March 11, 2025

ADHD and sex lifer

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.


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Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.

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Transcript
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.

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I'm randy.

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I'm And I'm Jess.

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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.

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We're so excited for today's episode because we're talking about something that doesn't get discussed nearly enough.

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How ADHD can affect your sex life and your orgasms.

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And that's right.

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We said

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orgasms.

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ADHD is often talked about in terms of focus and organization and productivity, but it also plays a huge role in intimacy and relationships.

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And yes, even how you experience pleasure with others and even

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yourself.

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That elusive big O.

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So we're going to break down how ADHD influences sexual desire, arousal, and orgasms, why this happens, and what you can do to embrace and support your body in the bedroom when you have ADHD.

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Find us and more at womensmentalhealthpodcast.

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com.

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Have you ever had these thoughts?

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How does my ADHD impact my sexual intimacy and my relationships?

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Can ADHD medication affect libido and my sexual desire?

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What are some ways that I can navigate my ADHD related distractions during these intimate moments?

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And that's huge, right there.

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That's what she said.

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Okay.

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Sorry, I couldn't help that one.

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How can partners support each other when ADHD affects their sex life?

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And does my ADHD impact the ability to have or reach orgasms?

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What role does self esteem play in managing ADHD's effect on sexual wellness?

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Are there any specific ADHD friendly sexual techniques or practices that can enhance intimacy in the bedroom?

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Oh, I can't wait to answer these questions.

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How

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does

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ADHD affect emotional intimacy within a relationship?

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Are there benefits of seeking therapy for couples or yourself when you feel like your ADHD is affecting your relationship, especially sexually?

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An interesting question would be, do you even realize if your ADHD is affecting your sexual intimacy or ability to have either an internal or external orgasm?

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Yeah,

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and I didn't think about that until we started talking.

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about how your focus can be divided or pulled away or you're out of tune with your ADHD and stuff like that.

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We'll get into that.

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Lastly, how can individuals with ADHD and their partners break the stigma surrounding sexual wellness and neurodiversity?

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Such great questions that we're gonna dive into.

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Let's define how ADHD can affect Your sex life and your orgasms.

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So let's start with the basic understanding of what ADHD is in this context.

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ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, it affects the brain's ability to regulate attention, impulse control, and dopamine production.

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Right, and dopamine is a huge player in your motivation, your pleasure, this includes your sexual satisfaction and the ability to reach orgasm.

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So many women have a hard time actually climaxing or having an orgasm, or they don't even know if they've even had an orgasm, which always blows my mind.

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Because you're like, how does that even happen?

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ADHD, it impacts a woman's sex life in so many different ways.

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Some people with ADHD have a hyper focus, which makes sex feel deeply immersive and intense, while others struggle with distraction, making it difficult to stay present and fully Experience the pleasure and the moment that you're in,

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right?

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Especially if you have racing thoughts or intrusive thoughts or you're on you have a to do list Yeah, and you're like and you're like wait, like what's happening?

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And there's also Sensory sensitivity.

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So some people with ADHD are hypersensitive to touch sound certain sensations or textures and And sometimes this can make sexual encounters either amazing or very overwhelming and you can get overstimulated.

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I'm gonna giggle through this entire thing and I'm so trying to not giggle through all of this.

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I know, this is all serious.

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Why is this even related issue then, Randi?

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We can say that ADHD affects orgasms specifically because it comes down to our brain chemistry because ADHD is linked to neurology and so when you have ADHD, you usually have lower levels of dopamine in your system and dopamine is a key neurotransmitter that is involved in your pleasure An orgasm center in your brain.

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So if your brain isn't getting the right dopamine signals, or the right neurotransmission, you might struggle with arousal.

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You might struggle with maintaining focus during sex, or any type of intimacy, or even reaching that climax, because if your dopamine levels are so low, you're not going to be getting the same type of, feedback from your body to reach that orgasm.

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And let's be real, just as much as sex is physical, it is also mental, especially for a lot of women.

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Oh, yeah.

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It's like its own entity.

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If you're constantly distracted, overthinking, or zoning out during an intimate moment, or foreplay, or sex, it's even harder to stay in the moment there and enjoy what is physically being done, and to mentally say, oh, I can feel this, and I can process this.

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And I

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feel like as women, too, We are constantly a lot of the times like overwhelmed with our tasks in our life and we're burnt out and so it's hard to be present in the moment regardless if you have ADHD or not, we can just be like so overwhelmed like mentally that it's hard for us to be present physically.

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Also, a lot of women are over touched by our little

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ones.

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Especially when you have little ones, you're like, I'm touched out, don't touch me, how is that even sexual?

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Yeah,

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so to give it to somebody, a partner, that maybe their love language is, physical touch, and you're like, I can't even bear this right now.

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That's hard to manage.

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It is.

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It is so hard.

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The other part of ADHD is that it's also linked to emotional regulation challenges.

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It's stress, shame, self doubt.

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All of that creeps into the experience, so it can be really difficult to feel safe enough to fully let

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Yeah, because a lot of us with ADHD live in our head, and we have those constant, racing, intrusive thoughts when you're thinking about, oh gosh, I need to get this, I'm stressed about this, or I don't like my belly pooch, or my thigh is jiggling, or whatever, and you're just, all that noise is just pounding away in your head.

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Like, how are you supposed to even focus on the moment?

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At hand that you're trying to create this intimacy with another person,

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Even if you really trust that person, right?

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Person, it's still hard.

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It's

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still hard.

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So let's talk about how the two are really connected with our mental health

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well, first of all sex can be a struggle in itself and With this, if you are feeling like you're having a hard time with orgasms or wanting to be intimate, that can lead to more feelings of frustration, feelings of guilt, feelings of insecurity.

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That connects with our ADHD, because a lot of times, especially as women, we've been told that we're too much, too sensitive, or not enough, or lazy, just different areas of your life where you feel guilty, or like you're on the struggle bus with, and so all of that can compound and Make it hard to orgasm and reach that intimate moment with somebody else because we're constantly thinking maybe something is wrong with us.

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And that's that rejection sensitivity dysphoria that we often feel with ADHD is that we're doing it wrong, we're not enough.

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Are we doing enough?

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Why don't I feel this?

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When's it going to happen?

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That's another one like, okay, is it going to happen now?

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Is it going to happen now?

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Oh, wait, wait, wait.

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Oh, now I've missed the moment.

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It's all of these different things that kind of struggle with.

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And so this impacts us in our own self esteem, our relationship, especially if we have mental health conditions that kind of, go hand in hand with ADHD,

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anxiety, depression.

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Even, eating disorders, come into play.

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on the flip side, a lot of women with ADHD can be And this means you crave intense sexual experiences, but can struggle with the emotional side of intimacy or controlling your impulses with sex.

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I know this was really hard for me when I was undiagnosed ADHD and in college.

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I look back now and realize I had no impulse control and was, like, exhibiting like risky behavior, but you're

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chasing the dopamine, you're chasing the fun.

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Yeah, and

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that's also randy why a lot of people like a lot of women will say they like one night stands because they can Be intense and they can be themselves.

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There is no intimacy in that.

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You are just having sex It is just a about the orgasm, about the sex, the moment, and it's different than with your, person.

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And I've often

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said that I'm more like a guy, I can just be like, thanks, high five, that was awesome.

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And turn around and go to sleep.

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And my 20s guys were like, what's wrong?

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What's wrong?

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Why don't you want to snuggle me?

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And I was like, I don't need that, but now I see what that was, is Transcribed Rejecting the intimacy and not being able, to understand it.

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Well, and think about, with ADHD, me, if you want to torture me, there's no waterboarding.

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Just make me do the same thing over and over and over again.

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And, and don't change anything, right?

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If you were to be like, we have to go missionary every single time and that's all we're ever going to do.

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I might be like, no, yeah, why, Or if I don't have an orgasm, why would I bother?

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And a lot of women don't realize that internal orgasms and external orgasms are different, right?

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And so a lot of women can't have an internal orgasm.

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Yeah.

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And they don't understand because they can't focus.

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They can't have an internal orgasm.

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Like you said, everything has to come together, the physical side, the mental side, the intimacy side, feeling like your cup is filled, all these things for us as women, and usually all the puzzle pieces don't fit together, so it's hard to reach that, and that is normal too.

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I think a lot of women have seen, maybe movies or porn and they think it should be a certain way, and that's just not the reality of it.

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Porn's not real.

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No, porn's not real.

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Movies aren't real.

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They're not

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laughing when you accidentally fall off the couch.

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Or the kid knocks on the door and you're like, Yeah, what's up?

00:11:11.019 --> 00:11:11.159
In a minute.

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There is, there's nothing real about what happens in porn.

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Most women do not orgasm.

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Most women struggle with orgasming.

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Let alone women that have mental health conditions.

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exactly.

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And if you're taking medications, I know we'll get into this in a bit, a lot of times, there are certain medications that will either prolong your orgasm, so you have, takes longer to get there, or it's like you can almost climax, like you can get to that hill, but you just can't quite get over that dang hill.

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Prozac is one of those.

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And it can be so frustrating because you're like, I'm there, I'm there, I'm there.

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Nope, I'm numb.

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I'm numb.

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That's it.

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Just fucking stop.

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I'm done.

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And

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Even, sans the medication side.

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Society wise and maybe like religion wise a lot of us too have been taught to carry shame or guilt around sex.

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So we don't explore ourselves, or we don't explore things with our partner, or we are too insecure to do those things, or we have all these confusing feelings about it.

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So we've never really taken the time to get to know ourselves intimately too.

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One of my funnest assignments in grad school, it was one of my sexuality classes, there was two things we had to do.

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We had to go do two things that we have never done before.

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And she said, don't go have risky sex.

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That's not what I'm saying.

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You're like, oh dang.

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This is a learning experience.

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And so I went with a classmate, and we went to a sex shop.

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Okay.

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I've been to one before.

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Not a big deal for me.

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Yeah.

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But I have never asked the person what to do with all this stuff, because there's stuff in there that I was like, I don't know what you love to show

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you.

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They love to get, oh, let me show you this.

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Let me show, I was like, okay.

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Showed me, and, and he had so much fun with it.

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Fun.

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And I had to say, this is an assignment.

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I've never done this before.

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I want to know what do you do with this?

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How does this work?

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How do you clean this?

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What does this do?

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The entire shop.

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it was such a great experience that I was like, that is awesome.

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And now I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever.

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I can ask if I have questions.

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I'm like, okay, how do you do this?

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What does this do?

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What does this require?

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Not a big deal.

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The other thing I had to, I didn't have to, that I did was I slow danced with a woman.

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Oh, that's cool.

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And that was more awkward than the sex act.

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Yeah, yeah, I

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would say that, yeah.

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But

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it was like, it was a friend of mine, we were at a gay club, and she was like, let's dance.

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I was like, what?

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She goes, have you ever slow danced with a woman?

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I was like, no.

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Let's do it.

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She said, I'm leading.

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That's awesome.

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I was like, okay.

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I had never done it.

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It's stepping outside of your comfort zone and learning what you like or don't like, but sidetracked, I don't know why I started that story, but that was just something interesting and learning is that most, oh, that's it, most women are ashamed to ask how to use things or what they're used for.

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Yeah, or to step outside of the box that they feel like they've been put in.

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Exactly.

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So how do we embrace and normalize and support ourselves working through.

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Sexual issues or orgasm issues or intimacy issues when we have ADHD.

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The first thing is always going to be reframe our expectations.

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We have got to stop comparing ourselves and our experiences, our sexual experiences to those who are neurotypical and neurotypical are the ones who do not have ADHD or autism or any other kind of mental health condition.

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My brain works differently and that is

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so okay.

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And you can find pleasure in that.

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So like instead of focusing on reaching the finish line, achieving that orgasm as your goal, maybe focus on the pleasure of it, just the feeling of it or the connection with that person.

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Take that pressure out of the equation and remember that sex isn't a performance, it's an experience.

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I still want the orgasm, though.

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Just, come on.

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I like the experience, but I still want it.

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We all want that, right?

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But if that's something that you feel is so unattainable for you, then take it off the table and just be in the moment for what you can experience.

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And then maybe it might come.

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I just read a book that was about a Girl she had not had an orgasm for 10 years.

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she meets this guy and he's okay they had already fallen for each other, but he's it's my mission to make you hope you have an orgasm.

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But when it came down to it, she was emotionally blocked.

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There was like all these things that were blocking her.

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And once she was able to work through it, And let go of that stuff.

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It happened, when it wasn't like her main focus I can't have an orgasm.

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I can't have an orgasm.

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I can't have an orgasm.

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So anyways, different perspective.

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Another tool to use is to use mindfulness and sensory techniques.

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So what does that look like, Jess?

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If distraction is an issue cause that's what we need mindfulness for, if you're distracted you can do a couple of things.

00:15:49.424 --> 00:15:53.144
You can try using some grounding techniques during your intimate moments.

00:15:53.485 --> 00:16:01.794
Focus on your breathing, engaging in all five senses using textured fabrics or scented candles to enhance your experience.

00:16:02.235 --> 00:16:07.075
The other is, if you're worried about the kids being in the other room, plan it when the kids aren't in the other room.

00:16:07.085 --> 00:16:07.184
Limit

00:16:07.205 --> 00:16:08.014
distractions.

00:16:08.014 --> 00:16:08.955
If you need to put it on the

00:16:08.975 --> 00:16:15.975
calendar, put it on the calendar, the other thing, too, is that a lot of people assume they're going to have sex at night after the kids go to bed.

00:16:15.985 --> 00:16:21.085
Well, for us ADHD people, a lot of times our brain is toast, that's not what we're doing.

00:16:21.085 --> 00:16:21.315
Yeah, you need to

00:16:21.315 --> 00:16:22.565
do it when the moment hits.

00:16:23.054 --> 00:16:23.754
If you can.

00:16:23.825 --> 00:16:27.664
And they've actually done studies that show most women prefer sex in the afternoon.

00:16:27.674 --> 00:16:28.174
Yeah.

00:16:28.245 --> 00:16:31.101
Even though men are like morning or night, a lot of women Yeah,

00:16:31.101 --> 00:16:33.129
that was I would Say, I agree with that too.

00:16:33.139 --> 00:16:41.970
Like usually whenever like my hormones would hit or whatever it would be like mid afternoon, I'm like, Hey, can you take, I just need a half hour.

00:16:42.350 --> 00:16:42.440
What are

00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:42.789
you doing?

00:16:43.149 --> 00:16:54.309
The other though is a lot of women have told me and personally I've seen that when I take my ADHD medications and I can be present with what's going on, that is the best time.

00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:57.379
And that is not at night because my meds have worn off.

00:16:57.389 --> 00:16:57.850
Right.

00:16:57.899 --> 00:17:02.725
And so it's amazing when you're like, Oh wait, I can actually focus on what's going on here.

00:17:03.436 --> 00:17:08.395
I, that is part of being ADHD, that you just don't even realize that you can't focus on that.

00:17:08.546 --> 00:17:16.846
So it's an interesting part, but, we can go through and say dim the lighting and set the music, ask for specific types of touch, which is huge.

00:17:16.955 --> 00:17:19.476
That is the huge part, is communicate.

00:17:19.476 --> 00:17:20.705
Yeah, tell your partner.

00:17:20.827 --> 00:17:33.807
Where you like being touched where you don't like being touched like if it don't be afraid to ask For what you want and tell them like hey a little to the left a little to the right a little up here No, not there.

00:17:34.087 --> 00:17:35.688
More pressure less pressure.

00:17:35.851 --> 00:17:38.730
Work on owning what you like.

00:17:38.760 --> 00:17:41.621
I've never, I, Or show them Yeah, show them.

00:17:41.631 --> 00:17:43.840
Like here, let me take that hand for you.

00:17:44.010 --> 00:17:45.471
Let me show you where it goes.

00:17:45.750 --> 00:17:48.010
I've always been like, I want that.

00:17:48.211 --> 00:17:48.851
Same thing.

00:17:48.861 --> 00:17:53.121
I want that orgasm, so if you can't get me there, I'm gonna show you.

00:17:54.770 --> 00:17:56.941
I will join you and we will show you

00:17:57.270 --> 00:18:10.421
because I want this to be something that we can do more often or that we want to enjoy because if you're not getting anything out of it, it creates issues that most women are like, oh, I have to blow him for this because he's got to get off.

00:18:10.441 --> 00:18:10.980
And then you make

00:18:10.980 --> 00:18:12.461
it more transactional.

00:18:12.471 --> 00:18:13.090
Yes.

00:18:13.111 --> 00:18:13.635
You're right.

00:18:13.635 --> 00:18:17.836
sex instead of, intimacy and a bonus part of your relationship.

00:18:18.026 --> 00:18:18.655
Yeah, exactly.

00:18:18.655 --> 00:18:20.155
And yeah, you're not getting enjoyment.

00:18:20.175 --> 00:18:21.526
It's another fucking chore.

00:18:21.527 --> 00:18:29.566
I'm glad you said transactional because it does, it so becomes transactional that you're like, I'm just doing this to get it out of the way because I have to.

00:18:29.566 --> 00:18:31.205
Who wants to feel that way?

00:18:31.306 --> 00:18:32.566
Your partner doesn't want to feel

00:18:32.566 --> 00:18:32.996
like that.

00:18:33.175 --> 00:18:33.986
They don't want to feel like a chore.

00:18:34.006 --> 00:18:36.566
You don't want to feel that way either that you have to do it.

00:18:36.945 --> 00:18:41.296
So another thing that leads into is addressing your dopamine deficiency issues.

00:18:41.635 --> 00:18:50.125
Because ADHD is so closely tied to dopamine regulation, when you boost your dopamine naturally, this can help.

00:18:50.135 --> 00:18:57.635
That includes, I know, blah, blah, blah, exercise, balanced diet, taking your ADHD meds, if those help you.

00:18:57.685 --> 00:19:01.826
These can all help in improving your dopamine and your sexual function.

00:19:02.260 --> 00:19:10.121
And I want you to talk openly and honestly with your therapist, with your doctor, because they're trained to talk about this.

00:19:10.141 --> 00:19:11.790
They probably will not giggle.

00:19:11.790 --> 00:19:13.580
I do not giggle in session, okay?

00:19:13.861 --> 00:19:20.351
I giggle with Randi and you guys, but I'm not gonna giggle in session, I'm not going to make jokes about it.

00:19:20.631 --> 00:19:27.941
It's a very common thing, and you want to talk about this because we want you healthy physically and mentally and emotionally.

00:19:27.951 --> 00:19:36.401
And ADHD is a neurological issue, so it is not just about being highly productive.

00:19:36.411 --> 00:19:39.320
This affects all areas of your life.

00:19:39.611 --> 00:19:39.830
Like

00:19:39.861 --> 00:19:41.060
highly productive in sex.

00:19:41.080 --> 00:19:47.181
You know how many partners, and I know we're saying men and women and we're really stereotyping.

00:19:47.391 --> 00:19:48.540
All genders.

00:19:48.611 --> 00:19:48.861
Yes.

00:19:49.226 --> 00:19:49.915
Fluid.

00:19:50.153 --> 00:19:50.492
All of it.

00:19:50.502 --> 00:19:51.313
All inclusive.

00:19:51.343 --> 00:19:52.113
Exactly.

00:19:52.303 --> 00:19:55.343
We hit earlier about communicating with your partner.

00:19:55.673 --> 00:19:59.932
If you have a partner, talk to them about what your experience is.

00:20:00.133 --> 00:20:02.853
Let them know if you need more foreplay.

00:20:02.863 --> 00:20:07.160
Let them know if you need a certain time of day or a certain change

00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:08.019
of pace.

00:20:08.210 --> 00:20:10.410
Yeah, or you want to try a new position.

00:20:10.730 --> 00:20:15.269
It shouldn't be taboo to ask for those basic needs to be met.

00:20:15.609 --> 00:20:31.140
And the more you converse about this stuff, the more you communicate about it, the more comfortable you get with it, and the more supported you will feel, and the better your sex life and your intimacy will become when you can communicate and be on the same page.

00:20:31.190 --> 00:20:32.430
And oftentimes,

00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:34.480
your partner wants to please you.

00:20:34.529 --> 00:20:38.680
They want you to be there and they want to make you happy.

00:20:38.984 --> 00:20:42.674
you may not realize that you can have multiple orgasms.

00:20:42.674 --> 00:20:46.404
And then you're like, wait, I can ask for four or five orgasms and you don't mind.

00:20:46.634 --> 00:20:48.454
That is amazing when you can do that.

00:20:48.454 --> 00:20:51.474
Cause you're like, I'm in, I am so in for those four orgasms.

00:20:51.617 --> 00:20:52.048
Yeah.

00:20:52.238 --> 00:20:52.708
So

00:20:52.778 --> 00:20:56.744
you also mentioned reducing the pressure to orgasm.

00:20:56.765 --> 00:21:02.309
So sometimes the pressure to perform makes Orgasm is even harder to achieve.

00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:07.289
So instead of stressing about the end goal, like I mentioned, focus on what feels good.

00:21:07.289 --> 00:21:08.349
Focus on the moment.

00:21:08.680 --> 00:21:11.029
Focus on, the person in front of you.

00:21:11.123 --> 00:21:17.486
Arousal orgasms aren't linear, especially for those of us with neurotypical brains.

00:21:17.596 --> 00:21:21.435
So give yourself permission to explore what works best for you.

00:21:21.615 --> 00:21:28.394
Yeah, and don't be shameful or don't feel shameful and don't shame yourself if things don't go as planned.

00:21:28.454 --> 00:21:29.134
It's just like anything.

00:21:29.134 --> 00:21:32.974
It's just like you gotta try it again and again and again until you get the hang of it.

00:21:33.015 --> 00:21:35.724
So think about it like a 4th of July picnic, right?

00:21:35.875 --> 00:21:36.654
Or like a muscle.

00:21:37.075 --> 00:21:43.005
Well, I was gonna say a 4th of July picnic that, you're going to see the firework show because that's the, the big bang there.

00:21:43.394 --> 00:21:44.390
And that's what you want to see.

00:21:44.390 --> 00:21:50.490
And sometimes you don't get as close up to the fireworks as you want, it's always enjoyable to see the show.

00:21:50.490 --> 00:21:51.380
Right, or you might

00:21:51.380 --> 00:21:56.259
just see the little sparks at the end, but you don't see the big bang, but yeah.

00:21:56.339 --> 00:22:00.119
But you get to hear it, keep trying to work your way towards the front of that picnic.

00:22:04.502 --> 00:22:11.403
So on the other hand, how do we support this conversation and support women and normalize this?

00:22:11.661 --> 00:22:14.881
Intimacy and ADHD and sexuality issues.

00:22:15.266 --> 00:22:17.145
I love talking about it.

00:22:17.236 --> 00:22:18.615
I love talking about sex.

00:22:18.645 --> 00:22:27.665
I love talking about orgasms and ADHD and making it very normal, even amongst friends, even, having, hanging out, having coffee.

00:22:27.665 --> 00:22:32.236
I, I, I can go anywhere with a conversation and it don't bother me at all.

00:22:32.786 --> 00:22:36.175
I had a friend once who was talking about it, being single, blah, blah, blah.

00:22:36.175 --> 00:22:38.455
And I was like, girl, you gotta go get a rabbit.

00:22:38.516 --> 00:22:39.605
She was like, what's a rabbit?

00:22:39.615 --> 00:22:41.026
I'm like, you haven't, you don't have a rabbit?

00:22:41.625 --> 00:22:42.895
You gotta go get a rabbit.

00:22:42.905 --> 00:22:44.056
And she was like, okay.

00:22:44.385 --> 00:22:47.096
Next thing you know, she was like, I love rabbits.

00:22:47.135 --> 00:22:48.115
Yeah, you're like, what?

00:22:48.246 --> 00:22:48.885
Oh, okay.

00:22:48.935 --> 00:22:49.435
I did.

00:22:49.435 --> 00:22:50.046
I was like, wait, what?

00:22:50.096 --> 00:22:52.465
Oh, oh, she goes, I love rabbits.

00:22:52.536 --> 00:22:54.836
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I never had a rabbit.

00:22:54.855 --> 00:22:56.905
No, I'm always like, let me tell you about my best friend.

00:22:56.925 --> 00:22:58.365
Okay, I'm like, here you go.

00:22:58.365 --> 00:23:01.076
And I know this is expensive, but 100 percent worth it.

00:23:02.445 --> 00:23:03.016
Exactly.

00:23:03.016 --> 00:23:06.506
I feel like it's, it is not normalized to talk that way.

00:23:06.506 --> 00:23:10.326
And I, like Jess, I'm just like, whatever, just blurt it all out there.

00:23:10.365 --> 00:23:14.746
And, but it helps other people feel comfortable when you do talk about that.

00:23:15.066 --> 00:23:23.135
And if you are really struggling with this, and you're struggling with intimacy, or you're struggling with orgasms, you are not broken.

00:23:23.185 --> 00:23:24.895
It's really important to understand this.

00:23:24.915 --> 00:23:27.056
This is very, very, very normal.

00:23:27.465 --> 00:23:31.756
Your brain just works differently, or your body might work differently.

00:23:32.050 --> 00:23:35.421
There's lots of things that don't always come together.

00:23:35.711 --> 00:23:45.520
And so you have to learn to understand your body and understand your mind and understand your emotions so you can work with it and work towards that goal.

00:23:45.520 --> 00:23:47.480
And you're not constantly fighting yourself.

00:23:47.776 --> 00:23:51.365
I'm glad you said that because, I have what's called a tilted uterus.

00:23:51.395 --> 00:23:51.806
Yes.

00:23:52.205 --> 00:23:55.125
And a lot of people have what's called a tilted uterus.

00:23:55.145 --> 00:23:58.096
And so it means you have to do things differently.

00:23:58.096 --> 00:23:58.695
Yeah, different

00:23:58.695 --> 00:24:01.175
positions might work or they might be painful.

00:24:01.306 --> 00:24:02.155
Yes.

00:24:02.156 --> 00:24:02.605
There's things like this too.

00:24:02.846 --> 00:24:07.576
People don't realize there's all sorts of different, our bodies are not the same.

00:24:07.586 --> 00:24:14.615
We have the same basic layout, but everybody's is shaped differently, curved differently, angled differently.

00:24:14.905 --> 00:24:20.016
And so it's okay that what works for someone doesn't work for somebody else.

00:24:20.036 --> 00:24:22.365
There are women who have what's called inverted nipples.

00:24:22.566 --> 00:24:24.625
I had no idea what that was.

00:24:24.645 --> 00:24:28.365
but when you start dealing with people who breastfeed it's actually really.

00:24:28.530 --> 00:24:29.121
Common.

00:24:29.161 --> 00:24:36.381
And I was like, okay, our bodies are different and we shouldn't be shameful because our bodies are made a little bit different than somebody else's.

00:24:36.631 --> 00:24:43.250
It's finding what works for your body because you're not broken, you're just made differently.

00:24:43.820 --> 00:24:45.938
The other thing, don't be afraid to ask for lube.

00:24:46.113 --> 00:24:49.063
There is nothing wrong with getting good lube, especially the

00:24:49.063 --> 00:24:58.450
older you get to like I was just talking to My hormone specialist doctor and she was asking me like, oh, have you noticed like a difference?

00:24:58.490 --> 00:25:10.539
And I was like, no not really and then she was like, well, it might be good to take like a vaginal estrogen as a preventative because just as you get older, you do tend to get drier.

00:25:10.539 --> 00:25:14.500
And she's like, think of what you produced, in your body in your 20s versus now.

00:25:14.500 --> 00:25:17.690
And I'm like, yeah, that's different, like your cervical mucus and stuff like that.

00:25:17.690 --> 00:25:21.970
And I was like, yeah, it's much different than and she's well, that's just like an indicator.

00:25:21.970 --> 00:25:24.309
And she's like, it can really help just to keep.

00:25:24.734 --> 00:25:26.555
your body kind of moisturize.

00:25:26.555 --> 00:25:31.530
She's like, we put moisturizer all over our face She's like, why not also your vagina?

00:25:31.530 --> 00:25:34.290
And I was like, Okay, when you put it that way, because it is skin.

00:25:34.701 --> 00:25:36.131
I'm like, I can

00:25:36.131 --> 00:25:37.520
totally Yeah, yeah.

00:25:37.520 --> 00:25:40.911
And so I was like, and I was like, Well, fine, I'll try it's a prescription.

00:25:40.911 --> 00:25:47.945
And then I was like, Oh, Yeah, okay, there is a difference, using this and she was like, you can also put it on your face and it tightens up everything.

00:25:47.955 --> 00:25:50.766
I was like, lather it on me, lather it on me.

00:25:50.915 --> 00:25:53.476
That's what she said.

00:25:53.476 --> 00:25:54.516
Stop.

00:25:57.236 --> 00:25:59.205
We cannot be taken anywhere.

00:25:59.705 --> 00:26:00.145
We can't.

00:26:00.175 --> 00:26:00.675
No, this is

00:26:00.675 --> 00:26:01.806
Why we do not do this in public.

00:26:01.806 --> 00:26:02.135
Okay,

00:26:02.135 --> 00:26:08.026
so let's go back and focus and answer our have you ever had these thoughts specifically.

00:26:08.336 --> 00:26:13.326
So Jess, how does ADHD impact sexual intimacy and relationships?

00:26:13.670 --> 00:26:23.420
ADHD will affect or can affect sexual intimacy by causing challenges in our focus, in our communication and impulsivity.

00:26:23.789 --> 00:26:35.720
If we can understand these dynamics and learn these different skills that work for us, we can really work with ourselves and our partners to have better intimacy and better sexual experiences.

00:26:36.440 --> 00:26:38.799
Randy, can ADHD medication

00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:41.109
affect libido and sexual desire?

00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:42.359
Yes, definitely.

00:26:42.359 --> 00:26:49.819
Some ADHD medications, well not just ADHD, like medications as a whole, can impact libido and sexual desire.

00:26:50.130 --> 00:27:03.519
So it's really crucial to communicate with your health care provider, your doctor, or psychologists to find a balance between managing those symptoms and maintaining your sexual wellness.

00:27:05.099 --> 00:27:11.049
Jess, what are some ways to navigate ADHD related distractions when you're in those intimate moments?

00:27:11.353 --> 00:27:14.272
I want you to practice mindfulness.

00:27:14.333 --> 00:27:18.843
I want you to get rid of these distractions that are there.

00:27:19.163 --> 00:27:25.323
Find an environment if you need a calm environment, if you need music, whatever that is.

00:27:25.508 --> 00:27:32.478
Set the boundaries that are going to help you get to that point where you have a more fulfilling experience.

00:27:32.488 --> 00:27:32.637
Yeah.

00:27:32.637 --> 00:27:33.907
Silence your phones.

00:27:33.928 --> 00:27:35.528
Put away your Apple watches.

00:27:35.528 --> 00:27:36.417
Whatever it is.

00:27:36.498 --> 00:27:40.258
Tell your kids to get the hell out of the house for three hours and don't ask

00:27:40.258 --> 00:27:40.758
why.

00:27:40.798 --> 00:27:47.478
Whatever that means, set yourself up for success to be with your partner or even yourself.

00:27:47.634 --> 00:27:53.095
Okay, so Randi, how can partners support each other when ADHD is affecting their sex life?

00:27:53.214 --> 00:28:03.765
So definitely by fostering open communication, talking, practicing empathy, working on patience, and seeking professional guidance together.

00:28:04.144 --> 00:28:18.265
If you do have unique challenges that are coming from ADHD or intimacy, and that are affecting your relationship and your sex life, it doesn't hurt to get guidance if you feel like you're at, the end and you don't know what else to do.

00:28:18.478 --> 00:28:23.867
And if you're not sure if it's your ADHD or not, that's the conversation you start to have with your partner.

00:28:24.228 --> 00:28:26.827
Is that maybe you are being distracted or

00:28:26.897 --> 00:28:27.968
Am I distracted?

00:28:27.968 --> 00:28:29.397
Yeah, what do you notice?

00:28:29.417 --> 00:28:31.718
Do you feel like I'm not, focused on you?

00:28:31.718 --> 00:28:32.248
Oh, that's a

00:28:32.248 --> 00:28:33.018
good question.

00:28:33.018 --> 00:28:37.038
Do you feel like I'm actually paying attention to what's going on during this?

00:28:37.077 --> 00:28:39.887
Am I, am I also meeting your needs in the bedroom?

00:28:39.887 --> 00:28:45.238
Like maybe your needs aren't being met too, but are you meeting your partner's needs and stuff like that?

00:28:45.238 --> 00:28:46.857
Like touch on those things.

00:28:47.011 --> 00:28:51.592
Jess, does ADHD impact the ability to reach orgasms?

00:28:52.102 --> 00:29:01.968
Yes, A DHD can influence the ability for us to reach those orgasms due to things like our impulsivity or our inattention.

00:29:02.357 --> 00:29:03.407
Impulsivity.

00:29:03.678 --> 00:29:06.377
When I say that, it means we might be in a rush to get there.

00:29:06.438 --> 00:29:06.798
Yeah.

00:29:06.798 --> 00:29:08.087
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

00:29:08.087 --> 00:29:10.067
And you're missing the fact that you need a buildup.

00:29:10.127 --> 00:29:10.307
Yeah.

00:29:10.307 --> 00:29:11.657
Or you're I'm that way.

00:29:11.657 --> 00:29:12.018
Yeah.

00:29:12.022 --> 00:29:12.143
Yeah.

00:29:12.147 --> 00:29:14.057
I'm like, okay, I'm good with a quickie.

00:29:14.107 --> 00:29:14.678
And then like just.

00:29:14.772 --> 00:29:18.843
Skip to skip to the good part, but yeah, but you are missing all the things

00:29:18.853 --> 00:29:22.383
you're missing all of the foreplay if you're like, I just want the fireworks.

00:29:22.383 --> 00:29:23.532
Thank you very much.

00:29:23.583 --> 00:29:32.682
You're missing everything else or you're missing the banter or the jokes or the the playfulness in the bedroom because a lot of us are a little bit more playful with our partner that way.

00:29:33.032 --> 00:29:39.063
And If you can explore different techniques that will help you if you need to talk to a sex therapist.

00:29:39.333 --> 00:29:45.323
There are therapists that are, there are sex therapists that will help you work with this.

00:29:45.343 --> 00:29:49.752
And they don't make jokes at all because they're so much more professional than we are right now.

00:29:50.133 --> 00:29:56.333
And then I want you really to look and see, what your challenges are and, and start to address those.

00:29:56.343 --> 00:29:56.803
Yeah.

00:29:57.083 --> 00:29:57.373
Okay.

00:29:58.432 --> 00:29:58.942
Randy.

00:29:59.238 --> 00:30:05.087
What role does self esteem play in managing ADHD's effect on your overall sexual wellness?

00:30:05.167 --> 00:30:13.518
Well, self esteem is so crucial in managing not only your sex life and your sexual wellness, but your mental health and your ADHD.

00:30:13.948 --> 00:30:23.613
When you work on self compassion for yourself and practice self care and you get the right type of support.

00:30:24.032 --> 00:30:31.843
All those things together can really help boost your self esteem and the way you look at things, the way, your view on life.

00:30:31.883 --> 00:30:45.377
And it's It's easier to move towards healing or working on a healthier relationship with yourself and with your sexuality when you feel like you are centered and you know who you are.

00:30:45.515 --> 00:30:54.454
So Jess, are there specific ADHD friendly sexual techniques or practices that maybe could help somebody enhance their intimacy?

00:30:54.894 --> 00:31:01.285
I wish I had the ADHD handbook for best practices for having, reaching your orgasm.

00:31:01.295 --> 00:31:02.265
We need to make that.

00:31:02.365 --> 00:31:04.664
The, the karma, karma, what is it, karma sutra?

00:31:04.664 --> 00:31:05.984
Karma sutra for ADHD.

00:31:05.984 --> 00:31:07.115
Yeah, for ADHD, right?

00:31:07.174 --> 00:31:08.265
I wish we had that.

00:31:08.494 --> 00:31:14.015
But really, you have to tailor the intimacy to yourself and your partner.

00:31:14.424 --> 00:31:27.664
It is about exploring what your sensory experiences are, what you need, what you like, what you don't and really incorporating those structured routines can really support the environment for the individual.

00:31:27.684 --> 00:31:31.622
And again, you said it earlier, Randy, that maybe you do need to schedule it.

00:31:31.632 --> 00:31:34.051
Maybe you need to know Wednesdays at.

00:31:34.122 --> 00:31:40.862
for when the kids are out or if you don't have kids, but that is the time that you're like, this is what I'd like to do.

00:31:40.862 --> 00:31:44.672
So you can look forward to it or so you can, plan it.

00:31:45.731 --> 00:31:56.991
It is whatever's working for the, you or the two of you, or assuming you got somebody else or if there's three of you or four of you, whatever, we ain't judging, but it's whatever's going to work for you is what you need to do.

00:31:57.541 --> 00:32:01.561
Randi, how does ADHD affect emotional intimacy within a relationship?

00:32:01.785 --> 00:32:11.704
Well, it can impact your relationship because it impacts It's your communication overall, especially if you're distractive or you're impulsive.

00:32:12.125 --> 00:32:15.055
And so that makes it really hard.

00:32:15.065 --> 00:32:34.365
So it's important to work on fostering understanding and patience and empathy with your partner so that when you are feeling, like you're having a hard time communicating or you're having a hard time getting across your needs or you're having a hard time focusing, they can help you with those challenges.

00:32:34.865 --> 00:32:44.924
Jess, what are the benefits of seeking therapy, maybe for couples or even yourself, when ADHD is affecting your sexual relationships?

00:32:45.704 --> 00:32:52.289
Therapy should be a safe place for you, a safe place for you, a safe place for your partner.

00:32:52.599 --> 00:32:56.430
It's a place where you can address the communication patterns.

00:32:56.450 --> 00:33:02.799
You can look at the challenge the two of you are having either inside or outside of the bedroom.

00:33:03.204 --> 00:33:10.174
It's about learning strategies that is going to enhance your relationship and your sexual relationship.

00:33:10.515 --> 00:33:19.654
And this is something that you should be able to talk to a therapist about because sometimes that therapist can tailor or call out what they're seeing.

00:33:20.335 --> 00:33:22.414
And help the two of you better.

00:33:23.105 --> 00:33:23.525
And I know

00:33:23.525 --> 00:33:25.105
it's hard when you're like a sexual therapist.

00:33:25.454 --> 00:33:27.115
People are like, do you have sex in front of them?

00:33:27.125 --> 00:33:29.144
No, you're not having sex in front of them.

00:33:29.144 --> 00:33:31.105
But they're going to talk about your sex life.

00:33:31.105 --> 00:33:36.440
They're going to talk about your past experiences and how those past experiences everything

00:33:36.440 --> 00:33:42.970
is rooted, and either maybe some trauma we've had or triggers or past feelings of shame or guilt.

00:33:43.380 --> 00:33:43.940
So

00:33:44.109 --> 00:33:45.410
that's what they're going to explore.

00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:45.849
Yeah.

00:33:46.299 --> 00:33:53.730
Randy, how can individuals with ADHD and their partners break the stigma surrounding sexual wellness and neurodiversity?

00:33:54.255 --> 00:34:35.610
Advocate for open communication, promote getting education about this, or experience those things, and becoming more aware of, sexual wellness, and really too, emphasizing that it's important to be accepting of people that are all different walks of life with their sexuality and that regardless if you're ADHD or you're, fighting depression or you're just overwhelmed, you really need to come together and communicate with your partner and talk with your friends and family about it so that you can create a more supportive and understanding community around this as a whole.

00:34:36.144 --> 00:34:36.545
Mm hmm.

00:34:36.804 --> 00:34:38.005
And I'm just laughing at myself.

00:34:38.005 --> 00:34:40.965
I'm like, just know your audience, your kids don't want to hear about this.

00:34:41.815 --> 00:34:49.824
Nobody wants to hear about your, parents or kids, but know your audience and know what you can share and what you feel comfortable sharing is the other thing.

00:34:50.409 --> 00:34:55.420
ADHD affects so many aspects of our life, and our sex lives are no exception.

00:34:55.679 --> 00:35:03.309
But with the right tools, understanding, and communication, you can have fulfilling and pleasurable experiences.

00:35:03.639 --> 00:35:08.659
Absolutely! Your sex life isn't just about ADHD.

00:35:08.989 --> 00:35:20.010
It's about discovering what makes you feel good and embracing the techniques that you need as well as what makes your partner feel good and the techniques that make them feel good.

00:35:20.344 --> 00:35:22.684
Work with those tools Randy was just talking about.

00:35:22.961 --> 00:35:26.021
Thank you for joining us today on the Women's Mental Health Podcast.

00:35:26.061 --> 00:35:33.621
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend, partner, anyone who might benefit from the conversation.

00:35:33.871 --> 00:35:37.981
And don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and connect with us on social media.

00:35:38.192 --> 00:35:42.561
Until next time, take care of yourselves and embrace your pleasure, ADHD and all.