Embracing Gratitude: Your Power Tool Over Comparison

Ep 16 Gratitude Full

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends, it's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the bullshit and let's get 

[00:00:08] Jess: into women's mental health.

[00:00:13] Randi: Welcome to the podcast Unapologetically All Over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. It's a 

[00:00:21] Jess: thin line between gratitude and comparison. 

[00:00:24] Randi: In this episode, we're gonna talk about what it means to be grateful as we move forward into November where we're constantly told we should be grateful and focus on being grateful.

[00:00:35] Jess: We're gonna explore why gratitude can be hard, why it feels forced, and what you can do to be grateful and not compare yourself to others. So 

[00:00:45] Randi: have you ever had the thoughts or feelings like, 

[00:00:48] Jess: You are so lucky. 

[00:00:50] Randi: Wow, things seem to work out so easy 

[00:00:53] Jess: for you. Well, somebody else has it worse. At least that's not.

At least you have your job. 

[00:01:00] Randi: This is toxic, positivity and high alert. 

[00:01:03] Jess: Right? Just like toxic. We did that episode a couple of months ago. 

[00:01:06] Randi: Mm-hmm. , right? Toxic. Yeah. We have a episode that you can listen to called Toxic Positivity. 

[00:01:11] Jess: Why are we focusing on gratitude then for this episode? 

[00:01:14] Randi: Well because in November, like we said, it's all about like the holidays and families and it's a national gratitude month and it's pushes us and encourages us to embrace the power of gratitude.

But with that can also come with a lot of negativity with the 

[00:01:31] Jess: positivity. Right. So when we focus on gratitude, a lot of us will say, Let's, they connect to being thankful. Mm-hmm. , right? Because Thanksgiving, and we should all be thankful and go around the table and say what we're thankful for, right? Right.

But the difference is that thankfulness is a reaction. Whereas gratitude is a chosen state of being. 

[00:01:51] Randi: So again, thankfulness is the reaction. Mm-hmm. gratitude is the state. So like that's the difference between them. You 

[00:01:59] Jess: hand me a present mm-hmm. , and I'm like, Oh wow. Thank you. Right. It's a reaction. Yeah. But whereas gratitude is being able to say that action, I am appreciative of this.

Yeah. I'm grateful for this. Right. It, it is an action 

[00:02:11] Randi: of it. Right, Right. Or show showing how you are thankful for that gift. I mean, cuz you're not always gonna be grateful for everything you get. No. It might be something that you hate , 

[00:02:23] Jess: so you wouldn't be there. You're like, Oh wow. Yeah. Thank you. Yo, I guess we should say, what are the benefits of the gratitude practice?

Why do we wanna be great, grateful for things? 

[00:02:37] Randi: So there are a lot of studies that show that being grateful and focusing on gratitude can help improve your sleep quality, uh, improve, um, how you regulate your emotions, increase feelings of happiness. Overall mood. Ooh. Is it 

[00:02:54] Jess: that serotonin stuff? Yeah. . Right?

It's increasing your serotonin. Yeah. 

[00:03:00] Randi: Hashtag. I don't have enough hair serotonin for this shit. . Right. Just like our sweatshirts we have, It helps you feel like hopeful for the future. Mm. Okay. And it can reduce like your burnout rate, things with like ptsd, posttraumatic stress disorder, and overall stress.

[00:03:19] Jess: So really what I'm hearing, it's a form of appreciation, right? Whether being thankful for a specific situation or a wider like life perspective. It's 

[00:03:29] Randi: the belief that you can connect to your feelings of appreciation and gratitude and that with that, you may feel happier and more satisfied that you're like connecting those things together.

Okay, so, 

[00:03:43] Jess: but what I'm also hearing is that we're gonna be comparing, a lot of times we compare our own situations to others, whereas we know with social media that that's really harmful. 

[00:03:53] Randi: Yes. And so that's where kind of, this is like a gray area and a slippery slope that you can slide down into with feeling grateful.

But then you're like, Wait, like so and so is doing this or got this. Like, I am thankful for this, but maybe I would be like, Thankful or have more gratitude if, you know, I had this and like we tend to think that way. I would say especially like as women, like we can tend to kind of like spin our thoughts or 

[00:04:23] Jess: compare ourselves to people that we think are doing better than us.

Right? When really, as we know as social media, that's all they show. So we don't know their 

[00:04:31] Randi: situation exactly. It could be like they're in a dark, deep depressive hole, but they're posting a really shiny picture. And then we're comparing that. But like we don't really know the reality. 

[00:04:41] Jess: It's very harmful because it doesn't justify where we are.

Mm-hmm. . And that's the other thing about being false gratefulness or gratitude, is that sometimes it's a sucky day and that's all it is. 

[00:04:53] Randi: Right? And it's like, so. Feel like there's nothing to be grateful for, like you might not, you might wanna burn your gratitude journal like that day. And that's okay to feel that way.

And that's what we reference too in our toxic positivity episode, is that you don't have to be happy and shiny and grateful 24 7. Just because you're off one day is not the end of the world. Absolutely. 

[00:05:16] Jess: Let's go back to, There's a theory called social comparison theory, right? Mm-hmm. started back in the fifties by this guy, Leon Festinger, and this theory says that people constantly evaluate themselves and others in areas like whether they're attractive, if they have enough money, if they're smart or successful.

[00:05:36] Randi: They're showing that at least 10% of our thoughts throughout the day are in some way, shape, or form. Comparing something whether, like you said, that's like beauty, finances, our education, You know what we deem successful. We are cycling those thoughts throughout our day, at least 10%. 

[00:05:57] Jess: That's a lot of time to be comparing ourselves.

I would say that when you 

[00:06:00] Randi: think about that, 

[00:06:01] Jess: yeah, 10% of the day that we are awake, if we're comparing ourselves, I could be doing other stuff. . Yeah. So why are you doing that? , Right? It's toxic. Well, it's, it's probably learned. We figure out how we stack up against others, and that is how we figure out whether or not we've made it right?

Mm-hmm. , or at least that's what we've been 

[00:06:21] Randi: told. And so research is showing people who regularly compare themselves to. They can find some motivation to improve, but like that can also pair with like this, almost like obsession to like improve things and then you can start feeling like dissatisfaction with where you're at with that guilt remorse or like start like with the obsessiveness.

And like worry about it. An eating disorder could like pop up. Yeah. Or like you start lying to yourself or other people like, Yeah, things are great. This is going and you're like, world is falling apart. Cuz you wanna feel like you're at a certain level, you're doing more harm than good at times. It's hard 

[00:07:06] Jess: to say that you're having a bad day.

It's hard to say that. Feel. See here I go, You don't feel as good as the person next to you. Mm-hmm. . How do you know how they feel? Cuz you're comparing what they look like. You're comparing what you look like. So basically this dude back in the fifties already knew social media was gonna 

[00:07:22] Randi: screw us up and Well, I mean, it's always been that way.

Any type of media, I mean, thinking back the early twenties and stuff when they started using like propaganda and things like that. Mm-hmm. like you're a housewife or you're this, or like you should buy. All comes back to advertising. 

[00:07:37] Jess: Advertising. The evil. 

[00:07:39] Randi: The evil. I mean, let's call it what it is. It is all propaganda.

Started with the war. They moved it into like home shopping goods and we're here today . 

[00:07:48] Jess: Right. Next thing you know, we have to have that ice maker. Yes. But we 

[00:07:52] Randi: do Nugget, but we do Ice Maker is life changing. Just side note , it'll be here in a couple days. 

[00:07:57] Jess: Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. Done. Okay. So Theodore Roosevelt called Comparison, the thief of Joy 

[00:08:04] Randi: and I.

all the time because it is very true. And when we were kind of discussing this episode and researching it thought back to like, even in one of the 10 commandments. I mean, it's been of course, you know, twisted and that differently, but it's like, no shocker. But um, you know, it's like thou shall not covet they neighbor, you know, things like that.

You're not supposed to like watch that. Was 

[00:08:28] Jess: that neighbor's? 

[00:08:29] Randi: Yeah, but I mean, Oh, okay. Okay. Wife nugget, ice maker, whatever it is. Like you're coveting. You know, I'm just 

[00:08:35] Jess: good ice maker now. I mean, come on. There's the reason it's 

[00:08:38] Randi: number one, it has changed my life. It brings me a lot of gratitude,

[00:08:44] Jess: Oh. 

[00:08:45] Randi: But yeah, so I'm just saying, you know, like, I mean, throughout history they have said like, when you compare. yourself. You're not gonna feel a hundred percent. That is 

[00:08:55] Jess: one of the things I see in my practice all the time, is that women are always comparing themselves to other women. Mm-hmm. , we talk about like, we don't really dress for men.

Let's be real. We dress up for other women. 

[00:09:08] Randi: Yeah. We want our friends to be like, You look cute. Like you dress up to you today. I was like, Damn, you look good girl. . 

[00:09:15] Jess: Thank you by the way, you. But we don't, we don't dress up for other, other, like the opposite sex or, you know, whoever we're attracted to. It's not necessarily the opposite sex.

Yeah. But we dress up for other women. We dress up for our friends. We dress up not just for us. Sometimes it's because we don't wanna be 

[00:09:33] Randi: judged. Yeah, that's true. And, and my other company where I do social media and stuff, I am very transparent about showing like when I'm wearing like a cute outfit and stuff, that I'm also a hot mess the other 50% of the time, you know, and wearing, you know, pajamas to work from home.

Because in social media it can feel like constantly comparing you have your shit together because you're wearing like a cute outfit and I'm. I try to be like very real and upfront with my followers that that's not true. , and I 

[00:10:05] Jess: was just showing this morning or yesterday that for me in my office, you see this nice picture.

It's nice and clean. Mm-hmm. , everything is organized behind me. Yeah. And then if you pan to the right where the screen doesn't show, all of my prime boxes have come in all of my, She has a lot of prime 

[00:10:23] Randi: boxes. , 

[00:10:24] Jess: All my art supplies are there. Yeah. And it's just kind of a hot mess right now. Yeah. And so I was showing somebody yesterday, I was like, All right, hang on, hang on.

And I panned, I, I moved to my monitor over. Yeah. And she. Oh, that makes me feel better. And I was like, Oh good. 

[00:10:40] Randi: Yeah, and I think that that's, that is so important when like learning to practice, like gratitude and things like that, that we. In that moment do not compare to other people. And more importantly understand they are probably struggling too.

Mm-hmm. , they probably have dishes in the sink too. They probably have washed that load of laundry five times too. ? What? No. Or it's already smelly and mildewey in there, you know, so just speaking from experience. Um, but yeah, and having more. Kindness to ourselves and other people too. Like not thinking like she has her shit together because she has those awesome boots on.

No, Um, actually she only slept two hours last night, , aka me, but she still has, 

[00:11:25] Jess: you know, really good boots on. Sometimes it's so difficult to show or be or say gratitude and there's reasons why. Right. And the main one I'm gonna go through is, We often overlook these red flags in relationships, right? Mm-hmm.

like we're, we're being so grateful for 

[00:11:42] Randi: whatever that we're, that we're in a relationship or like, we're not alone. Oh, oh, yes. Oh, I'm not alone. It could be worse. Like we talked about that too. It's like the emotional abuse. Like it could be worse. Well, it could be a lot better. These things like feeling grateful or like trying to kind of like downplay why you should be grateful.

Make a true practice of gratitude. 

[00:12:04] Jess: And it also goes through and like forces us to appreciate things that don't serve us anymore, right? Mm-hmm. , I was also telling this story about I've been carrying around these genes going, I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna get back in these genes. I'm gonna lose weight.

I'm gonna get back on these genes. Meanwhile, I've had a kid. Married, I've now lost 85 pounds, right? These jeans, one, they didn't fit my body anymore because my body had changed from said kid and two, all of a sudden I've lost weight to the point where they, they're too big . So I've wasted how many moving trucks moving these, the.

[00:12:39] Randi: The space, The emotional baggage. Literally. 

[00:12:42] Jess: Yeah. Of these genes that no longer 

[00:12:46] Randi: served me. They didn't serve a purpose for the last 15 years either. And they're not gonna serve a purpose in the future. And but thinking about that too, like how much emotional shit do we carry like 

[00:12:57] Jess: that with us in that pair of jeans?

Right? Right. And they're still in my closet. I'm like, Cause you physically have it too. Yes. And I'm going, it was the one day and I. I still have 'em in the closet. I've gotta get rid of 'em. So 

[00:13:09] Randi: listen, this, this attaches to that. Instead of finding the perfect pair of jeans during that moment that fit your body and made you feel like a badass, that you felt hot, sexy, confident, or whatever in Yeah.

You were thinking about one day I'm gonna fit into those jeans. Do you see how that counteracted that? Mm-hmm. . So that's why gratitude can be so freaking hard. 

[00:13:32] Jess: Cause I was like, I can't wait and I'll be so grateful when I can fit into these jeans again. Well, guess what? Now they're too big and they're not even comfy.

I don't even know 

[00:13:40] Randi: what, And they're probably like, not even like the style like you would wear anymore, right? Like and you're like, Why do I still 

[00:13:45] Jess: have ? Well, the reality is the kids are all wearing the style again. Oh, 

[00:13:49] Randi: well. So that's true. Stuff does cycle back. But don't hold onto that. Let it 

[00:13:53] Jess: go , right? Oh, they're gonna go.

Another thing is that can gloss over things that need our attention. Mm-hmm. , right? Cause we're being so grateful for, you know, trying to, to be so grateful. Mm. That we're not paying attention to the things that are like, Hey, hey, I need you. Hey, I, I 

[00:14:11] Randi: need this. Yeah. We're not actually. Focusing on the moment that deserve true gratification and gratefulness.

We're not pausing to, um, respect those things that are actually like bringing us joy and 

[00:14:25] Jess: peace. Mm. Being in the moment. Mm-hmm. , I was just talking about that this morning on Instagram. That's so funny. Yeah. So it goes back to that toxic positivity or what we call false gratitude, right? 

[00:14:36] Randi: Yeah. So, Creates, you know, insecurity because it's not 

[00:14:40] Jess: authentic.

Nope. Not authentic. Oh, I have, Oh, such Mm 

[00:14:45] Randi: mm And we're very authentic here. You guys know , 

[00:14:48] Jess: right? Um, and it's also sometimes when we have false gratitude, it, it's also because we're being forced. It's like the expectation. Mm. When someone gives you a 

[00:14:58] Randi: gift. Yeah. Like we were talking, like they're expecting a response from you and you're trying to give the expected response.

I don't like to open gifts in front of people because I don't wanna feel like I'm having to meet their expectations. Mm-hmm. , I wanna process it and then be like, And for me too, I need time to like think and process things and then I want to be like, Oh my God, like this was really like so thoughtful.

Like thank you for this. This is the reason I enjoy this. Like I appreciate this so much. Instead of just like this fake, like, Oh my God, thank you so 

[00:15:31] Jess: much. I have a friend every time she does that, Oh my God, thank you so much. And she's super excited. She doesn't like it. And 

[00:15:38] Randi: then that's me, , right? 

[00:15:40] Jess: And then when she goes through and she's, you know, really quiet and you think she doesn't like it, that's when she's like, Oh yes, it really touched her.

So I'm always like, Uh, you didn't like it? Oh, you liked it? Oh no. 

[00:15:52] Randi: It's totally opposite of whatever she is. Yeah, I'm that way too cuz I'll be like, like almost like shocked, you know, when I get. I gift gifts are my love language and, um, I like giving gifts too. So, 

[00:16:08] Jess: And you're a good gift giver. Yeah. I mean, you're 

[00:16:09] Randi: really good at it.

I'm like, I'm like really thoughtful when I actually spend time doing it. And I'm 

[00:16:14] Jess: always terrified. I'm always like, Please don't let me pull Randy on this thing. Please don't let me pull Randy gift because like, I, she is so good at it and it would just cause me so much anxiety, , cuz I'm not as good. 

[00:16:25] Randi: And I think that's why people don't, um, like giving me gifts because, because I'm like good at it.

And like I will spend literally like hours, like trying to find like the perfect gift for somebody. But then sometimes I'm like, it stresses me out and I'm just like, Forget it. This is what you're getting. . But yeah. So it can take away from that when it's not your gratitude. Genuine and harmful. And you can see how that can like kind of like hurt, like friendships and relationships too if you're Well 

[00:16:52] Jess: cause it feels demanded.

It feels like someone is saying you must be 

[00:16:56] Randi: grateful. Yeah. So like even I don't let my kids at birthday parties and stuff like open up presents cuz I don't want them to feel like forced to give like a reaction. We can do this later. You can process it and then you can thank everybody at a different time.

That 

[00:17:08] Jess: reminds me, it's like when this is old school. I know, but when people expect a thank you card for a gift they gave you. 

[00:17:15] Randi: Sorry, I don't do that. Oh, I don't either. I quit it. You know what I found the other day? 30 gift, uh, thank you notes for a baby shower. Gifts I had received, um, seven years ago that I never mailed out, and I don't feel guilty about it.

[00:17:31] Jess: No. And you know, I don't. I don't do thank you notes. Cuz if you are expecting a thank you note for a gift you give, then it's not truly a gift. 

[00:17:40] Randi: Right? It it comes with an expectation. Yeah. And this is all these cycling things that we start seeing these connections. If you guys have listened to our past episodes and stuff about this and how all this stuff can be, um, intertwined with like, like the gas lighting and like expectations of women and like 

[00:17:57] Jess: anxiety, it's so anxiety provoking, right?

Because then. I have to tell them what I'm gonna do with this gift besides give it away. And then they're gonna get mad because they wanna know where this gift is in six months. I know, 

[00:18:09] Randi: like I'll read like weird things, like people like comment like, Oh my God, like I have to take this statue out that my mother-in-law gave me like 10 years ago and I hate it.

And it, it's so gross. But it like, if I don't have it out, like she's gonna be like, so in, I'm like, That's about her, not you. Me. It's not a gift. It's not a gift. Like I see so many things in like mom's groups and stuff of like women talking about that stuff or like how their, you know, in-laws or even their own, you know, parents expect their kids to play with certain toys or do certain things or wear certain clothes.

They bought them. No, you do not own. Shit. You do not owe anybody shit. Ooh, 

[00:18:50] Jess: did we strike a nerve there? Yeah. . Wow. 

[00:18:53] Randi: Check out. Don't, with my family, I'm not, I'm not a people pleaser in that way. I would never, But I see so many women do it. Like it makes me cringe. Cause I feel like. You're like shrinking yourself and almost like bowing down in front of another person.

[00:19:07] Jess: And then honestly, it's like when you fake an orgasm, then they're gonna keep doing the same thing. Right? Why? And then you're never gonna have a real orgasm because they think they're doing it right. No, 

[00:19:16] Randi: teach them. Teach them what you want and what you need. Communicate. That's why I send out a gift list of what my kids actually, Oh, I gonna talk about orgasms.

Okay. Go ahead. . She's like, I found out again, she's documentary about where to No, I am very much like, No, don't do that. Do this. Feel like a lot of women are like, fear, fearful. Why? You're gonna have better sex, you're gonna have a better relationship. Tell him don't touch that area. Touch this area, Get up in there, curve that, you know, like , move this way.

Like, No, I don't like that. Yes, I like that. Do that. Again, I am very vocal at that. Like, I don't wanna, I'm not wasting my time. You're killing me over here. You are killing me over. But anyway, same thing. You can apply orgasm or gift. Make that Amazon wish list. Send it out for your kids. You. I made my husband a better gift giver by being very specific.

This is what I want. You can choose from it. Okay, now I'm happy. He's happy. And now my friends are always like, how he gives you the best present. You're like, I picked those out. I, he now knows I've done it enough, like over the years, he can now pick out a gift on his own without referencing my Amazon wishlist.

It takes a lot of training and it's taken a lot of communication and it's taken a lot of discussions about communication, discussions, training about like, this does not like gift giving is important to me. It's not to him. He doesn't care. Yeah. I love buying him gifts, but he doesn't really care, you know, like, but I do, so I'm like, buy me a good gift.

Or we're not friends anymore. So . 

[00:20:51] Jess: Okay. Note taken. I need your list. No, No. Okay. So let's go back to being grateful. Yeah. How then do we actually practice gratitude and being grateful? Be 

[00:21:02] Randi: real. Okay? Like authentic communicate. Don't fake it till you make it. Don't fake that orgasm. Don't fake your happiness about whatever it is.

Whether that person's giving you time. Yes, space a gift. It doesn't apply, you know, to physical things only. Thank you for giving me your time. Like, thank you. Like Jess and I were just talking earlier, like about, we were both trying to be like so hypersensitive to each other's, like times, time, and schedules, you know?

[00:21:29] Jess: And I was like, I didn't wanna impose on your time. I know you're 

[00:21:31] Randi: really busy. Yeah. And I was like, I know, I, I know Fridays are really hectic for you right now. And we were like both like, Oh my God. Like we were trying to be, but then we were like, Oh, that's so thankful, but we need to be a little bit harder with each other.

Like, no, we were being a little too. Focusing 

[00:21:44] Jess: on like some, some of the small themes. Mm-hmm. . Right. Go small versus the big ones. We don't have to be authentic. Like this was a great day. Okay. Maybe the entire day didn't suck. Maybe it wasn't great. Yeah. But it's also being grateful that, you know what, I'm really grateful that we did get to do time to do this today.

Right. Cause I enjoy being able to do this. Yes, exactly. So I'm grateful. Hold on. My dog is snoring. If you guys can't hear that, Hold on. I gotta wake him up here. Hold on. All right. That is not Randy . Um, the other thing, Yes, I'm sorry. The other thing would be to validate. Mm-hmm. validation is such a huge thing.

It's like validating your emotions. Yeah. Um, practicing validation. Right. My huge thing is that it's not black and white. It can be an, and there's no. Or, mm-hmm. . 

[00:22:32] Randi: Yeah. You can feel gratitude and anger. You can feel gratitude and disappointment. You can feel, like you said, you could be maybe grateful for like one side of the coin, but disappointed in the other, and that's okay.

But like then you can be like, Okay, I know I'm disappointed with this, but I am grateful for this and that, like you said, comes. Authenticity and validation. Becoming comfortable with yourself and your emotions is really where this needs to stem from. 

[00:23:02] Jess: Well, and understanding that your feelings are real.

Mm-hmm. and to validate 

[00:23:06] Randi: yourself. Yeah. Right. And you're worthy. Like we say, every episode you are worthy, You. Are worthy of being upset. You're worthy of being grateful. You're 

[00:23:16] Jess: worthy of those big feelings, and you don't have to hide your big feelings. I see that all the time, that 

[00:23:22] Randi: women, you're okay with them.

Talk about them. Right. 

[00:23:25] Jess: Validate them and stay away from comparisons. Mm-hmm. , it just isn't a good thing to compare yourself to others because we don't know their whole 

[00:23:34] Randi: story. Mm-hmm. and like I do, I do this with self still weekly. It's something I use with clients with like C B T therapy, which is cognitive behavioral theory, and I literally imagine a big red stop sign in my head like, Stop thinking this way.

And I will have to like pause and be like, Why am I thinking this way? Is this really the reality? What am I perceiving? And what is really happening. Kind of have to like have like a little mini like powwow with myself in my 

[00:24:06] Jess: head. Like I don't think she does it in her head though. I think she really has a powwow in the car.

I think she's just had this conversation down the road and you think she's on the phone and she is not. But I'm just, Well, . 

[00:24:16] Randi: Yeah. I'm just yelling down the road like at myself. Right? But, um, yeah, and that's a way for you to care for yourself. And then sometimes if you can't, like get help that you need, like talk to a friend, talk to a therapist, take the responsibility of caring for yourself.

And taking the comparison away and talk about it and work through it. I don't know if I've 

[00:24:39] Jess: talked to you guys about this before. I did a, an experiment a couple of years ago, probably more like seven years ago. I had a new DSLR camera. Mm-hmm. . And this was when people were doing their big photo of a day challenge and things you're grateful for.

Well, I changed it to, I don't know, whatever I thought was cool or made me happy or what. At first it was really hard to a remember to do a 

[00:25:02] Randi: photo of the day. Oh, yeah. Now they have those apps and stuff that you can do. Yeah. 

[00:25:06] Jess: But it was hard to remember to do a photo of the day. It was hard to, you know, go, Oh, what's cool and what's different?

Mm-hmm. . And then I remember about two and a half months in, I found myself sitting in this traffic. It was this awful area. It was rain. I looked over and there was a double rainbow, and I was like, Oh, that would make a really cool photo. And from that moment on, my photos got better and better and better.

And it was easier for me to see them. And it wasn't false. It wasn't anything, but it was just, it was like I changed my I, my, my vision. Yeah. Right. You flipped your script. I flipped my script. Yeah. And I can see a different, like, Oh, that'd make a cool photo. Um, and I did it for an entire, And I did it again for another tire, an entire year.

Uhhuh, . Um, and it just, I could see differently cause I was looking for something that was cool. And so there are things to do, even if you, you know, you're not feeling gratitude. There are things that you can do to, to help you like different, to work towards 

[00:26:07] Randi: that, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, like you said, Thinking of it from a different perspective.

Mm-hmm. or thinking of it from another's perspective, um, and how might they feel? And I think that goes hand in hand with becoming more empathetic, which I feel we lack a lot of compassion in. Yeah. Uh, in this society. And, um, just like you said, you were finding a connection and joy like in that moment.

Where like everything was like chaos around you and you thought like that double rainbow like brought you joy and you could focus on that. And so that small pinpoint mm-hmm. , you know, you could just like thumbtack that like that is what is bringing me joy right now. I'm grateful for that one second. You know, And that hour, that was like total chaos.

[00:26:55] Jess: It was the practice, daily practice of that. Mm-hmm. of looking for it cuz it's all around us and sometimes we have to look. Dig deep 

[00:27:05] Randi: sometimes . 

[00:27:06] Jess: Oh, there is the beginning photos. I was digging deep. It was, it was a deep dig. But you know what I also have people do is they'll like a gratitude journal. I'll have 'em write three things because I think 10 things is kind of 

[00:27:18] Randi: hard.

Yeah. And we have a free one on the website too. You guys can download 

[00:27:21] Jess: three things that you're grateful for that day. And it could just be anything simple. Nothing false, but like, I'm really glad I had coffee this morning. Like I was so excited for my cup of coffee this 

[00:27:34] Randi: morning. Yeah, and if you can journal it, I mean, text it to yourself.

I don't know, like voice memo yourself. Just say it out loud. Yeah, say it out loud. You know, like, or even say it, you know, in your head like, Man, that was really cool right now. Yeah. Like, that's it. It doesn't have to be major. Like I love buying journals. I love writing, but like I'm not very good at like, keeping up with them, so No, 

[00:27:57] Jess: no, no.

It's, it's not like a dear diary. Yeah. The other one is like, acts of kindness. Yeah. So we were at, um, the Starbucks couple weeks ago, my daughter and I, and there was a lady behind us mm-hmm. , and I was like, Let's paper her coffee. She's like, Why? And I. Why not? And she was like, Okay. And so we paid for this lady's coffee or whoever it was.

I don't, I'm assuming as a lady paid for her coffee, you know, her cha latte or whatever. And we went off and my daughter was like, That was really cool. Mm-hmm . I'm like, Yeah, just something for fun. And then the lady was driving by us cuz we were at a light and she goes, Oh. Mom Here she comes, here she comes.

What do I do? What do I do? I'm like, Just act normal. Yeah. I don't know if she knows it was us or not. It's not a big deal. We we're not looking 

[00:28:39] Randi: for it. We're not doing it for validation. 

[00:28:41] Jess: Right. Yeah. And she says she looked at her, she goes, She had such a smile on her face, Mom, and she wasn't looking at us, but she said she was just driving with a smile on her face.

I said, You know, we could have absolutely made her. 

[00:28:55] Randi: I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a minute. Uhoh. I have heard, um, on the opposite side from Starbucks employees and some other people, um, because I have a lot of low income clients that have said that really stresses them out because then they feel forced to pay for the person behind them.

Oh, and you know what? They don't know if they could afford it. And I wanna say, With that. The Starbucks people, I think, have learned to say like, You, you do not need to like pass this on to somebody or like, don't worry about it and stuff like that. So I love random acts of kindness. I love doing that kind of stuff.

But like, I, 

[00:29:30] Jess: the reason I did that though was because there was nobody behind her. Oh, perfect. 

[00:29:34] Randi: So there was not a long, not like a long line that like needs to be like, cuz somebody's like, what if, you know, they order. Like, Yeah, like $50 worth of like Starbucks and I can't afford that. And like, I just wanted like my dollar cake pop

[00:29:47] Jess: No. The reason they did it that day was because there was, You were more thoughtful. Yeah, yeah. There was nobody behind us. I wasn't trying to create this like, you know, thoughtful train. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It was really just for that one person in that one moment. Yeah. And my daughter goes, she said that, but what if there's a person behind him?

And I was like, Nobody's behind him. This is just about them. 

[00:30:07] Randi: Well, cuz you've raised a thoughtful kid, but Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're a thoughtful person, but, Oh, well thank you. 

[00:30:11] Jess: You're, But yeah, we, we do, we thought of that, that, because I was like, I don't wanna have to, I'm not trying to create something here.

Mm-hmm. because I feel bad when I break it. Yeah. Cuz now I feel guilty that. 

[00:30:21] Randi: Right. And that's what can induce a lot of things. So there's, Yeah. But I love doing small, random things like that, and I do a lot of like fundraising and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. and I, I do not like validation for it, and it's really hard for me.

We had done a big fundraiser. She gets a little weird, just so you know. Yeah. We did a bug. Big fundraiser a couple years ago and they wanted me to come and like present me with like a giant check for their social media. And I did not wanna do it, but it was to help this nonprofit, right? Mm-hmm. . And they wanted, you know, to share like what I had done for them.

And I was like, But I don't do this for recognition. I am the type of person that I don't need to be recognized for my service acts. Uh, doing service acts is my, another love language of mine to give mm-hmm. to my community and stuff like that. A lot of people do service acts for recognition and for me like that, uh, doesn't validate like the gratitude I get from it.

I would rather be like behind the scenes, but I realize like, okay, it's helping them and like their presence and they want other donors to know, like, we had done this. And so I was like, Okay, I stepped. Out from behind the shadows to do like this big check picture. But yeah, it made me really uncomfortable, but I was like, okay, that was a way for them to express gratitude to me and like I was had to learn how to like accept 

[00:31:47] Jess: it too.

It's also okay Randy to say I'm not comfortable with that. Yeah. Please accept it on my behalf. Yes. That's not what I'm looking for. Yeah. You know, I love the holidays, especially like you've been booed, Right? Especially like for October, like that, we did a couple in October. But like what I do is I take out the part where you're supposed to redo it.

Right? Because I hate that, that it's like a chain mail. Don't give me some, Remember those God chain mails? Chain letters. Chain letters. That's 

[00:32:14] Randi: it. My mom used to be like so paranoid about those. I'm gonna get bad luck if I don't send it to seven. My friends. This weird. And like, then it turned into like an email chain thing, spam, and it was like, what?

[00:32:24] Jess: Spam. But we did that for little boys across the street 

[00:32:27] Randi: too. Well, you're. Stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Like I like that you put, like, you do not need to, cuz it's like maybe they don't have, you know, the money to make like that basket or do you know, whatever. 

[00:32:37] Jess: Well, and I don't wanna create, like, we'll do, we did a little basket and gave it to them, but I didn't do the, you're supposed to forward it because I don't wanna create that for that mom.

Mm-hmm. because she more 

[00:32:48] Randi: stress, more work. Yeah. Yeah. She's trying, you're trying to alleviate something and bring some joy, you know, to their day and stuff. And I just 

wanted. 

[00:32:56] Jess: See them open it through my window. Like keeping Tom, It was really fun though, right? And my daughter ran over, rang the doorbell, she ran back.

We did it all 

[00:33:03] Randi: secretive. Yeah. I love doing that stuff too. And I don't like ever do it with like the intention of like expecting getting anything in return. And I think when you create those kind of realities and boundaries with yourself about your expectations for gratitude, it makes it more powerful, you know?

Right. And that. The type of things that help with increasing your serotonin and reducing your stress like and improving relationships and friendships just as over here, like knocking over all of our audio equipment. I 

[00:33:34] Jess: so excited that like I knocked everything over. Oh my gosh. I'm gonna have to hold it 

[00:33:38] Randi: now.

Oh, we're hot messes all the time. The time. And learn to feel gratitude without the comparison and the guilt and things like that, like true gratitude that can improve your overall 

[00:33:48] Jess: health. I also wanna say, you don't have to have a gratitude practice. If you're rolling into November and you're like, I don't wanna do this, don't 

[00:33:57] Randi: do it.

It can be hard. Like a lot of people have family issues. You can say, Fuck gratitude, right? Right. It's, It's not your thing. It doesn't have to be your thing. Yeah. You don't need to take on another thing. Right. We don't 

[00:34:06] Jess: need another thing. It's okay if it's going to harm your mental health. We will both be the first people that say Don't 

[00:34:13] Randi: do it.

Yeah. Drop it, Put up that boundary. Like, I'm not doing gratitude journal. Like this is dumb. Like this is one more thing on my plate. Okay. 

[00:34:20] Jess: And for those who have the gratitude practice of they gave it up to God, they give it up to the universe, then keep it. If that works for you, then keep it. 

[00:34:28] Randi: Yeah. Find. You can fit it in, work it for you, or dump it and cut it.

If it doesn't work for you, there's no guilt. No shame here. 

[00:34:38] Jess: Nope. Just if it doesn't serve a purpose, it's okay to let it go. Yep, 

[00:34:42] Randi: Exactly. Thank you guys for listening in on this episode, and we'll chat with you more next time. Chat with you later. Three. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

Feel don't 

[00:34:54] Jess: free to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically, randy and jess.com 

[00:35:01] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.