April 17, 2024

Empowerment Begins with Believing Survivors of Sexual Assault

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Season 3 Women's Mental Health Coping Skills & Tools Trauma, PTSD & Healing

Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, two compassionate voices in the field of women's mental health, as they offer invaluable insights on healing after sexual violence, the journey of overcoming sexual assault trauma, and practical strategies for empowering sexual assault survivors. Whether you're navigating your own path to recovery, seeking to support a loved one, or simply yearning to understand more about this critical issue, this episode is a beacon of hope and a source of empowering sexual assault survivor support. Together, let's break the silence, foster awareness, and embark on a healing journey filled with strength, understanding, and community.

In the journey of overcoming sexual assault trauma, every step forward is a testament to your strength and resilience. The road to navigating mental health post-sexual assault is unique for every individual, but know that creating safe spaces for abuse survivors is at the heart of our collective effort. Remember, standing together, speaking out, and embracing our shared experiences not only fosters a sense of community but also paves the way for triumph over adversity. 

Looking ahead, we're excited to continue amplifying conversations that drive change and support healing in our community. Upcoming podcast episodes will feature invaluable discussions focusing on coping strategies for sexual abuse survivors, shedding light on the tools that empower you to reclaim your sense of self and strength.  We believe in creating safe spaces for abuse survivors, and our future episodes will discuss inclusive strategies making this goal a shared reality. 

FAQs
How can I support a friend or loved one who is a sexual assault survivor?
What are some common reactions of sexual assault survivors and how can I help?
Is it okay to ask a survivor about their experience with sexual assault?
Can sexual assault survivors experience long-term mental health effects?
What are some ways to create a safe environment for sexual assault survivors?
How can I help a survivor feel empowered and reclaim their sense of control?
What are some resources available to support sexual assault survivors?
Are there specific considerations for supporting LGBTQ+ sexual assault survivors?
How can I take care of myself while supporting a sexual assault survivor?

#sexualassaultawareness  #survivorsofsexualassault #endsexualviolence #supportsurvivors #healingfromsexualassault  #breakthesilence #mentalhealthsupport #empowermentforwomen #consentculture  #believesurvivors"

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.

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If this episode resonated with you, we warmly welcome you to explore more empowering conversations on the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Each episode is designed to connect, educate, and uplift our strong and resilient listeners, just like you.

Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.

#Empowerment, #MentalHealth, #BreakTheStigma

Transcript
WEBVTT

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Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast.

00:00:02.259 --> 00:00:02.950
I'm Randi.

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And I'm Jess.

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And we're two licensed psychotherapists.

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This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with all of life's challenges.

00:00:13.869 --> 00:00:18.410
And how all of this is normal, with the exception of what we're going to talk about today.

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Not normal.

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Well, it happens a lot, but it shouldn't be

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normal.

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It's very normal.

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It should not be a norm for us as women, and you are not alone in this.

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Right.

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Okay.

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So

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this is also a trigger warning for those.

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Uh, we are going to talk about a topic that is a little tough today.

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So we're going to talk about how to support those that have been sexually assaulted.

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So supporting sexual assault

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survivors.

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And understanding and addressing.

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Addressing the needs of sexual assault survivors is crucial for really fostering healing and resilience, especially in the community for women.

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Mm hmm.

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So find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast.

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com.

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I also want to note that if you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

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It's confidential 24 seven, there's support there.

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It's 800.

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6, 5, 6.

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Hope

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so.

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Have you ever had these thoughts?

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How can I support a friend or a loved one who.

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What

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are some common reactions, of sexual assault, sexual assault survivors and how can I

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help?

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Is it okay to ask a survivor about their experience with sexual assault?

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Can sexual assault survivors experience long term mental health

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effects?

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What are some ways to create a safe and supportive environment for sexual assault survivors?

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How can I help a survivor feel empowered and reclaim their sense of

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control?

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What are some resources available to support sexual assault survivors?

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How can I advocate for systematic change?

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No, that's, is that it?

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Systemic.

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No, systemic.

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Hold on.

00:02:03.015 --> 00:02:07.655
How can I advocate for change to support sexual assault survivors?

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Are there specific considerations for supporting, an LGBTQ plus sexual assault survivor?

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Man, you just said that like, boom, boom.

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How can I take care of myself while supporting a sexual assault survivor?

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That's a big one right there.

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Especially if you have your own trauma, is one of the things

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that we're going to talk about.

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It's very common.

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Is it 9 women have experienced some type of sexual assault?

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Oh, it's worse.

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Every 68 seconds, another American is sexually assaulted.

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1 out of 6 American women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

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14.

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8 percent have been completed and 2.

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8 percent attempted.

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So in about 3 percent of American men, that's 1 in 33, have experienced also an attempt or completed rape in their lifetime.

00:03:05.736 --> 00:03:08.247
So this is not just women.

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This, overall, is men, women, children.

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Daughters, nieces, nephews being assaulted.

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And I know this is a heavy, heavy topic, but it's very important that us as women talk about this.

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We want to talk about it, not to normalize it so that way when it does happen to somebody, or if it does happen to somebody that they can get the help that they need, because this is just too much.

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And I was looking at this saying, they said inmates.

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80, 600 inmates were sexually assaulted or raped, and this is one year.

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This is one year time frame, and 60, 000 children in the last year were victimized with sexual abuse.

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Right, and there's a general public, 433, 000 people, 12 and older, were sexually assaulted or raped this last

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year.

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And something that we hold in high regard to, which is the military.

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Mm hmm.

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Over 18, 000 men and women have experienced unwanted sexual contact.

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I think it's really interesting how it breaks it down between assault, rape, sexual abuse, unwanted sexual contact.

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Mm hmm.

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Any of that Is sexual assault.

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Is sexual assault.

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Whether we're going to call it molestation, we're going to call it rape, we're going to call it anything like that.

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Attempted rape.

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Anything.

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It's all sexual assault.

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Sexual assault.

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They only use if it's completed or not completed, penetration, is usually when they consider it completed, which any of it is not okay.

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No.

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None of it.

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And meanwhile, only 25.

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Out of every 1, 000 perpetrators will end up in prison.

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So more often than not, the person who has molested, raped, touched, done anything to sexually assault someone is not in prison.

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This is bullshit.

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It is.

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This is such bullshit.

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It makes me want to cry.

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I know.

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This is such bullshit.

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Because it's very hard to be.

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in a vulnerable population, whether that is a child or a woman or LGBT.

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we are more prone in those communities to experience that.

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it is so common.

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It's sad.

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It is so common that we know so many people that something has happened to, and really any form of non consensual and non consensual means you didn't ask for it.

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You don't want

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it.

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you did not give enthusiastic consent.

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Yes, I fucking want this.

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That's an enthusiastic consent, clear communication that you want it.

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Non consensual is if you did not verbally say or you said no in any way, shape, or form, push somebody away, that is all non consensual.

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You did not consent to that person touching you, penetrating you, trying to, touch you in any way, shape, or form.

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And from a mental health perspective and a therapist perspective, sexual assault leads to a range of Mental health disorders and psychological effects, including post traumatic stress disorder, commonly known as PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder, substance abuse.

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As someone who worked in the substance, abuse field and the homeless and addiction field, seeing the rampant sexual assault that happened to my clients on a day to day basis, I It is

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heartbreaking.

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did you know that it wasn't until 1993 that marital rape actually became

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illegal?

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People think because you're married or in you're in a relationship with somebody, even boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, this can happen all the time, that they have access to your body.

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That is 1000 percent not true.

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Nobody has access to your body.

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Nobody, nobody.

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You are the only person that has full control over your body.

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And if you do not want to have sex with your partner, you don't have to, you do not have to, if they have, try to push it.

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That is non consensual sexual activity and sexual assault.

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Mm hmm.

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And I think we don't want to think that about somebody that we could love and care about, but most sexual assault happens with somebody that we know.

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It's somebody that is close.

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I have a friend back from junior high.

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this is a case that has gone public.

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I'm not going to call her out, she was being assaulted by a coach for a long time.

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And I remember back then, and this is the thing I tell people, trust your gut.

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If your gut says something, there's something going on.

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Even back then, I was like, How come you know how to get into his boat?

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How do you know how to do all of this and I remember she at one point she said yeah Yeah, he you know, he put me on the pill and I was thinking why would he put you on birth control, right?

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Why wouldn't your parents and I wish I've told her this I wish I would have said something cuz that didn't seem

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right to me in a way She was probably crying for help, but didn't know how to yeah, and It's hard not to feel guilty, but you were also a young child.

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I was a kid.

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And didn't know and understand that either.

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So a lot of times we can have what is called survivors guilt.

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If like our child has been, molested or a friend has been raped or we're there at a bar, with somebody and then something happened.

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It's important to always be aware of your surroundings, but sometimes no matter all the things you think you can do, something bad just still happens.

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My favorite thing I've ever read, I've said this before, I believe in here, but my favorite thing I ever read was that there was a woman who said, I got drunk and I passed out on the train and I woke up way past my stop.

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She says, and I didn't get raped.

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Do you want to know why I didn't get raped?

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Because there wasn't a rapist on the train, right?

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It wasn't because she passed out.

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It wasn't because it was late at night.

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It was late at night.

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No, no, no.

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What she was wearing.

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No, it isn't.

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We shame

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people a lot of times like, oh, you were flirting or you were drinking or it doesn't matter.

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No, you were, she wasn't raped because there wasn't a rapist on the train.

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And that's, that is what happens is that, when people blame the victim of what did you do to get there?

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No, no, no, no.

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Why aren't we looking at the person saying she was raped because there was

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a rapist in the room?

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And a lot of times, too, the perpetrator has also been sexually assaulted and never been helped and their perpetrator has been sexually assaulted and never been helped.

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it spreads.

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And because we don't talk about this as a society.

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we don't bring it to the light enough, we need more awareness about this so we can see those things and we can teach our kids that, like you said, if you hear something that you think is off with a friend or yourself, or you feel wrong about something, tell somebody.

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Go

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check with somebody and be like, Hey, I heard this.

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Does this sound right?

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Right.

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I don't know if we would have known back then to do anything different.

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No, yeah, probably not.

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But I feel like this generation that we're raising right now would be like, that doesn't sound right.

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That

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doesn't, that sounds weird.

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Yeah, so we can empower our future generations to hold that space for others and themselves so they can use their voices to break.

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Mm hmm.

00:10:23.495 --> 00:10:28.375
this generational cyclical cycle of sexual assault.

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what are ways that we can support those who have been sexually Assaulted.

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What are some statements that we can say to make others know that we're a safe space for them to to come?

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If something like that has happened, the first

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one is, I believe, I believe those that have said they've been sexually assaulted.

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It's not my place to question them.

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Yeah, I believe if somebody you're not judge jury.

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No, it's not my job.

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If somebody says I've been sexually assaulted, I believe you.

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And that is right there.

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I believe you.

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what's

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another one?

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There is never any excuse for sexual assault.

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There's no excuse.

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Nobody deserves.

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Nope.

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Nobody

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deserves it.

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Nobody.

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Nobody deserves it.

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And that's another one.

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No one deserves it.

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deserves it.

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You didn't deserve this.

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She didn't deserve this.

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He didn't deserve it.

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Nobody deserves this.

00:11:22.197 --> 00:11:25.148
another one is I'm speaking up for people who are afraid.

00:11:25.307 --> 00:11:25.707
Yeah.

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And that's what we're doing right now is we're speaking up for people who are afraid.

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Another one, everyone deserves to feel safe.

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So holding that safe space for people, letting everybody know.

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Whether it's a child or an adult that they deserve to feel safe, whether that's in their own skin or their home or their school or their college, everyone deserves to feel safe.

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It's on us.

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No more excuses.

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We can do more teaching our younger kids.

00:11:58.945 --> 00:11:59.764
Oh, man.

00:12:00.154 --> 00:12:07.961
We had this friend of the family who taught her son to get permission he even said, May I give you a hug?

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He wanted consent to give a hug because he didn't want to impose because he's a man.

00:12:14.403 --> 00:12:14.793
Yeah,

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like a lot of, our generation was like, go give, grandpa a hug.

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Well, grandpa, I don't like him, he makes me feel weird, but just go give him a hug.

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our generation, I feel perpetuated rape culture.

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you don't like that feeling.

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You just suck it up.

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You just push it down.

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You let that person touch you.

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Instead of now, I'm like, I don't make my kids.

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Hug somebody, touch somebody, kiss somebody if they don't want to.

00:12:37.177 --> 00:12:40.947
Jess always comes over and she sees, my son and she goes, can I give you a hug?

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And he'll tell her yes, usually a hundred percent, but she asks him, can I come into your space?

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Is it okay?

00:12:47.980 --> 00:12:55.740
That's a way of creating a safe space and a way of letting our kids know that they have the autonomy to make choices about our body.

00:12:57.274 --> 00:12:57.534
Yeah.

00:12:57.534 --> 00:13:00.235
And if they say no, if he had said no, I'd say, cool.

00:13:00.274 --> 00:13:00.544
Okay,

00:13:00.544 --> 00:13:00.695
cool.

00:13:01.485 --> 00:13:02.995
High five or whatever.

00:13:03.174 --> 00:13:04.335
Check, check you later.

00:13:04.475 --> 00:13:05.075
Check you later.

00:13:05.384 --> 00:13:05.534
But

00:13:05.534 --> 00:13:06.404
yeah, he normally gives me

00:13:06.404 --> 00:13:06.705
a hug.

00:13:06.764 --> 00:13:10.404
So what is technically considered sexual assault?

00:13:10.465 --> 00:13:12.250
Let's go through this again because it's such a difficult question.

00:13:13.220 --> 00:13:23.549
It's a hard topic and I feel like a lot of us dissociate and blank out when we talk about it because it either brings up our own sexual assault or I've had friends who have been, it's, it's rampant.

00:13:23.549 --> 00:13:24.769
It is, and this

00:13:24.769 --> 00:13:30.110
is probably going to be our lowest listened to podcast because nobody wants to listen to, listen to stuff about sexual assault.

00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:30.905
But that's okay, it's important.

00:13:30.905 --> 00:13:32.799
We need to talk about this, it's important.

00:13:32.809 --> 00:13:33.139
So.

00:13:33.815 --> 00:13:39.125
Sexual assault is any non consensual sexual activity.

00:13:39.384 --> 00:13:54.754
It includes, but it is not limited, let me put that, not limited to any kind of unwanted touching, penetration, or coercion, which is somebody, of making you, bribing you, if you do this for me, then I'll do this for you.

00:13:54.804 --> 00:14:03.245
Anybody takes on any part of wanting to be part of your body, any kind of touching that you do not ask for.

00:14:03.938 --> 00:14:08.589
what do we do if, if me or somebody has been sexually assaulted?

00:14:08.599 --> 00:14:09.129
What do I do?

00:14:09.298 --> 00:14:15.869
So if you have experienced any type of sexual assault, your safety and well being are the top priority.

00:14:16.208 --> 00:14:29.822
Seek medical care, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, a family member or a therapist, somebody that you feel comfortable and safe with, report the assault to law enforcement.

00:14:30.065 --> 00:14:35.804
And understand too, side note, that law enforcement is not always trained for this.

00:14:36.195 --> 00:14:39.534
So they might not be sensitive, they might question you.

00:14:39.794 --> 00:14:47.272
Hold on to your truth and report the crime and just tell them it's your duty to write down what I'm saying.

00:14:47.461 --> 00:14:48.211
That's it.

00:14:48.522 --> 00:14:52.851
And then seek support too from a sexual assault advocacy.

00:14:52.871 --> 00:14:55.672
There are lots of organizations out there because.

00:14:55.741 --> 00:15:04.361
This, this happens way too often, you're not alone in this and having support of other people who have walked through this too can be a huge help in the healing

00:15:04.371 --> 00:15:04.942
process.

00:15:05.162 --> 00:15:06.922
And we know this is embarrassing.

00:15:07.042 --> 00:15:07.461
We do.

00:15:07.471 --> 00:15:10.292
We know that it's embarrassing and shameful

00:15:10.322 --> 00:15:15.761
and well, especially as women, we're taught that it's embarrassing and shameful and we should have guilt.

00:15:15.841 --> 00:15:16.782
Oh, I love that.

00:15:16.782 --> 00:15:17.062
Wait.

00:15:17.072 --> 00:15:17.481
You're right.

00:15:17.491 --> 00:15:18.282
Change me.

00:15:18.282 --> 00:15:19.802
I'm not even going to cut that out.

00:15:19.822 --> 00:15:20.121
Yeah.

00:15:20.131 --> 00:15:22.652
We shouldn't feel something that happens.

00:15:22.662 --> 00:15:22.701
I

00:15:22.711 --> 00:15:23.922
mean, we, we do.

00:15:24.417 --> 00:15:34.966
And we carry that for a long time, we, we should not, it's not your place to hold guilt, shame or embarrassment about this happening because

00:15:34.976 --> 00:15:37.386
something was done to you, right?

00:15:37.397 --> 00:15:38.797
You did not cause it.

00:15:38.826 --> 00:15:40.486
Oh, thank you for fixing that for me.

00:15:40.547 --> 00:15:41.537
See, look at me old.

00:15:41.547 --> 00:15:41.947
I'm old.

00:15:42.567 --> 00:15:42.736
I'm

00:15:42.736 --> 00:15:43.106
old.

00:15:43.366 --> 00:15:48.986
Well, Jess, what are some of the emotional side effects that can happen when you've been sexually assaulted?

00:15:49.476 --> 00:15:49.736
Like

00:15:49.736 --> 00:15:56.214
we were just talking about actually These feelings of shame and guilt and anxiety, fear, fear.

00:15:56.244 --> 00:15:56.714
Oh my God.

00:15:56.714 --> 00:15:57.043
Yeah.

00:15:57.043 --> 00:15:57.533
Fear.

00:15:57.553 --> 00:16:02.224
I just, it's important to remember though, that these responses are very natural.

00:16:02.504 --> 00:16:04.994
These are all things that are very natural.

00:16:05.224 --> 00:16:13.344
and we really should get help from, Somebody who is trained in this, to help with this trauma that you've had happen to you.

00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:17.289
how can survivors of sexual assault cope with this

00:16:17.299 --> 00:16:17.820
trauma?

00:16:18.090 --> 00:16:26.485
it's a really deeply personal journey because Of course, nobody is sexually assaulted the same way as somebody else.

00:16:27.014 --> 00:16:35.392
So really, you have to find a combination of things that works for you when you're ready to walk through that trauma.

00:16:35.764 --> 00:16:39.054
I think in a way, too, there is a grief process that also happens.

00:16:39.085 --> 00:16:39.634
Oh, God, yeah.

00:16:39.970 --> 00:16:46.677
So you are grieving the loss of maybe innocence or, trust that you had with somebody or there's so many things.

00:16:46.994 --> 00:16:56.647
So therapy, support groups, mindfulness practices, caring for yourself, doing self care can really benefit.

00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:07.054
You're healing and everyone that has been through this, every survivor deserves compassionate support while they're working through recovering from this trauma.

00:17:07.134 --> 00:17:13.223
So if you don't feel supported, if it's a support group or a therapist Find people that support you.

00:17:13.384 --> 00:17:14.064
Exactly.

00:17:14.354 --> 00:17:26.653
The other thing I tell my, my mamas, my women, when you are going to the doctor, if you're going to an OB, if you're going to have a child, it's important to share with them that you are.

00:17:27.095 --> 00:17:27.805
I'll say a victim.

00:17:27.815 --> 00:17:30.305
Nobody likes that word, but you, you have been victimized.

00:17:30.305 --> 00:17:31.734
You've been sexually assaulted.

00:17:32.285 --> 00:17:36.875
For them to be able to walk you through exactly what they're doing.

00:17:37.384 --> 00:17:40.744
Because it, you want to get that power back.

00:17:40.825 --> 00:17:41.275
Yeah.

00:17:41.305 --> 00:17:44.144
And so yes, we have to go to OBGYNs.

00:17:44.638 --> 00:17:47.334
But you can tell them, I've been assaulted.

00:17:47.334 --> 00:17:51.574
Can you please walk me through what you're doing, even if it's in

00:17:51.983 --> 00:17:52.834
the past, right?

00:17:52.854 --> 00:17:58.384
Or I'm comfortable with this or this, or you touching me in a certain way can trigger me.

00:17:59.364 --> 00:18:03.574
Take your power back and use your voice.

00:18:03.594 --> 00:18:06.294
And that also helps educate others.

00:18:06.834 --> 00:18:14.207
Maybe that doctor doesn't have experience or they haven't thought about that and how they should treat somebody that has been sexually assaulted.

00:18:14.277 --> 00:18:23.136
You can have a rippling, powerful effect when you use your voice to help take your power back and advocate for yourself.

00:18:23.676 --> 00:18:28.396
And that leads into Can survivors of sexual assault experience PTSD?

00:18:28.416 --> 00:18:29.186
And that's yes.

00:18:29.196 --> 00:18:32.317
And that leads into this because you can have what flashbacks.

00:18:32.376 --> 00:18:32.717
Oh,

00:18:32.737 --> 00:18:34.636
flashbacks and nightmares.

00:18:34.636 --> 00:18:39.856
And just this hyper, what we call hyper vigilance, just always being on edge.

00:18:40.196 --> 00:18:43.876
And this could even happen years later.

00:18:43.916 --> 00:18:45.317
This could, you could go,

00:18:45.717 --> 00:18:48.317
yeah, it could be, you could think like I'm all great.

00:18:48.317 --> 00:18:51.307
And then all of a sudden something pops up and it triggers you.

00:18:51.571 --> 00:18:51.932
Right.

00:18:51.932 --> 00:18:56.898
And a trigger is anything that makes you react, it could happen 20 years later.

00:18:57.078 --> 00:19:04.102
And then when that happens, you go back to therapy, you go back to whatever your path was for healing because it never goes away entirely.

00:19:04.102 --> 00:19:09.501
And that's what's so sad about all this is that you can't make this trauma go away entirely.

00:19:09.862 --> 00:19:12.172
It'll always be there just a little bit.

00:19:12.192 --> 00:19:13.061
It just,

00:19:13.622 --> 00:19:16.451
it alters your brain chemistry.

00:19:17.023 --> 00:19:35.886
When you are victimized like this and assaulted, and that's hard to understand that it has altered physically who you are and learning how to move on in this body that has been assaulted.

00:19:36.067 --> 00:19:36.446
Yeah.

00:19:36.477 --> 00:19:37.396
Somebody took away.

00:19:37.596 --> 00:19:44.826
You and without your permission, So is it common for survivors to feel a sense of guilt or self

00:19:44.826 --> 00:19:45.196
blame?

00:19:45.376 --> 00:19:57.876
Yeah, and we talked about the guilt and the shame but the self blame to can come up where people are like, it's my fault or maybe if I hadn't done this or I had done this or maybe I did.

00:19:58.217 --> 00:20:02.007
And we, our human brain wants to rationalize everything.

00:20:02.426 --> 00:20:09.196
And this is something that there's no real way to rationalize why this has happened.

00:20:09.297 --> 00:20:17.977
And there's, we can just, especially as women, internalize this narrative and feel guilt for it.

00:20:18.527 --> 00:20:35.967
And so that's why it's important to surround yourself with, empathetic and, affirming support that, you are not guilty, you are not to blame, you are loved, you are whole and you can, move on from this with the right support.

00:20:37.707 --> 00:20:45.436
So if I'm a friend or a family member of somebody who has been sexually assaulted, how can I support them?

00:20:46.089 --> 00:20:48.064
First, be nonjudgmental.

00:20:48.247 --> 00:20:50.067
Don't try to put yourself in their shoes.

00:20:50.467 --> 00:20:52.874
those aren't shoes that you even understand.

00:20:52.884 --> 00:20:53.223
Right.

00:20:53.263 --> 00:21:03.084
Or if you do understand, just offer them, a safe place, validate them, hear them out, do what we call active listening.

00:21:03.406 --> 00:21:08.987
Just be one with them and be present and just show them that you care.

00:21:09.250 --> 00:21:15.650
that can make all the difference in somebody's journey if they know that they have a safe place to talk about things.

00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:17.880
Even just sit with somebody, who feels safe.

00:21:18.099 --> 00:21:23.374
one of the, have you Whoever's earlier, we asked, is it okay to ask about, Their experience.

00:21:23.640 --> 00:21:32.856
I don't know if it's okay to ask about their experience unless they're willing to tell you, If somebody wants to share what happened, I think that's okay.

00:21:33.156 --> 00:21:35.807
as a therapist, I will ask what happened.

00:21:36.152 --> 00:21:37.902
But I'm trained to ask what happened.

00:21:37.902 --> 00:21:41.454
I'm trained to know where I can go and not

00:21:41.454 --> 00:21:41.994
go.

00:21:42.335 --> 00:21:42.565
Yeah.

00:21:42.565 --> 00:21:44.984
When to push and when to hold back.

00:21:45.045 --> 00:21:52.568
there's a lot of training that goes into that, especially people who specialize in PTSD, because it can be a minefield.

00:21:52.669 --> 00:21:57.568
Your mind is a minefield and things can, send you over the edge when you're walking through trauma.

00:21:57.713 --> 00:22:02.176
So it's really important to have the right type of person that can help you navigate that.

00:22:02.426 --> 00:22:05.247
so I think if, you can say, do you want to talk about it?

00:22:05.497 --> 00:22:07.626
Do you want to share with me some of what happened?

00:22:07.926 --> 00:22:11.636
I think that's okay to say that, but you don't want to be like, tell me what happened.

00:22:11.646 --> 00:22:12.086
Right.

00:22:12.527 --> 00:22:16.666
Or when you are ready to talk about it, I am here to listen.

00:22:16.777 --> 00:22:17.346
Oh, that's

00:22:17.346 --> 00:22:18.196
a good one too.

00:22:18.277 --> 00:22:19.156
That is a good one.

00:22:19.227 --> 00:22:19.557
So they know

00:22:19.557 --> 00:22:20.727
that.

00:22:20.926 --> 00:22:22.096
Maybe they're not ready.

00:22:22.116 --> 00:22:35.874
It might be five years from now, 10 years from now, never, but they know that they have that safe space where they can come and talk to you, that you are giving them a non judgmental space to, say what has happened.

00:22:36.153 --> 00:22:48.086
I also want to point out that if you are not comfortable with it, or if it's going to trigger something of yours, it is okay to say, I'm here for you, I don't think I can hear that right

00:22:48.106 --> 00:22:57.557
or I can't hold this space for you, or maybe I have other resources for you, but because I've walked this path or maybe you just know you don't have the empathy for that.

00:22:57.596 --> 00:22:58.386
And that's okay.

00:22:58.386 --> 00:23:02.797
If you know your strengths and weaknesses to say, I love you.

00:23:03.142 --> 00:23:08.031
I wish I could be this person for you, but maybe I can't hold this space for

00:23:08.031 --> 00:23:08.352
you.

00:23:08.701 --> 00:23:14.622
A lot of times when it happens to a partner, and the other partner just cannot.

00:23:14.944 --> 00:23:15.434
Yeah.

00:23:15.484 --> 00:23:22.309
They have their own guilt and shame that they just don't want to hear it because it makes them angry or it makes

00:23:22.309 --> 00:23:22.692
them sad.

00:23:22.692 --> 00:23:26.638
Sometimes it makes it too real for somebody and they can't, they don't have the coping skills.

00:23:26.794 --> 00:23:27.624
Exactly.

00:23:27.624 --> 00:23:29.413
And or they don't want to see you hurt.

00:23:29.413 --> 00:23:31.943
They're so upset that you're hurt.

00:23:32.446 --> 00:23:34.426
part of it is also finding your audience.

00:23:34.836 --> 00:23:37.586
Making sure that you have the right person to listen to you.

00:23:37.997 --> 00:23:40.497
So maybe it's also saying, can I tell you this?

00:23:41.186 --> 00:23:42.086
from the other person.

00:23:42.086 --> 00:23:44.886
Yeah, sometimes people can't, hold that space for you.

00:23:45.176 --> 00:23:47.517
Like Jess and I are trained to hold that space.

00:23:47.777 --> 00:23:51.896
even us as therapists, we can get highly burnt out from holding that.

00:23:52.761 --> 00:23:54.811
We take everything in confidence.

00:23:55.311 --> 00:24:08.622
And even I've talked to some of my friends who are like in the beauty industry and they're like, some of this stuff, yes, that people just feel like they can tell me and it's so heavy and I can't, so asking, is it okay if I talk about this with you?

00:24:08.622 --> 00:24:11.092
Because you also don't know what somebody else's triggers are.

00:24:11.298 --> 00:24:13.939
I think that's an important, point to make, and it's okay

00:24:13.939 --> 00:24:15.459
to have boundaries and say.

00:24:15.739 --> 00:24:21.088
I'm sorry that happened to you, however, this is something that I'm not comfortable talking about.

00:24:21.689 --> 00:24:32.638
That is okay to say too, especially I'm laughing, I'm not laughing at the subject, I'm laughing because the beauty industry, this stuff that sometimes I'll sit there and I listen to people tell them, I'm like, wow, it's like,

00:24:32.969 --> 00:24:38.068
you realize this is a public forum and there's no confidentiality agreement in place here, right?

00:24:39.409 --> 00:24:42.318
I always compare therapists and hairdressers or, Stylist.

00:24:42.348 --> 00:24:42.459
Yeah.

00:24:42.788 --> 00:24:43.148
Because.

00:24:43.723 --> 00:24:47.023
They're touching us in our safe space because they're doing

00:24:47.023 --> 00:24:47.423
our hair.

00:24:47.423 --> 00:24:51.253
So people are like a massage therapist or even a facial therapist.

00:24:51.467 --> 00:24:53.626
It's because we're in their personal space touching.

00:24:53.646 --> 00:24:58.676
Oh, that we feel safer to say, yeah, they're playing with our hair.

00:24:59.237 --> 00:25:01.537
it creates a false sense of intimacy.

00:25:01.547 --> 00:25:01.916
Yes.

00:25:02.017 --> 00:25:02.507
That's what it is.

00:25:02.507 --> 00:25:02.987
Good job.

00:25:02.987 --> 00:25:03.356
Good job.

00:25:03.967 --> 00:25:04.227
Okay.

00:25:04.287 --> 00:25:09.477
So can survivors of sexual assault pursue legal action against their perpetrators?

00:25:09.625 --> 00:25:25.798
Yes, it varies state by state, you really want to, talk to legal advocates or organizations that specialize in sexual assault, they're going to be able to provide all the information and support so you can look at what your legal options are.

00:25:26.147 --> 00:25:26.208
Thank you.

00:25:26.367 --> 00:25:29.238
Always, if that's what you want to do, please do.

00:25:29.268 --> 00:25:32.048
You don't always have to if you don't want

00:25:32.057 --> 00:25:32.377
to.

00:25:32.377 --> 00:25:36.867
I feel a lot of women don't because of all the self blame and guilt and shame around it.

00:25:37.347 --> 00:25:40.438
But it can help other women when you do step.

00:25:40.490 --> 00:25:44.060
into that light and go after somebody like that.

00:25:44.090 --> 00:25:49.560
I know in a lot of cases once one person comes forward, more people generally come forward.

00:25:49.931 --> 00:25:58.560
it's almost like a domino effect, unfortunately, that this perpetrator has, assaulted so many people, but people are so afraid.

00:25:58.590 --> 00:26:00.683
So there can be, Empowerment in that.

00:26:00.683 --> 00:26:07.163
But if it's not something that you can walk on your journey and you can't mentally handle, that's also okay.

00:26:07.344 --> 00:26:12.763
And Jess, is it common for survivors to experience a lot of triggers like we were talking about earlier?

00:26:13.121 --> 00:26:13.340
It

00:26:13.361 --> 00:26:13.820
is.

00:26:13.864 --> 00:26:17.508
we don't always know, unfortunately what some of the triggers are.

00:26:17.806 --> 00:26:20.786
I always joke that they don't come out in the right place.

00:26:20.945 --> 00:26:24.409
They're never the right time you're in the middle of a store and something happens.

00:26:24.738 --> 00:26:32.738
you just want to be aware of it and what these reminders are or that if you're aware of what they are, you can help protect yourself as best

00:26:32.738 --> 00:26:33.008
you can.

00:26:33.317 --> 00:26:36.018
And tell other people too, that are around you.

00:26:36.048 --> 00:26:42.993
So they know maybe it's not being out past a certain time or not being touched a certain way or not being in a small space.

00:26:43.090 --> 00:26:45.280
once you understand what those are.

00:26:45.748 --> 00:26:50.740
localizing those and understanding them for yourself and helping others understand them as well.

00:26:51.260 --> 00:26:59.810
So when you're coping with the effects of sexual assault, there's so many things that you need to look at when approaching this.

00:27:00.330 --> 00:27:05.131
Both your physical and emotional well being and addressing the trauma.

00:27:05.411 --> 00:27:20.030
So really what's important is seeking therapy, specifically trauma focused therapy, which can be either CBT, which is cognitive behavioral therapy, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, which is also known as EMDR.

00:27:21.290 --> 00:27:27.471
These things can really help survivors process their experience and develop strong coping strategies.

00:27:27.782 --> 00:27:30.669
I want to go back I was talking about my friend with the coach.

00:27:31.128 --> 00:27:38.945
They had said there was over 12 women that had come forward that he had sexually assaulted over a 30 year period.

00:27:39.576 --> 00:27:52.651
And those are just the ones that came forward and testified about it because he ended up going in jail and he'll never get out, but having to go through that and 30 years, how did he get away with that for 30 years?

00:27:52.750 --> 00:27:53.540
30

00:27:53.621 --> 00:27:58.141
years that nobody because he was somebody that was in a trusted position.

00:27:58.191 --> 00:28:03.830
Yeah, and he took advantage of vulnerable girls, young women.

00:28:03.911 --> 00:28:05.290
Yeah, young girls,

00:28:05.290 --> 00:28:05.891
girls.

00:28:05.931 --> 00:28:08.770
Yeah, these are young girls that became women.

00:28:08.961 --> 00:28:13.971
By them talking about it, they stopped it from continuing.

00:28:13.980 --> 00:28:17.768
Right, they stopped other girls from being sexually assaulted.

00:28:17.788 --> 00:28:35.135
And so that's why I feel though it's hard for a lot of women to take legal action, that it can be so powerful because if you think of it, that you are protecting other vulnerable children, girls, or women from being hurt in the way that you were hurt, That's empowering right there.

00:28:35.298 --> 00:28:44.222
That's a huge part I feel of taking back your power and taking back your voice and taking back your autonomy over the situation that has happened.

00:28:44.588 --> 00:28:46.278
one of the things we haven't talked about yet.

00:28:46.288 --> 00:28:48.888
Now, before we wrap up, I do want to talk about real quick.

00:28:49.259 --> 00:28:53.324
There are signs to look for things to notice.

00:28:53.560 --> 00:28:55.471
As therapists, we recognize it.

00:28:56.010 --> 00:29:02.230
A lot of women who have been, and men who have been assaulted, sexually assaulted young, they tend to be more promiscuous.

00:29:02.500 --> 00:29:02.901
Yeah.

00:29:03.101 --> 00:29:08.871
They tend to seek out that behavior because it was, yes, it was learned.

00:29:09.500 --> 00:29:16.691
What are some signs that you can look for if you are worried that somebody is being sexually abused or has been sexually assaulted?

00:29:17.141 --> 00:29:38.381
These all vary based upon age, but some of the things that we see or we were trained to look for nightmares, young kids, even women will have nightmares obviously difficulty walking if, if they're young and they're not talking or they're not sharing it with you, drug urination.

00:29:38.381 --> 00:29:45.453
That's always a sign doctors are trained to look for a young child has painful urination or issues with urinating.

00:29:45.740 --> 00:29:48.188
STDs obviously are a sign.

00:29:48.458 --> 00:29:49.577
Anxiety.

00:29:49.597 --> 00:29:49.978
Right.

00:29:50.008 --> 00:29:55.327
Sudden changes in behavior, whether that's younger or older, like you're all of a sudden like this doesn't make sense.

00:29:55.357 --> 00:30:01.588
or they are fearful of being around a person or, or unexplained fears, out of nowhere.

00:30:01.598 --> 00:30:04.159
Like, you were never afraid of this before.

00:30:04.159 --> 00:30:05.259
Like, where is this?

00:30:05.259 --> 00:30:06.499
so where's it coming from?

00:30:06.499 --> 00:30:07.318
Yeah.

00:30:08.038 --> 00:30:15.019
Oh, another one for younger kids is using inappropriate sexual behavior is another one, Acting out or

00:30:15.409 --> 00:30:19.409
sex play maybe with their own friends or toys or pets.

00:30:19.429 --> 00:30:21.189
And you're like, I don't know how to deal with this.

00:30:21.199 --> 00:30:27.739
Sometimes that's natural at a certain age, but if it's It's very persistent and you're like, where is this coming from?

00:30:28.318 --> 00:30:33.722
Self mutilation, self harm maybe drawings of sexual situations.

00:30:33.762 --> 00:30:34.242
Becoming

00:30:34.242 --> 00:30:34.833
secretive.

00:30:34.883 --> 00:30:35.292
Yeah.

00:30:35.333 --> 00:30:39.192
That's another one, starting to withdraw, become secretive of what they're doing.

00:30:39.982 --> 00:30:43.113
Trouble sleeping, stomach aches, maybe bedwetting.

00:30:43.163 --> 00:30:43.863
All of a sudden their

00:30:43.913 --> 00:30:47.133
grades, if they're in school, their grades are dropping.

00:30:47.153 --> 00:30:48.633
It's always like, what's changed?

00:30:49.093 --> 00:30:51.405
Anytime something changes.

00:30:52.246 --> 00:30:56.875
It's always going it's good to look at what's changed and why if

00:30:57.135 --> 00:30:59.365
something where is the source coming from it?

00:30:59.489 --> 00:31:00.348
could be hormonal.

00:31:00.348 --> 00:31:01.239
It could be growth.

00:31:01.528 --> 00:31:13.127
It could be something as horrible as sexual assault it's our duty as caretakers whether that's a teacher, a counselor a friend, a parent To look for these signs.

00:31:13.188 --> 00:31:13.337
Yeah.

00:31:13.397 --> 00:31:14.208
What happened?

00:31:14.208 --> 00:31:14.837
What changed?

00:31:14.887 --> 00:31:16.327
I know this has been a rough one.

00:31:16.327 --> 00:31:20.077
I just, I really wanted to put that out there so parents be like, okay, what do I look for?

00:31:20.107 --> 00:31:20.528
Right.

00:31:20.978 --> 00:31:24.367
It doesn't mean'cause grades fall, they're immediately, well go to this.

00:31:24.367 --> 00:31:26.948
It just means to, Hey, let's check out what's going on.

00:31:26.948 --> 00:31:27.038
Mm-Hmm.

00:31:27.278 --> 00:31:28.448
something has changed.

00:31:28.538 --> 00:31:28.897
So,

00:31:29.137 --> 00:31:33.038
and we just want people to know that you are not alone and there is.

00:31:33.064 --> 00:31:39.101
Support and that people have walked through this before and have come out on the other side.

00:31:39.401 --> 00:31:39.671
Yeah.

00:31:39.671 --> 00:31:50.463
And really by you being compassionate and understanding of other people, it's going to make a difference because you are going to make a positive impact those

00:31:50.463 --> 00:31:51.144
around you.

00:31:51.344 --> 00:31:51.693
Right.

00:31:51.753 --> 00:32:03.673
And together we can break this stigma around sexual assault and really build a community and a culture of unwavering support and empathy and help those on their healing journey.

00:32:03.961 --> 00:32:04.931
Thanks for listening.

00:32:04.941 --> 00:32:09.310
I know this was tough, I really wish this was not a thing that we ever had to talk about.

00:32:09.570 --> 00:32:09.891
Yeah.