Nov. 20, 2024

Gratitude is not just a simple thank-you

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Season 3

Ever wondered what lies at the heart of true gratitude and how it can transform your path to mental wellness? In this riveting episode of Women's Mental Health Podcast, we unravel the layers of "What Gratitude Really Is," Join empathic warriors, Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, as they shed light on gratitude practices for women, the science of gratitude for her, and how incorporating daily gratitude can be the cornerstone of self-care and mental resilience. Whether you're juggling motherhood, career, or the quest for personal balance, this episode promises to be a beacon of hope, empowering you to cultivate a mindset steeped in genuine thankfulness and robust emotional health. 

Gratitude is not just a simple thank-you; it's a transformative force capable of reshaping our experiences and deepening our connections with ourselves and the world around us. If you're eager to delve into what gratitude really is, and how this powerful sentiment can play a pivotal role in your emotional toolkit, you've come to the right place. Here at the Women's Mental Health Podcast, we explore a range of mental health gratitude techniques, weaving stories of women finding joy in gratitude and showcasing how these practices can be a form of profound self-love. Whether you are navigating the complexities of motherhood and seeking daily gratitude or you are on a quest for female empowerment through gratitude, we provide accessible resources and actionable insights. Each episode is designed to help you integrate genuine gratitude into your life, transforming challenges into opportunities for growth and healing. 

As we move forward with our shared journey on the Women's Mental Health Podcast, we'll be diving deeper into the heart of what makes us thrive, not just survive. We’re unearthing the beauty of genuine gratitude in womanhood, learning how this simple yet profound principle can be the catalyst for astonishing transformation.  The practice of gratitude holds keys to not only female empowerment but also to rediscovering joy and a rich sense of self-love.

#ProtectYourPeaceNow #EmotionalWellnessMatters #FindYourInnerCalm #PrioritizeYourMentalHealth #HealthyBoundariesHappierLife #StressManagementStrategies #AnxietyReliefTips #ResilienceBuildingJourney #MindfulnessMatters #SelfCareEmpowerment #gratitude

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.


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If this episode resonated with you, we warmly welcome you to explore more empowering conversations on the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Each episode is designed to connect, educate, and uplift our strong and resilient listeners, just like you.

Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.

#Empowerment, #MentalHealth, #BreakTheStigma

Transcript
WEBVTT

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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.

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I'm randy.

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I'm And I'm Jess.

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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.

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In this episode, we're gonna talk about what it means to be grateful as we move forward into November where we're constantly told we should be grateful and focus on being grateful.

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We're gonna explore why gratitude can be hard, why it feels forced, and what you can do to be grateful and not compare yourself to others.

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So find us in more information.

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on womensmentalhealthpodcast.

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com.

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Have you ever had

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these thoughts

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You are so lucky.

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Wow, things seem to work out so easy

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for you.

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Well, somebody else has it worse.

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At least that's not.

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At least you have your job.

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This is toxic, positivity and high alert.

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We did that episode a couple of months ago.

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Mm-hmm.

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right?

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Toxic.

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Yeah.

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We have a episode that you can listen to called Toxic Positivity.

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Why are we focusing on gratitude then for this episode?

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Well because in November, it's all about the holidays and families and it's a national gratitude month and it's pushes us and encourages us to embrace the power of gratitude.

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But with that can also come with a lot of negativity with the

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positivity.

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So when we focus on gratitude, a lot of us will say, they connect to being thankful.

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Mm-hmm.

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Because Thanksgiving, and we should all be thankful and go around the table and say what we're thankful for, but the difference is that thankfulness is a reaction.

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Whereas gratitude is a chosen state of being.

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So again, thankfulness is the reaction.

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Mm-hmm.

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gratitude is the state.

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So that's the difference between them.

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You

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hand me a present mm-hmm.

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and I'm like, Oh wow.

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Thank you.

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It's a reaction.

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Yeah.

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But whereas gratitude is being able to say that action, I am appreciative of this.

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Yeah.

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I'm grateful for this.

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it is an action

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of it.

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Or showing how you are thankful for that gift.

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Cuz you're not always gonna be grateful for everything you get.

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No.

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It might be something that you hate

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so you wouldn't be there.

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You're like, Oh wow.

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Yeah.

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Thank you.

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Yo, I guess we should say, what are the benefits of the gratitude practice?

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Why do we wanna be grateful for things?

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So there are a lot of studies that show that being grateful and focusing on gratitude can help improve your sleep quality improve how you regulate your emotions, increase feelings of happiness.

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Overall mood.

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Ooh.

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Is it

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that serotonin stuff?

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Yeah.

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It's increasing your serotonin.

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Yeah.

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Hashtag.

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I don't have enough hair serotonin for this shit.

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Just like our sweatshirts we have, It helps you feel like hopeful for the future.

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Mm.

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Okay.

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And it can reduce your burnout rate, things with ptsd, posttraumatic stress disorder, and overall stress.

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So really what I'm hearing, it's a form of appreciation, Whether being thankful for a specific situation or a wider life perspective.

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It's

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the belief that you can connect to your feelings of appreciation and gratitude and that with that, you may feel happier and more satisfied that you're like connecting those things together.

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What I'm also hearing is that we're gonna be comparing, our own situations to others, whereas we know with social media that that's really harmful.

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Yes.

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So that's where this is like a gray area and a slippery slope that you can slide down into with feeling grateful.

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But then you're like, Wait, so and so is doing this or got this.

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I am thankful for this, but maybe I would be like, Thankful or have more gratitude if, I had this and like we tend to think that way.

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I would say especially as women, we can tend to spin our thoughts or

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compare ourselves to people that we think are doing better than us.

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When really, as we know as social media, that's all they show.

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So we don't know their

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situation exactly.

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It could be like they're in a dark, deep depressive hole, but they're posting a really shiny picture.

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And then we're comparing that.

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But like we don't really know the reality.

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It's very harmful because it doesn't justify where we are.

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Mm-hmm.

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And that's the other thing about being false gratefulness or gratitude, is that sometimes it's a sucky day and that's all it is.

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Right?

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And it's feel like there's nothing to be grateful for, you might wanna burn your gratitude journal that day.

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And that's okay to feel that way.

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And that's what we reference too in our toxic positivity episode, is that you don't have to be happy and shiny and grateful 24 7.

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Just because you're off one day is not the end of the world.

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Absolutely.

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Let's go back to, There's a theory called social comparison theory, right?

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Mm-hmm.

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started back in the fifties by this guy, Leon Festinger, and this theory says that people constantly evaluate themselves and others in areas like whether they're attractive, if they have enough money, if they're smart or successful.

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They're showing that at least 10% of our thoughts throughout the day are in some way, shape, or form.

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Comparing something whether, like you said, that's like beauty, finances, our education, You know what we deem successful.

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We are cycling those thoughts throughout our day, at least 10%.

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That's a lot of time to be comparing ourselves.

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I would say that when you

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think about that,

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yeah, 10% of the day that we are awake, if we're comparing ourselves, I could be doing other stuff.

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Yeah.

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So why are you doing that?

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it's toxic.

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Well, it's, it's probably learned.

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We figure out how we stack up against others, and that is how we figure out whether or not we've made it right?

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Mm-hmm.

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or at least that's what we've been

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told.

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And so research is showing people who regularly compare themselves to.

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They can find some motivation to improve, but that can also pair with this, almost like obsession to improve things and then you can start feeling like dissatisfaction with where you're at with that guilt remorse or start like with the obsessiveness.

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And worry about it.

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An eating disorder could pop up.

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Yeah.

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Or like you start lying to yourself or other people like, Yeah, things are great.

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This is going and you're like, world is falling apart.

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Cuz you wanna feel like you're at a certain level, you're doing more harm than good at times.

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It's hard

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to say that you're having a bad day.

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It's hard to say that.

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Feel.

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See here I go, You don't feel as good as the person next to you.

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Mm-hmm.

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How do you know how they feel?

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Cuz you're comparing what they look like.

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You're comparing what you look like.

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So basically this dude back in the fifties already knew social media was gonna

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screw us up and Well, it's always been that way.

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Any type of media, thinking back the early twenties and stuff when they started using like propaganda and things like that.

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Mm-hmm.

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like you're a housewife or you're this, or like you should buy.

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All comes back to advertising.

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Advertising.

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The evil.

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The evil.

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Let's call it what it is.

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It is all propaganda.

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Started with the war.

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They moved it into like home shopping goods and we're here today

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Next thing we have to have that ice maker.

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Yes.

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But we

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do Nugget, but we do Ice Maker is life changing.

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Just side note it'll be here in a couple days.

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Thank you.

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You're welcome.

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You're welcome.

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Done.

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Okay.

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So Theodore Roosevelt called Comparison, the thief of Joy

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and I.

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all the time because it is very true.

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And when we were discussing this episode and researching it thought back to even in one of the 10 commandments.

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It's been of course, twisted and that differently, but it's no shocker.

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But it's thou shall not covet they neighbor, things like that.

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You're not supposed to watch that.

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Was

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that neighbor's?

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Yeah, but Oh, okay.

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Okay.

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Wife nugget, ice maker, whatever it is.

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Like you're coveting.

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I'm just

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good ice maker now.

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Come on.

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There's the reason it's

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number one, it has changed my life.

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It brings me a lot of gratitude,

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Oh.

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But yeah, so I'm just saying, throughout history they have said like, when you compare.

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yourself.

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You're not gonna feel a hundred percent.

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That is

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one of the things I see in my practice all the time, is that women are always comparing themselves to other women.

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Mm-hmm.

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we talk about we don't really dress for men.

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Let's be real.

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We dress up for other women.

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Yeah.

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We want our friends to be like, You look cute.

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Like you dress up to you today.

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I was like, Damn, you look good girl.

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Thank you by the way, you.

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But we don't, we don't dress up for other, other, like the opposite sex or, whoever we're attracted to.

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It's not necessarily the opposite sex.

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Yeah.

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But we dress up for other women.

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We dress up for our friends.

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We dress up not just for us.

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Sometimes it's because we don't wanna be

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judged.

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Yeah, that's true.

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And, and my other company where I do social media and stuff, I am very transparent about showing like when I'm wearing like a cute outfit and stuff, that I'm also a hot mess the other 50% of the time, and wearing, pajamas to work from home.

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Because in social media it can feel like constantly comparing you have your shit together because you're wearing like a cute outfit and I'm.

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I try to be like very real and upfront with my followers that that's not true.

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and I

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was just showing this morning or yesterday that for me in my office, you see this nice picture.

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It's nice and clean.

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Mm-hmm.

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everything is organized behind me.

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Yeah.

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And then if you pan to the right where the screen doesn't show, all of my prime boxes have come in all of my, She has a lot of prime

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boxes.

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All my art supplies are there.

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Yeah.

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And it's just a hot mess right now.

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Yeah.

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And so I was showing somebody yesterday, I was like, All right, hang on, hang on.

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And I panned, I, I moved to my monitor over.

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Yeah.

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And she.

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Oh, that makes me feel better.

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And I was like, Oh good.

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Yeah, and I think that that's, that is so important when learning to practice, like gratitude and things like that, that we.

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In that moment do not compare to other people.

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And more importantly understand they are probably struggling too.

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Mm-hmm.

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they probably have dishes in the sink too.

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They probably have washed that load of laundry five times too.

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What?

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No.

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Or it's already smelly and mildewey in there, so just speaking from experience.

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But yeah, and having more.

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Kindness to ourselves and other people too.

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Like not thinking like she has her shit together because she has those awesome boots on.

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No actually she only slept two hours last night, aka me, but she still has,

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Really good boots on.

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Sometimes it's so difficult to show or be or say gratitude and there's reasons why.

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And the main one I'm gonna go through is, We often overlook these red flags in relationships, right?

00:11:00.130 --> 00:11:00.311
Mm-hmm.

00:11:00.581 --> 00:11:03.071
like we're, we're being so grateful for

00:11:03.071 --> 00:11:06.850
whatever that we're, that we're in a relationship or we're not alone.

00:11:06.850 --> 00:11:07.811
Oh, oh, yes.

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Oh, I'm not alone.

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It could be worse.

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Like we talked about that too.

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It's like the emotional abuse.

00:11:13.005 --> 00:11:13.990
Like it could be worse.

00:11:13.990 --> 00:11:15.071
Well, it could be a lot better.

00:11:15.160 --> 00:11:20.921
These things like feeling grateful or like trying to like downplay why you should be grateful.

00:11:20.980 --> 00:11:23.530
Make a true practice of gratitude.

00:11:24.265 --> 00:11:29.936
And it also goes through and like forces us to appreciate things that don't serve us anymore, right?

00:11:29.995 --> 00:11:30.115
Mm-hmm.

00:11:30.446 --> 00:11:34.556
I was also telling this story about I've been carrying around these genes going, I'm gonna lose weight.

00:11:34.556 --> 00:11:35.696
I'm gonna get back in these genes.

00:11:35.696 --> 00:11:36.596
I'm gonna lose weight.

00:11:36.596 --> 00:11:37.706
I'm gonna get back on these genes.

00:11:37.735 --> 00:11:39.235
Meanwhile, I've had a kid.

00:11:39.410 --> 00:11:42.770
Married, I've now lost 85 pounds, right?

00:11:42.921 --> 00:11:58.910
These jeans, one, they didn't fit my body anymore because my body had changed from said kid and two, all of a sudden I've lost weight to the point where they, they're too big So I've wasted how many moving trucks moving these, the.

00:11:59.735 --> 00:12:01.686
The space, The emotional baggage.

00:12:01.686 --> 00:12:02.346
Literally.

00:12:02.495 --> 00:12:02.826
Yeah.

00:12:02.826 --> 00:12:06.096
Of these genes that no longer

00:12:06.666 --> 00:12:06.905
served me.

00:12:07.145 --> 00:12:09.995
They didn't serve a purpose for the last 15 years either.

00:12:09.995 --> 00:12:12.576
And they're not gonna serve a purpose in the future.

00:12:12.576 --> 00:12:17.166
And but thinking about that too, like how much emotional shit do we carry like

00:12:17.166 --> 00:12:18.816
that with us in that pair of jeans?

00:12:18.865 --> 00:12:20.311
And they're still in my closet.

00:12:20.461 --> 00:12:22.221
I'm like, Cause you physically have it too.

00:12:22.230 --> 00:12:22.951
Yes.

00:12:23.250 --> 00:12:26.260
And I'm going, it was the one day and I.

00:12:26.730 --> 00:12:28.201
I still have'em in the closet.

00:12:28.410 --> 00:12:29.130
I've gotta get rid of'em.

00:12:29.135 --> 00:12:29.221
So

00:12:29.221 --> 00:12:31.020
listen, this, this attaches to that.

00:12:31.081 --> 00:12:41.971
Instead of finding the perfect pair of jeans during that moment that fit your body and made you feel like a badass, that you felt hot, sexy, confident, or whatever in Yeah.

00:12:42.150 --> 00:12:45.091
You were thinking about one day I'm gonna fit into those jeans.

00:12:45.451 --> 00:12:47.791
Do you see how that counteracted that?

00:12:47.850 --> 00:12:47.971
Mm-hmm.

00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:51.270
So that's why gratitude can be so freaking hard.

00:12:52.081 --> 00:12:55.740
Cause I was like, I can't wait and I'll be so grateful when I can fit into these jeans again.

00:12:55.770 --> 00:12:56.280
Well, guess what?

00:12:56.280 --> 00:12:58.740
Now they're too big and they're not even comfy.

00:12:59.100 --> 00:12:59.640
I don't even know

00:12:59.640 --> 00:13:03.120
what, And they're probably like, not even like the style like you would wear anymore, right?

00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:04.530
And you're like, Why do I still

00:13:04.535 --> 00:13:08.490
have Well, the reality is the kids are all wearing the style again.

00:13:08.495 --> 00:13:08.721
Oh,

00:13:08.725 --> 00:13:08.730
well.

00:13:08.730 --> 00:13:09.541
So that's true.

00:13:09.546 --> 00:13:10.650
Stuff does cycle back.

00:13:10.650 --> 00:13:11.671
But don't hold onto that.

00:13:11.671 --> 00:13:11.941
Let it

00:13:11.941 --> 00:13:12.931
go right?

00:13:13.110 --> 00:13:13.831
Oh, they're gonna go.

00:13:14.331 --> 00:13:19.130
Another thing is that can gloss over things that need our attention.

00:13:19.191 --> 00:13:19.370
Mm-hmm.

00:13:19.640 --> 00:13:20.030
right?

00:13:20.030 --> 00:13:24.341
Cause we're being so grateful for, trying to, to be so grateful.

00:13:24.760 --> 00:13:24.791
Mm.

00:13:24.791 --> 00:13:29.110
That we're not paying attention to the things that are like, Hey, hey, I need you.

00:13:29.140 --> 00:13:30.061
Hey, I, I

00:13:30.066 --> 00:13:30.610
need this.

00:13:30.640 --> 00:13:30.821
Yeah.

00:13:30.821 --> 00:13:31.620
We're not actually.

00:13:31.885 --> 00:13:37.255
Focusing on the moment that deserve true gratification and gratefulness.

00:13:37.255 --> 00:13:43.395
We're not pausing to respect those things that are actually like bringing us joy and

00:13:43.395 --> 00:13:43.966
peace.

00:13:43.995 --> 00:13:44.025
Mm.

00:13:44.475 --> 00:13:45.645
Being in the moment.

00:13:45.645 --> 00:13:45.735
Mm-hmm.

00:13:45.975 --> 00:13:48.135
I was just talking about that this morning on Instagram.

00:13:48.140 --> 00:13:48.885
That's so funny.

00:13:48.956 --> 00:13:49.446
Yeah.

00:13:49.875 --> 00:13:54.826
So it goes back to that toxic positivity or what we call false gratitude, right?

00:13:54.826 --> 00:13:54.885
Yeah.

00:13:54.885 --> 00:13:57.166
Creates, insecurity because it's not

00:13:57.166 --> 00:13:58.096
authentic.

00:13:58.245 --> 00:13:58.666
Nope.

00:13:58.995 --> 00:14:00.015
Not authentic.

00:14:00.046 --> 00:14:01.816
Oh, I have, Oh, such Mm

00:14:01.936 --> 00:14:03.676
mm And we're very authentic here.

00:14:03.681 --> 00:14:04.275
You guys know

00:14:04.850 --> 00:14:05.206
right?

00:14:05.836 --> 00:14:10.905
And it's also sometimes when we have false gratitude, it, it's also because we're being forced.

00:14:11.196 --> 00:14:12.875
It's like the expectation.

00:14:12.995 --> 00:14:13.326
Mm.

00:14:13.355 --> 00:14:14.466
When someone gives you a

00:14:14.466 --> 00:14:15.096
gift.

00:14:15.365 --> 00:14:15.635
Yeah.

00:14:15.635 --> 00:14:21.076
Like we were talking, like they're expecting a response from you and you're trying to give the expected response.

00:14:21.306 --> 00:14:27.456
I don't like to open gifts in front of people because I don't wanna feel like I'm having to meet their expectations.

00:14:27.461 --> 00:14:27.796
Mm-hmm.

00:14:28.086 --> 00:14:38.000
I wanna process it and then be like, And for me too, I need time to think and process things and then I want to be like, Oh my God, like this was really like so thoughtful.

00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:38.961
Thank you for this.

00:14:38.961 --> 00:14:40.760
This is the reason I enjoy this.

00:14:40.760 --> 00:14:43.250
Like I appreciate this so much.

00:14:43.250 --> 00:14:45.721
Instead of just this fake Oh my God, thank you so

00:14:45.721 --> 00:14:45.880
much.

00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:50.350
I have a friend every time she does that, Oh my God, thank you so much.

00:14:50.350 --> 00:14:51.461
And she's super excited.

00:14:51.461 --> 00:14:52.240
She doesn't like it.

00:14:52.541 --> 00:14:52.721
And

00:14:52.721 --> 00:14:54.191
then that's me, right?

00:14:55.211 --> 00:15:02.811
And then when she goes through and she's, really quiet and you think she doesn't like it, that's when she's Oh yes, it really touched her.

00:15:02.870 --> 00:15:04.650
So I'm always like you didn't like it?

00:15:04.681 --> 00:15:05.461
Oh, you liked it?

00:15:05.490 --> 00:15:05.941
Oh no.

00:15:05.941 --> 00:15:07.980
It's totally opposite of whatever she is.

00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:11.591
Yeah, I'm that way too cuz I'll be like almost shocked, when I get.

00:15:12.395 --> 00:15:18.806
I gift gifts are my love language and I like giving gifts too.

00:15:18.816 --> 00:15:20.076
And you're a good gift giver.

00:15:20.081 --> 00:15:20.135
Yeah.

00:15:20.166 --> 00:15:20.285
You're

00:15:20.466 --> 00:15:21.096
really good at it.

00:15:21.316 --> 00:15:24.725
I'm like, I'm like really thoughtful when I actually spend time doing it.

00:15:24.905 --> 00:15:25.176
And I'm

00:15:25.176 --> 00:15:25.865
always terrified.

00:15:25.865 --> 00:15:27.905
I'm always like, Please don't let me pull Randy on this thing.

00:15:27.936 --> 00:15:35.005
Please don't let me pull Randy gift because I, she is so good at it and it would just cause me so much anxiety, cuz I'm not as good.

00:15:35.275 --> 00:15:40.505
And I think that's why people don't like giving me gifts because, because I'm like good at it.

00:15:40.505 --> 00:15:45.216
And like I will spend literally like hours, like trying to find like the perfect gift for somebody.

00:15:45.395 --> 00:15:48.035
But then sometimes I'm like, it stresses me out and I'm just like, Forget it.

00:15:48.035 --> 00:15:49.176
This is what you're getting.

00:15:50.765 --> 00:15:51.426
But yeah.

00:15:51.426 --> 00:15:56.015
So it can take away from that when it's not your gratitude.

00:15:56.990 --> 00:15:58.280
Genuine and harmful.

00:15:58.280 --> 00:16:02.510
And you can see how that can like kind of like hurt, like friendships and relationships too if you're Well

00:16:02.510 --> 00:16:03.380
cause it feels demanded.

00:16:03.510 --> 00:16:06.020
It feels like someone is saying you must be

00:16:06.020 --> 00:16:06.650
grateful.

00:16:06.681 --> 00:16:06.951
Yeah.

00:16:06.980 --> 00:16:14.390
So like even I don't let my kids at birthday parties and stuff like open up presents cuz I don't want them to feel like forced to give like a reaction.

00:16:14.571 --> 00:16:15.441
We can do this later.

00:16:15.441 --> 00:16:18.201
You can process it and then you can thank everybody at a different time.

00:16:18.380 --> 00:16:18.591
That

00:16:18.591 --> 00:16:20.870
reminds me, it's like when this is old school.

00:16:20.870 --> 00:16:25.610
I know, but when people expect a thank you card for a gift they gave you.

00:16:25.701 --> 00:16:26.900
Sorry, I don't do that.

00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:27.951
Oh, I don't either.

00:16:28.010 --> 00:16:28.581
I quit it.

00:16:28.581 --> 00:16:30.201
You know what I found the other day?

00:16:31.071 --> 00:16:34.530
30 gift thank you notes for a baby shower.

00:16:34.530 --> 00:16:39.551
Gifts I had received seven years ago that I never mailed out, and I don't feel guilty about it.

00:16:40.721 --> 00:16:40.931
No.

00:16:41.230 --> 00:16:42.350
And I don't.

00:16:42.855 --> 00:16:44.056
I don't do thank you notes.

00:16:44.086 --> 00:16:49.365
Cuz if you are expecting a thank you note for a gift you give, then it's not truly a gift.

00:16:49.395 --> 00:16:51.505
It it comes with an expectation.

00:16:51.596 --> 00:16:51.745
Yeah.

00:16:51.745 --> 00:16:55.135
And this is all these cycling things that we start seeing these connections.

00:16:55.135 --> 00:17:05.195
If you guys have listened to our past episodes and stuff about this and how all this stuff can be intertwined with like the gas lighting and like expectations of women and like

00:17:05.205 --> 00:17:08.796
anxiety, it's so anxiety provoking, right?

00:17:08.836 --> 00:17:09.286
Because then.

00:17:10.191 --> 00:17:13.611
I have to tell them what I'm gonna do with this gift besides give it away.

00:17:13.611 --> 00:17:17.300
And then they're gonna get mad because they wanna know where this gift is in six months.

00:17:17.330 --> 00:17:17.540
I know,

00:17:17.540 --> 00:17:26.601
like I'll read like weird things, like people like comment like, Oh my God, like I have to take this statue out that my mother-in-law gave me like 10 years ago and I hate it.

00:17:26.601 --> 00:17:27.891
And it, it's so gross.

00:17:27.895 --> 00:17:33.885
But it like, if I don't have it out, like she's gonna be like, so in, I'm like, That's about her, not you.

00:17:34.175 --> 00:17:34.526
Me.

00:17:34.526 --> 00:17:35.296
It's not a gift.

00:17:35.326 --> 00:17:36.405
It's not a gift.

00:17:36.405 --> 00:17:50.361
Like I see so many things in like mom's groups and stuff of like women talking about that stuff or like how their, in-laws or even their own, parents expect their kids to play with certain toys or do certain things or wear certain clothes.

00:17:50.361 --> 00:17:51.141
They bought them.

00:17:51.171 --> 00:17:52.941
No, you do not own.

00:17:53.746 --> 00:17:54.195
Shit.

00:17:54.226 --> 00:17:56.746
You do not owe anybody shit.

00:17:56.895 --> 00:17:57.195
Ooh,

00:17:57.195 --> 00:17:58.455
did we strike a nerve there?

00:17:58.516 --> 00:17:58.935
Yeah.

00:17:59.246 --> 00:17:59.645
Wow.

00:18:00.105 --> 00:18:00.375
Check out.

00:18:00.486 --> 00:18:04.726
Don't, with my family, I'm not, I'm not a people pleaser in that way.

00:18:04.816 --> 00:18:07.605
I would never, But I see so many women do it.

00:18:07.605 --> 00:18:09.195
Like it makes me cringe.

00:18:09.195 --> 00:18:10.036
Cause I feel like.

00:18:10.496 --> 00:18:14.846
You're like shrinking yourself and almost like bowing down in front of another person.

00:18:14.996 --> 00:18:18.986
And then honestly, it's like when you fake an orgasm, then they're gonna keep doing the same thing.

00:18:19.016 --> 00:18:19.195
Why?

00:18:19.195 --> 00:18:22.556
And then you're never gonna have a real orgasm because they think they're doing it right.

00:18:22.586 --> 00:18:22.796
No,

00:18:22.796 --> 00:18:23.486
teach them.

00:18:23.546 --> 00:18:25.766
Teach them what you want and what you need.

00:18:25.766 --> 00:18:26.516
Communicate.

00:18:26.726 --> 00:18:30.415
That's why I send out a gift list of what my kids actually, Oh, I gonna talk about orgasms.

00:18:30.476 --> 00:18:30.685
Okay.

00:18:30.685 --> 00:18:31.016
Go ahead.

00:18:32.395 --> 00:18:37.455
She's I found out again, she's documentary about where to No, I am very much No, don't do that.

00:18:37.605 --> 00:18:38.445
Do this.

00:18:38.576 --> 00:18:41.066
Feel like a lot of women are like, fear, fearful.

00:18:41.066 --> 00:18:41.395
Why?

00:18:41.395 --> 00:18:44.155
You're gonna have better sex, you're gonna have a better relationship.

00:18:44.155 --> 00:18:45.715
Tell him don't touch that area.

00:18:45.715 --> 00:18:49.226
Touch this area, Get up in there, curve that, move this way.

00:18:49.256 --> 00:18:50.306
No, I don't like that.

00:18:50.306 --> 00:18:51.296
Yes, I like that.

00:18:51.326 --> 00:18:51.715
Do that.

00:18:51.715 --> 00:18:53.665
Again, I am very vocal at that.

00:18:53.715 --> 00:18:56.536
I don't wanna, I'm not wasting my time.

00:18:56.596 --> 00:18:57.435
You're killing me over here.

00:18:57.556 --> 00:18:58.546
You are killing me over.

00:18:58.546 --> 00:18:59.536
But anyway, same thing.

00:18:59.536 --> 00:19:01.125
You can apply orgasm or gift.

00:19:01.405 --> 00:19:03.205
Make that Amazon wish list.

00:19:03.296 --> 00:19:04.826
Send it out for your kids.

00:19:04.826 --> 00:19:05.215
You.

00:19:05.215 --> 00:19:08.955
I made my husband a better gift giver by being very specific.

00:19:08.996 --> 00:19:09.865
This is what I want.

00:19:09.865 --> 00:19:10.915
You can choose from it.

00:19:11.631 --> 00:19:12.830
Okay, now I'm happy.

00:19:12.980 --> 00:19:13.911
He's happy.

00:19:14.211 --> 00:19:18.770
And now my friends are always like, how he gives you the best present.

00:19:18.800 --> 00:19:20.661
You're like, I picked those out.

00:19:20.721 --> 00:19:31.221
I, he now knows I've done it enough, like over the years, he can now pick out a gift on his own without referencing my Amazon wishlist.

00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:43.010
It takes a lot of training and it's taken a lot of communication and it's taken a lot of discussions about communication, discussions, training about this does not like gift giving is important to me.

00:19:43.010 --> 00:19:44.090
It's not to him.

00:19:44.090 --> 00:19:45.711
He doesn't care.

00:19:45.711 --> 00:19:45.770
Yeah.

00:19:46.040 --> 00:19:50.851
I love buying him gifts, but he doesn't really care, but I do, so I'm like, buy me a good gift.

00:19:50.851 --> 00:19:52.320
Or we're not friends anymore.

00:19:52.371 --> 00:19:52.671
Okay.

00:19:52.675 --> 00:19:53.661
Note taken.

00:19:53.661 --> 00:19:54.500
I need your list.

00:19:54.560 --> 00:19:54.891
No, No.

00:19:55.191 --> 00:19:55.520
Okay.

00:19:55.520 --> 00:19:56.990
So let's go back to being grateful.

00:19:57.020 --> 00:19:57.381
Yeah.

00:19:58.256 --> 00:20:03.205
How then do we actually practice gratitude and being grateful?

00:20:03.385 --> 00:20:03.715
Be

00:20:03.715 --> 00:20:04.375
real.

00:20:04.375 --> 00:20:04.405
Okay?

00:20:04.465 --> 00:20:06.685
Like authentic communicate.

00:20:06.986 --> 00:20:08.996
Don't fake it till you make it.

00:20:09.026 --> 00:20:10.226
Don't fake that orgasm.

00:20:10.230 --> 00:20:12.175
Don't fake your happiness about whatever it is.

00:20:12.175 --> 00:20:13.976
Whether that person's giving you time.

00:20:14.336 --> 00:20:16.286
Yes, space a gift.

00:20:16.290 --> 00:20:19.415
It doesn't apply, to physical things only.

00:20:19.625 --> 00:20:21.155
Thank you for giving me your time.

00:20:21.155 --> 00:20:21.425
Thank you.

00:20:21.455 --> 00:20:29.675
Like Jess and I were just talking earlier, like about, we were both trying to be like so hypersensitive to each other's, like times, time, and schedules,

00:20:29.836 --> 00:20:31.465
and I was like, I didn't wanna impose on your time.

00:20:31.526 --> 00:20:31.957
I know you're

00:20:31.961 --> 00:20:32.635
really busy.

00:20:32.695 --> 00:20:32.786
Yeah.

00:20:32.786 --> 00:20:35.965
And I was like, I know, I, I know Fridays are really hectic for you right now.

00:20:35.965 --> 00:20:37.346
And we were like both Oh my God.

00:20:37.346 --> 00:20:42.236
Like we were trying to be, but then we were like, Oh, that's so thankful, but we need to be a little bit harder with each other.

00:20:42.286 --> 00:20:43.246
No, we were being a little too.

00:20:43.621 --> 00:20:44.250
Focusing

00:20:44.250 --> 00:20:45.810
on like some, some of the small themes.

00:20:45.810 --> 00:20:45.901
Mm-hmm.

00:20:46.296 --> 00:20:48.455
Go small versus the big ones.

00:20:48.455 --> 00:20:50.195
We don't have to be authentic.

00:20:50.246 --> 00:20:51.746
This was a great day.

00:20:51.836 --> 00:20:52.195
Okay.

00:20:52.195 --> 00:20:53.546
Maybe the entire day didn't suck.

00:20:53.546 --> 00:20:54.655
Maybe it wasn't great.

00:20:54.715 --> 00:20:54.925
Yeah.

00:20:54.955 --> 00:21:00.685
But it's also being grateful that, you know what, I'm really grateful that we did get to do time to do this today.

00:21:00.685 --> 00:21:02.486
Cause I enjoy being able to do this.

00:21:02.516 --> 00:21:03.625
Yes, exactly.

00:21:03.625 --> 00:21:04.435
So I'm grateful.

00:21:04.435 --> 00:21:04.736
Hold on.

00:21:04.736 --> 00:21:05.455
My dog is snoring.

00:21:05.455 --> 00:21:06.865
If you guys can't hear that, Hold on.

00:21:06.865 --> 00:21:08.185
I gotta wake him up here.

00:21:08.185 --> 00:21:08.635
Hold on.

00:21:09.026 --> 00:21:09.385
All right.

00:21:09.391 --> 00:21:13.496
That is not Randy The other thing, Yes, I'm sorry.

00:21:13.556 --> 00:21:16.346
The other thing would be to validate.

00:21:16.375 --> 00:21:16.465
Mm-hmm.

00:21:16.705 --> 00:21:18.566
validation is such a huge thing.

00:21:18.566 --> 00:21:20.365
It's like validating your emotions.

00:21:20.516 --> 00:21:20.665
Yeah.

00:21:20.826 --> 00:21:22.445
Practicing validation.

00:21:22.500 --> 00:21:25.861
My huge thing is that it's not black and white.

00:21:25.865 --> 00:21:28.020
It can be an, and there's no.

00:21:28.086 --> 00:21:29.016
Or, mm-hmm.

00:21:29.346 --> 00:21:29.586
Yeah.

00:21:29.586 --> 00:21:31.865
You can feel gratitude and anger.

00:21:31.865 --> 00:21:34.355
You can feel gratitude and disappointment.

00:21:34.655 --> 00:21:42.401
You can feel, like you said, you could be maybe grateful for one side of the coin, but disappointed in the other, and that's okay.

00:21:42.401 --> 00:21:49.961
But like then you can be like, Okay, I know I'm disappointed with this, but I am grateful for this and that, like you said, comes.

00:21:50.461 --> 00:21:52.351
Authenticity and validation.

00:21:52.901 --> 00:21:58.830
Becoming comfortable with yourself and your emotions is really where this needs to stem from.

00:21:59.040 --> 00:22:01.861
Well, and understanding that your feelings are real.

00:22:02.010 --> 00:22:02.161
Mm-hmm.

00:22:02.461 --> 00:22:03.540
and to validate

00:22:03.540 --> 00:22:04.171
yourself.

00:22:04.230 --> 00:22:04.411
Yeah.

00:22:04.461 --> 00:22:05.931
And you're worthy.

00:22:05.931 --> 00:22:08.941
Like we say, every episode you are worthy, You.

00:22:09.580 --> 00:22:11.050
Are worthy of being upset.

00:22:11.171 --> 00:22:13.151
You're worthy of being grateful.

00:22:13.270 --> 00:22:13.510
You're

00:22:13.510 --> 00:22:17.830
worthy of those big feelings, and you don't have to hide your big feelings.

00:22:18.010 --> 00:22:19.510
I see that all the time, that

00:22:19.510 --> 00:22:20.530
women, you're okay with them.

00:22:20.590 --> 00:22:21.550
Talk about them.

00:22:21.601 --> 00:22:25.020
Validate them and stay away from comparisons.

00:22:25.111 --> 00:22:25.351
Mm-hmm.

00:22:25.681 --> 00:22:30.540
it just isn't a good thing to compare yourself to others because we don't know their whole

00:22:30.540 --> 00:22:31.050
story.

00:22:31.111 --> 00:22:31.260
Mm-hmm.

00:22:31.560 --> 00:22:35.191
and like I do, I do this with self still weekly.

00:22:35.905 --> 00:22:47.215
It's something I use with clients with C B T therapy, which is cognitive behavioral theory, and I literally imagine a big red stop sign in my head like, Stop thinking this way.

00:22:47.576 --> 00:22:51.955
And I will have to like pause and be like, Why am I thinking this way?

00:22:52.405 --> 00:22:54.046
Is this really the reality?

00:22:54.806 --> 00:22:56.336
What am I perceiving?

00:22:56.536 --> 00:22:58.096
And what is really happening.

00:22:58.165 --> 00:23:01.895
Have to have a little mini like powwow with myself in my

00:23:01.901 --> 00:23:02.185
head.

00:23:02.185 --> 00:23:03.895
Like I don't think she does it in her head though.

00:23:03.955 --> 00:23:05.996
I think she really has a powwow in the car.

00:23:06.415 --> 00:23:10.766
I think she's just had this conversation down the road and you think she's on the phone and she is not.

00:23:10.766 --> 00:23:11.395
But I'm just, Well,

00:23:11.681 --> 00:23:11.770
Yeah.

00:23:11.770 --> 00:23:13.871
I'm just yelling down the road like at myself.

00:23:13.971 --> 00:23:18.340
But yeah, and that's a way for you to care for yourself.

00:23:18.371 --> 00:23:28.280
And then sometimes if you can't, get help that you need, talk to a friend, talk to a therapist, take the responsibility of caring for yourself.

00:23:28.951 --> 00:23:33.030
And taking the comparison away and talk about it and work through it.

00:23:33.300 --> 00:23:33.780
I don't know if I've

00:23:33.780 --> 00:23:34.921
talked to you guys about this before.

00:23:34.925 --> 00:23:39.510
I did a, an experiment a couple of years ago, probably more like seven years ago.

00:23:39.601 --> 00:23:41.432
I had a new DSLR camera.

00:23:41.436 --> 00:23:41.810
Mm-hmm.

00:23:41.895 --> 00:23:47.250
And this was when people were doing their big photo of a day challenge and things you're grateful for.

00:23:47.461 --> 00:23:52.351
Well, I changed it to, I don't know, whatever I thought was cool or made me happy or what.

00:23:52.851 --> 00:23:56.480
At first it was really hard to a remember to do a

00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:57.290
photo of the day.

00:23:57.381 --> 00:23:57.891
Oh, yeah.

00:23:57.921 --> 00:24:00.201
Now they have those apps and stuff that you can do.

00:24:00.201 --> 00:24:00.621
Yeah.

00:24:00.681 --> 00:24:02.871
But it was hard to remember to do a photo of the day.

00:24:02.871 --> 00:24:06.631
It was hard to, go, Oh, what's cool and what's different?

00:24:06.810 --> 00:24:06.901
Mm-hmm.

00:24:07.320 --> 00:24:11.941
And then I remember about two and a half months in, I found myself sitting in this traffic.

00:24:11.941 --> 00:24:13.351
It was this awful area.

00:24:13.351 --> 00:24:14.151
It was rain.

00:24:14.621 --> 00:24:19.361
I looked over and there was a double rainbow, and I was like, Oh, that would make a really cool photo.

00:24:19.480 --> 00:24:24.431
And from that moment on, my photos got better and better and better.

00:24:24.580 --> 00:24:27.580
And it was easier for me to see them.

00:24:28.090 --> 00:24:29.171
And it wasn't false.

00:24:29.171 --> 00:24:34.270
It wasn't anything, but it was just, it was like I changed my I, my, my vision.

00:24:34.421 --> 00:24:34.691
Yeah.

00:24:34.740 --> 00:24:35.580
You flipped your script.

00:24:35.641 --> 00:24:36.570
I flipped my script.

00:24:36.570 --> 00:24:36.631
Yeah.

00:24:36.631 --> 00:24:39.990
And I can see a different Oh, that'd make a cool photo.

00:24:40.451 --> 00:24:45.685
And I did it for an entire, And I did it again for another tire, an entire year.

00:24:45.691 --> 00:24:50.691
Uhhuh, And it just, I could see differently cause I was looking for something that was cool.

00:24:50.810 --> 00:24:55.800
And so there are things to do, even if you, you're not feeling gratitude.

00:24:55.830 --> 00:25:00.030
There are things that you can do to, to help you like different, to work towards

00:25:00.030 --> 00:25:00.651
that, right?

00:25:00.651 --> 00:25:01.010
Yeah.

00:25:01.010 --> 00:25:01.330
Yeah.

00:25:01.336 --> 00:25:04.855
Like you said, Thinking of it from a different perspective.

00:25:04.915 --> 00:25:05.006
Mm-hmm.

00:25:05.336 --> 00:25:10.026
or thinking of it from another's perspective and how might they feel?

00:25:10.026 --> 00:25:17.046
And I think that goes hand in hand with becoming more empathetic, which I feel we lack a lot of compassion in.

00:25:17.046 --> 00:25:17.556
Yeah.

00:25:17.605 --> 00:25:18.921
In this society.

00:25:18.921 --> 00:25:25.240
And just like you said, you were finding a connection and joy like in that moment.

00:25:25.651 --> 00:25:32.820
Where like everything was like chaos around you and you thought like that double rainbow like brought you joy and you could focus on that.

00:25:32.971 --> 00:25:35.611
And so that small pinpoint mm-hmm.

00:25:35.800 --> 00:25:40.951
you could just thumbtack that like that is what is bringing me joy right now.

00:25:40.955 --> 00:25:42.661
I'm grateful for that one second.

00:25:42.820 --> 00:25:45.155
And that hour, that was like total chaos.

00:25:45.336 --> 00:25:48.695
It was the practice, daily practice of that.

00:25:48.695 --> 00:25:48.786
Mm-hmm.

00:25:49.026 --> 00:25:53.195
of looking for it cuz it's all around us and sometimes we have to look.

00:25:53.736 --> 00:25:54.425
Dig deep

00:25:54.455 --> 00:25:54.726
sometimes

00:25:55.715 --> 00:25:57.455
Oh, there is the beginning photos.

00:25:57.455 --> 00:25:58.086
I was digging deep.

00:25:58.266 --> 00:25:59.256
It was, it was a deep dig.

00:25:59.736 --> 00:26:03.665
But you know what I also have people do is they'll like a gratitude journal.

00:26:03.816 --> 00:26:07.205
I'll have'em write three things because I think 10 things is

00:26:07.205 --> 00:26:07.506
hard.

00:26:07.506 --> 00:26:07.566
Yeah.

00:26:08.105 --> 00:26:09.905
And we have a free one on the website too.

00:26:09.905 --> 00:26:10.925
You guys can download

00:26:11.135 --> 00:26:13.266
three things that you're grateful for that day.

00:26:13.266 --> 00:26:15.756
And it could just be anything simple.

00:26:15.756 --> 00:26:19.655
Nothing false, but I'm really glad I had coffee this morning.

00:26:19.746 --> 00:26:22.625
Like I was so excited for my cup of coffee this

00:26:22.625 --> 00:26:22.955
morning.

00:26:22.955 --> 00:26:25.526
Yeah, and if you can journal it, text it to yourself.

00:26:25.526 --> 00:26:27.865
I don't know, like voice memo yourself.

00:26:28.105 --> 00:26:29.246
Just say it out loud.

00:26:29.276 --> 00:26:30.536
Yeah, say it out loud.

00:26:30.536 --> 00:26:34.580
Or even say it, in your head like, Man, that was really cool right now.

00:26:34.586 --> 00:26:34.961
Yeah.

00:26:35.221 --> 00:26:35.580
That's it.

00:26:35.580 --> 00:26:36.631
It doesn't have to be major.

00:26:36.631 --> 00:26:38.820
Like I love buying journals.

00:26:39.250 --> 00:26:44.310
I love writing, but like I'm not very good at keeping up with them, so No,

00:26:44.310 --> 00:26:44.441
no, no.

00:26:44.441 --> 00:26:46.270
It's, it's not like a dear diary.

00:26:46.480 --> 00:26:47.080
Yeah.

00:26:47.351 --> 00:26:49.480
The other one is acts of kindness.

00:26:49.480 --> 00:26:49.540
Yeah.

00:26:49.570 --> 00:26:55.441
So we were at the Starbucks couple weeks ago, my daughter and I, and there was a lady behind us mm-hmm.

00:26:55.681 --> 00:26:57.421
and I was like, Let's paper her coffee.

00:26:57.421 --> 00:26:58.260
She's like, Why?

00:26:58.290 --> 00:26:58.500
And I.

00:26:59.250 --> 00:27:00.030
Why not?

00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:01.921
And she was like, Okay.

00:27:02.101 --> 00:27:04.651
And so we paid for this lady's coffee or whoever it was.

00:27:04.651 --> 00:27:08.520
I don't, I'm assuming as a lady paid for her coffee, her cha latte or whatever.

00:27:08.520 --> 00:27:11.730
And we went off and my daughter was like, That was really cool.

00:27:11.820 --> 00:27:13.951
Mm-hmm I'm like, Yeah, just something for fun.

00:27:14.310 --> 00:27:17.310
And then the lady was driving by us cuz we were at a light and she goes, Oh.

00:27:17.596 --> 00:27:18.766
Mom Here she comes, here she comes.

00:27:18.826 --> 00:27:19.246
What do I do?

00:27:19.306 --> 00:27:19.806
What do I do?

00:27:19.810 --> 00:27:21.046
I'm like, Just act normal.

00:27:21.105 --> 00:27:21.526
Yeah.

00:27:21.615 --> 00:27:23.115
I don't know if she knows it was us or not.

00:27:23.121 --> 00:27:23.986
It's not a big deal.

00:27:23.986 --> 00:27:24.705
We we're not looking

00:27:24.766 --> 00:27:24.965
for it.

00:27:24.965 --> 00:27:26.326
We're not doing it for validation.

00:27:26.326 --> 00:27:26.621
Yeah.

00:27:26.830 --> 00:27:36.101
And she says she looked at her, she goes, She had such a smile on her face, Mom, and she wasn't looking at us, but she said she was just driving with a smile on her face.

00:27:36.101 --> 00:27:38.820
I said, we could have absolutely made her.

00:27:39.246 --> 00:27:41.076
I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a minute.

00:27:43.145 --> 00:27:43.175
Uhoh.

00:27:43.175 --> 00:27:56.675
I have heard on the opposite side from Starbucks employees and some other people because I have a lot of low income clients that have said that really stresses them out because then they feel forced to pay for the person behind them.

00:27:56.885 --> 00:27:57.635
Oh, and you know what?

00:27:57.776 --> 00:27:59.556
They don't know if they could afford it.

00:27:59.556 --> 00:28:01.965
And I wanna say, With that.

00:28:01.996 --> 00:28:08.566
The Starbucks people, I think, have learned to say You, you do not need to pass this on to somebody or don't worry about it and stuff like that.

00:28:08.836 --> 00:28:10.875
So I love random acts of kindness.

00:28:10.881 --> 00:28:12.256
I love doing that kind of stuff.

00:28:12.256 --> 00:28:12.760
But I,

00:28:12.820 --> 00:28:16.000
the reason I did that though was because there was nobody behind her.

00:28:16.090 --> 00:28:17.171
Oh, perfect.

00:28:17.175 --> 00:28:21.884
So there was not a long, not like a long line that like needs to be like, cuz somebody's what if, they order.

00:28:22.384 --> 00:28:25.414
Yeah, like$50 worth of Starbucks and I can't afford that.

00:28:25.414 --> 00:28:27.394
And I just wanted like my dollar cake pop

00:28:28.295 --> 00:28:28.625
No.

00:28:28.625 --> 00:28:32.615
The reason they did it that day was because there was, You were more thoughtful.

00:28:32.714 --> 00:28:33.065
Yeah, yeah.

00:28:33.069 --> 00:28:34.085
There was nobody behind us.

00:28:34.085 --> 00:28:36.865
I wasn't trying to create this thoughtful train.

00:28:36.865 --> 00:28:37.515
Yeah, yeah.

00:28:37.585 --> 00:28:37.765
Okay.

00:28:37.765 --> 00:28:40.825
It was really just for that one person in that one moment.

00:28:40.855 --> 00:28:40.914
Yeah.

00:28:40.974 --> 00:28:44.154
And my daughter goes, she said that, but what if there's a person behind him?

00:28:44.154 --> 00:28:45.805
And I was like, Nobody's behind him.

00:28:46.170 --> 00:28:47.490
This is just about them.

00:28:47.490 --> 00:28:49.380
Well, cuz you've raised a thoughtful kid, but Yeah.

00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:49.589
Yeah.

00:28:49.589 --> 00:28:51.900
Cause you're a thoughtful person, but, Oh, well thank you.

00:28:51.960 --> 00:28:57.480
You're, But yeah, we, we do, we thought of that, that, because I was like, I don't wanna have to, I'm not trying to create something here.

00:28:57.730 --> 00:28:57.930
Mm-hmm.

00:28:58.015 --> 00:28:59.490
because I feel bad when I break it.

00:28:59.609 --> 00:28:59.759
Yeah.

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:01.349
Cuz now I feel guilty that.

00:29:01.694 --> 00:29:03.494
And that's what can induce a lot of things.

00:29:03.734 --> 00:29:04.694
So there's, Yeah.

00:29:04.724 --> 00:29:10.934
But I love doing small, random things like that, and I do a lot of like fundraising and stuff like that.

00:29:10.940 --> 00:29:11.154
Mm-hmm.

00:29:11.234 --> 00:29:15.765
and I, I do not like validation for it, and it's really hard for me.

00:29:15.944 --> 00:29:17.595
We had done a big fundraiser.

00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:18.914
She gets a little weird, just so you know.

00:29:18.974 --> 00:29:19.244
Yeah.

00:29:19.244 --> 00:29:19.904
We did a bug.

00:29:20.115 --> 00:29:26.365
Big fundraiser a couple years ago and they wanted me to come and present me with a giant check for their social media.

00:29:26.424 --> 00:29:32.934
And I did not wanna do it, but it was to help this nonprofit, right?

00:29:32.934 --> 00:29:33.025
Mm-hmm.

00:29:33.265 --> 00:29:37.000
And they wanted, to share like what I had done for them.

00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:39.910
And I was like, But I don't do this for recognition.

00:29:39.940 --> 00:29:45.069
I am the type of person that I don't need to be recognized for my service acts.

00:29:45.619 --> 00:29:50.119
Doing service acts is my, another love language of mine to give mm-hmm.

00:29:50.204 --> 00:29:51.920
to my community and stuff like that.

00:29:52.279 --> 00:29:59.789
A lot of people do service acts for recognition and for me like that doesn't validate like the gratitude I get from it.

00:29:59.789 --> 00:30:08.279
I would rather be like behind the scenes, but I realize okay, it's helping them and like their presence and they want other donors to know we had done this.

00:30:08.279 --> 00:30:10.289
And so I was like, Okay, I stepped.

00:30:10.650 --> 00:30:13.859
Out from behind the shadows to do this big check picture.

00:30:13.859 --> 00:30:24.109
But yeah, it made me really uncomfortable, but I was like, okay, that was a way for them to express gratitude to me and like I was had to learn how to accept

00:30:24.109 --> 00:30:24.650
it too.

00:30:24.799 --> 00:30:27.680
It's also okay Randy to say I'm not comfortable with that.

00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:27.980
Yeah.

00:30:28.039 --> 00:30:29.690
Please accept it on my behalf.

00:30:29.720 --> 00:30:29.809
Yes.

00:30:29.809 --> 00:30:31.400
That's not what I'm looking for.

00:30:31.730 --> 00:30:31.789
Yeah.

00:30:31.839 --> 00:30:38.680
I love the holidays, especially like you've been booed, especially like for October, like that, we did a couple in October.

00:30:39.099 --> 00:30:42.430
But what I do is I take out the part where you're supposed to redo it.

00:30:42.549 --> 00:30:45.069
Because I hate that, that it's like a chain mail.

00:30:45.069 --> 00:30:47.740
Don't give me some, Remember those God chain mails?

00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:48.640
Chain letters.

00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:49.059
Chain letters.

00:30:49.269 --> 00:30:49.450
That's

00:30:49.454 --> 00:30:49.599
it.

00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:52.420
My mom used to be like so paranoid about those.

00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:54.400
I'm gonna get bad luck if I don't send it to seven.

00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:55.089
My friends.

00:30:55.095 --> 00:30:55.750
This weird.

00:30:55.750 --> 00:30:59.265
And then it turned into like an email chain thing, spam, and it was like, what?

00:30:59.835 --> 00:31:00.375
Spam.

00:31:00.884 --> 00:31:02.775
But we did that for little boys across the street

00:31:02.775 --> 00:31:02.835
too.

00:31:02.835 --> 00:31:03.015
Well, you're.

00:31:03.710 --> 00:31:04.130
Stuff.

00:31:04.134 --> 00:31:04.430
Yeah.

00:31:04.430 --> 00:31:04.589
Yeah.

00:31:04.589 --> 00:31:12.200
Like I like that you put you do not need to, cuz it's like maybe they don't have, the money to make like that basket or do you know, whatever.

00:31:12.259 --> 00:31:21.650
Well, and I don't wanna create we'll do, we did a little basket and gave it to them, but I didn't do the, you're supposed to forward it because I don't wanna create that for that mom.

00:31:21.654 --> 00:31:21.819
Mm-hmm.

00:31:22.069 --> 00:31:22.609
because she more

00:31:22.609 --> 00:31:23.420
stress, more work.

00:31:23.420 --> 00:31:23.869
Yeah.

00:31:23.875 --> 00:31:23.940
Yeah.

00:31:23.944 --> 00:31:28.700
She's trying, you're trying to alleviate something and bring some joy, to their day and stuff.

00:31:28.759 --> 00:31:29.180
And I just

00:31:29.180 --> 00:31:29.390
wanted.

00:31:29.924 --> 00:31:31.305
See them open it through my window.

00:31:31.309 --> 00:31:33.619
Keeping Tom, It was really fun though, right?

00:31:33.619 --> 00:31:36.200
And my daughter ran over, rang the doorbell, she ran back.

00:31:36.200 --> 00:31:36.740
We did it all

00:31:36.740 --> 00:31:37.549
secretive.

00:31:37.640 --> 00:31:38.000
Yeah.

00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:39.440
I love doing that stuff too.

00:31:39.440 --> 00:31:44.234
And I don't like ever do it with the intention of expecting getting anything in return.

00:31:44.234 --> 00:31:55.365
And I think when you create those kind of realities and boundaries with yourself about your expectations for gratitude, it makes it more powerful, and that.

00:31:55.720 --> 00:32:07.000
The type of things that help with increasing your serotonin and reducing your stress like and improving relationships and friendships just as over here, like knocking over all of our audio equipment.

00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:07.029
I

00:32:07.035 --> 00:32:10.150
so excited that like I knocked everything over.

00:32:10.150 --> 00:32:10.750
Oh my gosh.

00:32:10.750 --> 00:32:11.529
I'm gonna have to hold it

00:32:11.529 --> 00:32:11.710
now.

00:32:11.740 --> 00:32:13.130
Oh, we're hot messes all the time.

00:32:13.130 --> 00:32:13.359
The time.

00:32:13.875 --> 00:32:21.224
And learn to feel gratitude without the comparison and the guilt and things like that, like true gratitude that can improve your overall

00:32:21.224 --> 00:32:21.674
health.

00:32:21.884 --> 00:32:26.325
I also wanna say, you don't have to have a gratitude practice.

00:32:26.625 --> 00:32:30.255
If you're rolling into November and you're like, I don't wanna do this, don't

00:32:30.259 --> 00:32:30.704
do it.

00:32:30.734 --> 00:32:31.575
It can be hard.

00:32:31.579 --> 00:32:33.224
Like a lot of people have family issues.

00:32:33.224 --> 00:32:34.454
You can say, Fuck gratitude, right?

00:32:34.954 --> 00:32:35.640
It's, It's not your thing.

00:32:35.644 --> 00:32:36.779
It doesn't have to be your thing.

00:32:36.869 --> 00:32:36.930
Yeah.

00:32:36.930 --> 00:32:38.369
You don't need to take on another thing.

00:32:38.529 --> 00:32:38.890
We don't

00:32:38.890 --> 00:32:39.609
need another thing.

00:32:39.910 --> 00:32:42.700
It's okay if it's going to harm your mental health.

00:32:42.730 --> 00:32:45.220
We will both be the first people that say Don't

00:32:45.220 --> 00:32:45.460
do it.

00:32:45.490 --> 00:32:45.759
Yeah.

00:32:45.789 --> 00:32:47.230
Drop it, Put up that boundary.

00:32:47.230 --> 00:32:48.940
I'm not doing gratitude journal.

00:32:48.940 --> 00:32:49.720
This is dumb.

00:32:49.720 --> 00:32:51.099
This is one more thing on my plate.

00:32:51.130 --> 00:32:51.490
Okay.

00:32:51.609 --> 00:32:58.240
And for those who have the gratitude practice of they gave it up to God, they give it up to the universe, then keep it.

00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.099
If that works for you, then keep it.

00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:00.400
Yeah.

00:33:00.430 --> 00:33:01.059
Find.

00:33:01.994 --> 00:33:05.865
You can fit it in, work it for you, or dump it and cut it.

00:33:05.865 --> 00:33:08.295
If it doesn't work for you, there's no guilt.

00:33:08.295 --> 00:33:09.644
No shame here.

00:33:09.704 --> 00:33:09.944
Nope.

00:33:10.244 --> 00:33:12.944
Just if it doesn't serve a purpose, it's okay to let it go.

00:33:12.974 --> 00:33:13.275
Yep,

00:33:13.515 --> 00:33:14.325
Exactly.

00:33:14.654 --> 00:33:18.825
Thank you guys for listening in on this episode, and we'll chat with you more next time.

00:33:19.154 --> 00:33:19.714
Chat with you later.