Transcript
WEBVTT
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
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I'm randy.
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I'm And I'm Jess.
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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.
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Today we're diving into a mindset shift that has been taking the personal development world by storm.
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It's called the let them theory.
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The concept is simple yet so powerful.
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If you've ever felt drained, trying to, if you've ever felt drained, trying to control or fix everything and everyone around you, This episode is for you.
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Find us and more information at womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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So have you ever had these thoughts?
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What exactly is the let them theory?
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Who developed this let them theory?
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How can this theory benefit our mental health?
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Can it improve relationships?
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Is the Let Them Theory backed by scientific research?
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How do I start implementing the Let Them Theory into my daily life?
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What are common challenges that I might run into when trying to practice the step by steps of the Let Them Theory?
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Are there any risks that I might have when I actually try to practice this let them theory?
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And how can this theory help in the workplace environments or maybe with family and relationships or school or wherever it is, burnout,
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burnout, right?
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Exactly.
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And where can I learn more about this?
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Let them theory besides on our podcast or on our website, womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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Okay, let's start by defining It, the let them theory is all about releasing control over others actions and choices.
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It encourages you to let people do what they want, even if it does not align with what you think they should do.
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And that's the hard part right there, What we're talking about really is having your own boundaries and allowing other people to make their own decisions.
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And as moms, it is hard sometimes because we see our kiddos and we're like, that's not what you should be doing.
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You're doing the wrong thing even with
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a partner or spouse or they're doing the wrong thing.
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Yeah,
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they usually are doing the wrong thing.
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They're doing the wrong thing.
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I've said this in therapy all the time, is that sometimes you have to let them know.
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And that is so hard because whether they fail or pass, it is their decision and they have to own it.
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And you have to let it happen that's how I learn.
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Yeah.
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And you have to not feel guilt over doing that either, which I think is, the hard part of this.
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It's not only letting them, but it's letting go of the expectations and the feelings around it.
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the idea behind all this is if somebody wants to leave, let them.
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If somebody wants to say no, let them.
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If somebody wants to make a decision you don't agree with, let them.
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Let them.
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Yeah.
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So it's not about giving up or being passive.
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It's about recognizing that we cannot control other people and trying to do so leads to unnecessary stress, unnecessary emotional conflict.
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It's just hot mess when you try to control everything and everyone around you and it's really draining.
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Even if you're like, I know how to do that and I can do it really fast, this isn't about you.
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This is about letting them figure out if that's what they want to do.
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Because sometimes people don't want to do it your way or the right way I'm air quoting.
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Well, and we've talked about this too before is we have let our kids fail forward because I feel like you really only learn in life when you do fail and you learn to pick yourself up.
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and make those changes that you need to.
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And unless you've done that yourself, you don't really have those tools to do that.
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Exactly.
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And we don't always present the tools to people in a way that they can see it and be able to use it or
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understand and process it.
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think differently.
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We all understand things totally differently.
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Yeah, it's like handing in this weird wrench and then going, here you go, and not telling them how to use it or where it goes.
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It's just this weird part of a toolbox that you have to know how to use it.
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So why is it called the Let Them Theory then?
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It's called the Let Them Theory because it's really emphasizing, granting others the freedom to make their own choices, letting them be who they are, Even if it's challenging your expectations, your feelings, your wants, or your desires.
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This phrase, let them is empowering because it shifts the focus away from what others are doing and back to what you can control.
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So it's just like you're taking that weight off of your shoulders and being like, okay, I'm just letting them do that.
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If you've ever been in therapy, that's what a therapist will say is you can only control your own reactions and your own body.
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boundaries.
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And that's it.
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The only thing you can control is yourself.
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essentially what it breaks down to is it's about accepting that other people's decisions are not a reflection of your worth or your role in their life.
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It is.
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That's huge.
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It does not diminish that you're a mother or a spouse or a friend or a co worker.
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They're on their own journey that you have no understanding about.
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Or control over.
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Or control over.
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They might be the most selfish person or they might just have blinders on, or they might be dealing with trauma.
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We do not even know what encompasses somebody's whole world and what they're walking through, so how can we control that?
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We can even put this to things like internet trolls.
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If somebody wants to love, I don't know, whatever political party, let them.
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Yeah.
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They can love it.
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You don't have to argue with them that they're wrong.
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You are allowed to like yours.
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They're allowed to like theirs.
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And that is such a great thing because sometimes we get so wrapped up into you're wrong.
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What if we just let everybody do what they wanted to do and believe what they wanted to believe?
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I thought that's what we were doing.
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This is empowering in a way that it just makes you feel like secure in yourself, because if you're not worried about what everybody's thinking or what they're doing, like you're not having FOMO, like maybe your friends, aren't inviting you to this event or that thing, or you feel like you're being excluded.
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Just Whatever, let them.
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Yeah, let them exclude you.
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Maybe you don't want to go anyway, or maybe you do and you find something else to do.
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If they're going to exclude you, go find people to hang out with that are going to include you.
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when we talk about this in our podcast for women's mental health, It is really important because as moms and as women, we are often socialized to take on the role of caregivers and fixers and peacemakers, especially that peacemaker part.
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we, We overextend ourselves constantly as women and we put ourselves on the back burner again and again because we are trying to manage other people's emotions.
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We're trying to solve their problems.
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We're trying to keep everything running smoothly.
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We're trying to work.
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We're trying to keep a calendar.
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We're trying to keep the sporting events going like on and on and on.
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It's exhausting and it is not sustainable.
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So in theory, this offers a way for you to break the cycle.
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Oh, and every time we learn how to break the cycle, we break that cycle for our generations below us.
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We learn a little bit, we teach our children more, and hopefully eventually we're going to break this cycle entirely, because we don't need to control everybody and everything.
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thing.
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Yep, and when you focus on yourself and what you can control and narrow your focus down like that and focus on your well being and your mental health, without feeling responsible it allows you to focus on what you control your own well being, your own health, your own mental health, your own life, without feeling responsible for everybody else.
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this isn't just in your personal relationships.
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This can be applied to your work, your friends, how you engage with your neighbors, how you engage with.
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Social media or cultural or political expectations because there's a part of us that we have gotten so involved in everybody else's business, We make jokes and we call it, is it Susan?
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Is it Susan?
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The one that everybody was making fun of because she called the cops on somebody having a picnic?
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Karen.
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Karen! Oh, God, Susan.
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Where did I get Susan?
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I'm like, where's I don't know.
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Who's Susan?
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Oh, you know what it is?
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Because people call it a lazy Susan.
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And I'm like, why does Susan, why can't it be like a lazy Stan?
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Oh, yeah.
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Okay, sorry.
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That's where that came from.
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Okay.
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So let's talk first about how do we do this, how we're going to shift our mindset to not be in everybody's business.
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So you said it, we're going to shift our mindset.
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So that's the first step is to reframe how you see the control that you have, instead of viewing it as your responsibility and that you have to do this and other people are going to fail without this.
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you have to let it go and know that it's not your responsibility to guide others.
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You have to recognize that everybody is on their own journey.
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They are and that is okay.
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This reminds me of that butterfly poem.
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If you love them set them free and if they come back They're yours.
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Yeah, I mean it reminds butterfly
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or a bird?
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You're
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just gonna make fun of me the whole podcast, aren't you?
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I thought it was a butterfly But either way if you release your bird and your bird comes back and it's yours, then great.
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Maybe it was a home approach
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But whatever Just anybody let them go and They'll be free in a, it's meant to be, it's meant to be or that one, whatever.
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You let your
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zombie go,
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but it comes back.
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It's the same thing.
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There's so many things.
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This is popular right now because Mel Robbins has made this into a book, but it is not a new theory.
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It is something that has been around like, for ages and ages.
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It's the basis of it is making boundaries and putting yourself first, putting your wellbeing first.
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Putting up boundaries.
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And I love how we just say, let them though, because right, let them.
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Who cares?
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It's like my grandma says, fuck him.
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It's the same thing.
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Fuck him.
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But that goes into the second step, which is focus on your own boundaries.
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Don't worry about other people's boundaries too.
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This doesn't mean that you have to accept bad behavior or you have to accept people disrespecting you or your boundaries.
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That's hard though, right?
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Yes, you don't have to that.
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But it's hard when we start going, well, they don't agree with me.
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So that's disrespecting me.
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No, there is a fine line.
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If they're calling you an asshole, because you don't agree with them, that's disrespectful.
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But if they're saying, I don't agree with you, that is not disrespectful.
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And so that's why I think where everything gets blurred in our country or in our culture.
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Well, I think a lot of times we think with our emotions, and we don't take the emotions out of it.
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And logically, usually people aren't intending for it to target you a certain way.
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But sometimes we read it that way, or hear it a certain way or hear a tone and it triggers us.
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So being also like consciously aware of those things and how they impact you.
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And really, just letting them Keep their tone and their bad attitude over there.
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That's true.
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You put up your boundary and you say let them.
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If they want to be rude, let them.
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Again, we've talked about boundaries in our other podcast.
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You can go back and listen to boundaries, but boundaries are about what you will and will not tolerate, not about controlling others.
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I will not tolerate being treated this way.
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I will not tolerate.
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tolerate, somebody talking to me this way, whatever it is, but I can't control them, but I can say, I'm not going to have a conversation with you anymore.
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If you want to do that, that's fine.
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However, it won't be with me.
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for example, so a friend is always counseling on you.
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But then if you're constantly making plans with them over and over again, who's the fool?
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Huh?
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I said, who's the fool?
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Yeah, exactly.
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So it's like, you're enabling that behavior.
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Just let them cancel on you and stop making plans with them.
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That's my attitude now.
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I used to like, chase people and be like, Oh, I feel bad.
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I know they're busy or this or the other and I'll keep trying to like, reconnect and reconnect and reconnect.
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Finally, I was just like, whatever.
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They don't care as much as I do.
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I had to let go.
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Well,
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it's not that they don't care as
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much as you do.
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They, for
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whatever reason, can't show up, they can't follow through, whatever it is, let them.
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Yeah, their priorities, are different, probably like my priority.
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One of my priorities has always been, friendships.
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And for other people, maybe their career came first or their relationship or they didn't know how to balance it.
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And I've learned that now that I'm older, but it was hard to see.
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When I was younger and let go of that.
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Exactly.
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We have friends that are like, let's meet up somewhere.
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And we used to get ready and they'd say, Oh, we can't make it.
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Okay, cool.
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Then we said, okay, why don't we just come to our house and we'll cook?
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Well, we had so much damn food one night because they said we're not coming.
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So the next time we were like.
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Sure, you can come.
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We didn't get dressed.
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We didn't make food, We were like, I'll just order something if they show up.
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Yeah, I can just you know, uber something and guess what?
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They didn't show up.
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Yeah, and so my husband's like aren't you glad I'm like, oh totally I wasn't planning on I'm actually coming I just I knew this was going to happen.
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Now.
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Have I done something since?
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Absolutely, not Because I'm like,
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Another step is to practice emotional detachment.
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That's hard.
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When I talk to people about learning to detach with love.
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Or practicing emotional detachment.
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They don't even know what that concept is.
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That is a great podcast idea because we have no clue what that means or how to do it.
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Well, and I think too, this is also something else that we should talk more in depth about, but a lot of people that have a hard time with this, letting go and letting them theory have anxious.
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Attachment.
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Oh,
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Style and their relationship.
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So it's very hard because, they've had some type of trauma and they're very anxious over letting go of people or not being in control.
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But let's talk real quick.
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Let's go back.
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I know we're like, ooh, future podcast, future podcast.
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But let's go back and talk about emotional detachment.
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It doesn't mean you have to be mean or cold or, I don't give a fucking different.
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Mm hmm.
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It means not tying Your emotional state to somebody else's actions and that right there is part of codependency as well
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And when you think about it, it's healthy to do that because you're allowing them You're caring enough to step back and allow them to find their own footing and what they're doing
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It's if your child is in a bad mood and it's so hard because when they're in a bad mood They take it out on you.
