Transcript
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
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I'm randy.
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I'm And I'm Jess.
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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.
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We're excited for today's episode because we're tackling a topic that comes up for so many of us, how to let go.
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we're going to talk about letting go and what that really means, I find a lot of times when we talk about letting go, we think we have to just forget and move on and that's it.
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And people don't want to.
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And I wanted to take this idea and kind of run with it and have some practical ways to process letting go.
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Find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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Have you ever had these thoughts?
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Why is letting go so hard?
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What does letting go actually mean?
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How can I start the process of letting go?
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What are some practices to facilitate letting go?
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How do I know when I've successively let go?
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Can letting go change my relationships?
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What if I struggle with letting go of all the negative self perceptions?
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What happens?
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Oh my gosh.
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Is it normal to feel grief when letting go?
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How can letting go impact my mental health?
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What if I need help letting go?
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We'll answer all these in depth at the end.
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Definitely.
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Let's start with that concept of letting go and what it actually means, Randi.
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At its core, letting go is about releasing attachment to things, thoughts, situations, or feelings that aren't serving us.
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This could be holding on to a grudge, a regret, or even, like we talked about, a negative self image that doesn't align with who we are or making our life better.
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So we can just Marie Kondo it?
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Is that
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what we're talking about?
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Just if it doesn't bring me joy, I'm gonna let go?
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Just let it go.
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Kick it out.
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Yeah.
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Okay, so So this can be really hard because we have this expectation maybe for us or somebody else and letting go or letting go of this past event that we can't change, Those thoughts of, what wish I would have done something different.
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It's less about forgetting.
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About it.
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It's more about making peace with it and allowing yourself to move forward.
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That's a big part right there Letting go is about making peace With whatever happened or whatever decision was made or that event that keeps popping up in your brain all the time It's about making peace with it.
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That doesn't necessarily mean giving up or not caring that this happened or this was done to you or the that your trust was broken, whatever it is, it means releasing that it was outside of your control, which is very, it's a lot harder than it sounds, but it can be incredibly freeing and uplifting when it happens.
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Mm
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hmm.
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It really can.
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And it's very much like this Buddhist idea, this letting go or we find this like this Oh, like I've got my fingers in the Yeah.
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I don't know, that's this kind of hippie, I don't call it hippie dippie, hippie dippie feelings.
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Well, it is and it isn't
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because I've done EMDR therapy and practiced it and had it done on myself and I feel like that in a way is letting go.
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Mm hmm.
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And there is a little bit of, sometimes it feels like woo woo hippie dippie to it, but our brain is very powerful.
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We can create these pathways of letting go of things that are holding us down.
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That's just like tapping and brain spotting same kind of thing is letting Accepting or coming to terms with whatever it is that happened
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because especially as women we tend to hold on to relationships memories guilt shame More tightly than others.
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It's ingrained in us and that leads to a lot of stressing, anxiety and resentment even towards ourselves.
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And
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that mental load that we already carry, which is such bullshit, but that mental load that we already carry, we're always keeping track of everything.
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And we often hold on to things that we don't need to anymore.
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It doesn't serve a purpose.
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It doesn't need to be about it.
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So when we let, hold on, when we don't let go, we're adding another Mental burden to ourselves and it's just one more thing.
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We're putting into that mental burden, suitcase That's above us and I
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feel like that's why so many women are so mentally drained right now because we're holding on to regrets or trauma or negative self talk and that harms our psyche and our self esteem and It's important to realize that you can let go and you can reclaim that energy and focus it on things that bring you joy and
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growth.
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Now what's really funny is that this last week Randy and I both have gone through and kind of rage cleaned some areas of our lives.
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Yeah, I can finally walk in my master closet again.
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Like I'm not
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there yet, but
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it's beautiful She's gone through her office.
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I'm not there yet I mean it's interesting how we're letting go of some of the stuff that's been literally all Weighing us down.
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Yeah, exactly.
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Like physically, too.
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Yes, and I walk, every time I walk in my closet now because I've got my pink chair in there and I'm like, Oh, it's so pretty now.
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Yeah,
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I can see it.
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I can see it.
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It's not buried in whatever.
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So it's great.
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So that's, that leads us into talking about practical steps of starting to let go.
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So what are some things that have worked for you?
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For me, writing is a release.
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Just writing a list, writing, just like a bullet journal, whatever it is, I write down what I'm holding on to, worries or resentments or fears.
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And then I go through the list one by one and consciously tell myself, I released this.
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It is a very symbolic.
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Cross it out.
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Yeah.
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And then I shred that shit.
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But I, it's a symbolic act and it helps me let it go mentally.
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The other thing is I will do my tapping.
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And it doesn't have to serve the purpose.
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It doesn't have to continue.
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I'm sitting here tapping.
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Because it's, releasing this energy that is weighing me down.
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I love that.
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Another one that I do myself and I really recommend is the power of reframing.
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Reframing your thoughts.
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When you find yourself holding on to something, ask yourself, What is this giving me?
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Why am I holding on to this?
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If you are finding that it's, bringing you stress, pain, try to shift your focus.
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For example, instead of thinking about a past mistake that's weighing you down, focus on what you learned from that past mistake.
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And how your life You know what's positively maybe impacted from it this shift in thinking can make it easier to release those Negative feelings that you're holding on to
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Exactly.
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It's looking at it differently because yes, that is something that happened and we're not talking toxic positivity guys We're not saying you're gonna make lemonade out of that lemon, right?
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What we're saying is that look at it and go, okay, did I learn something from that?
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Okay, great.
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That doesn't have to define who I am right now or anymore.
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It was, a past mistake or a past issue.
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So I think it's a really good approach.
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Another tool though is practicing mindfulness.
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That one right there most of us do not do at all.
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Well it's hard when you are Feeling like you're drowning in all this guilt or shame or past thoughts.
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Yeah.
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So mindfulness is about being in the present when you feel yourself clinging to something from your past or worrying about your future, ground yourself in the present moment.
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And, Randy and I like to go ground ourself and walk through the grass or be barefoot or just breathe, blow
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our bubbles.
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Yeah, so those are some ways that you can do it.
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Another thing, too, is I will consciously put down my phone and put it away.
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So I can be present for my kids.
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Look at them while they're talking to me.
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Because oftentimes we're, our attention is divided that I find myself not being present.
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Being a busy, working, overwhelmed, mentally drained, human being, and I'm like, I need to give them, five minutes of my attention.
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I can set this down.
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I can look at them.
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I can listen.
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I can be here.
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Same thing with your partner, or your friends.
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Put the phone down, give yourself that five to 10 minutes.
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Exactly.
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Another favorite of mine is just forgiveness
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is
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really just forgiving yourself.
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it doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior, but it's about freeing yourself from the emotional burden of it.
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That's so interesting.
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I just had a conversation the other day randomly with the the tech at my optometrist appointment.
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And I don't know how he got on it, but she was like, I still.
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Even though I've done so much, she said, I still feel guilty that my kids have trauma.
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And I said, I look at it this way, that I have caused less trauma to my kids than was caused to me.
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This is how I reframe it.
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So I tell my kids, I screwed you up less than I was screwed up.
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So I'm taking that as a win.
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I broke a bunch of generational, trauma and curses that weighed me down.
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And I said, now it's your turn to take that.
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And I said, so you're less screwed up than I was.
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So I'm going to take that as a win.
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I said, we can't control everything that happens to our kids or the way life happens.
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And I said, so we can't carry that burden and that guilt that we didn't give them 100 percent of everything that this perfect life.
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I said, that's not how life works.
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I said, life is rough out there.
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So I said, you need to, give yourself some kindness and a break.
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And she was like, Oh, I really like the way of Thinking about that.
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And I was like, there I go offering my free advice.
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That's so funny.
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Cause I tell people that I'm sure I'm screwing my kid up somehow, probably in a way that I don't even realize, because I'm trying to cope and adjust for all of the ways that were done to me or that I went through.
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So I'm trying so hard, but I am positive.
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I am giving a future therapist a job somewhere.
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It's gonna be something that I didn't even know about.
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She's gonna be like yes, my mother was a therapist and now I'm traumatized by this.
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Exactly.
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So what did I ask her one day?
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I said, do you ever want to go to therapy?
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She's like, why I have you.
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And I was like.
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Oh, okay, so eventually you're going to probably need to be in therapy to undo what I've done.
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I'm sure, absolutely.
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Oh gosh.
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Okay, and lastly though, if you are having a problem letting go of your people pleasing tendencies like most women do, practice setting boundaries.
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Go back and listen to all of our podcasts on boundaries because we love boundaries.
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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
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Learn to say no, or learn to ask for space when you need it.
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It, both of those things are a form of letting go.
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And we also have podcasts on that, on stop saying sorry, learning to say no, communicating effectively.
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We have a lot of content for you guys to
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support this.
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I was reading something the other day that said, I've stopped, this woman says, I stopped moving out of men's way, and so far, I've run into 28 men just today.
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And then somebody else She was making space for herself.
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She was not making space for herself, but she was, well, yeah, okay.
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Physically, yeah.
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But she was, before, getting out of their way because they were men, and she said, I stopped doing that.
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And then somebody else says, you know what's so funny?
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I recently stopped doing it too, and men just keep running, walking into me.
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And I was like, I'm gonna try that.
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I'm going to notice if I go into a store and if I excuse myself and make way for a man to walk forward.
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That's
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interesting because I'm thinking of like when I'm in the store, like shopping or grocery shopping.
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And I guess I do tend to move out of the way of other people because I feel like most people aren't self aware.
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And I'm being more self aware, so I'm moving out of the way, I'm just going to ram into everybody.
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So it's cool.
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Sometimes I just stop and just stare at them.
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Yeah you get out of
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my way.
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I drove into the school the other day, the high school, and apparently everybody was leaving at the exact same time.
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Yeah.
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And these boys, and I'm in my car, so again, I'm going slow.
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I stopped my car as I was driving.
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Are you okay?
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Are you spilling on yourself over there?
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Yeah,
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I'm spilling.
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I'm spilling all over
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myself.
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I have a hole in my
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lip.
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I'm just ADHD.
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So I can't ever make anything go in my mouth.
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All right.
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That's just wrong.
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Just stop Stop that train of thought.
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I
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see your face right now Okay, so I'm gonna go back to my story.
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I was at the high school parking lot and these boys are walking out and The majority of them all, actually all but one, moved around the car, but this one boy was walking on, looking at his phone, wasn't even paying attention where he was going.
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He's just walking.
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And I literally stopped my car, and I was just staring at him.
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I wasn't gonna honk.
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I was literally gonna let him walk into my car.
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Because it wasn't me doing it.
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And he got right to the edge of my car and then looked up Oh, hey, there's a car here.
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Totally unaware that somebody was there.
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And I was dying.
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I was like Dude, you got to pay attention.
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This goes back to the protect your peace, Keep your space.
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Don't give up your space for other people.
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Physically
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and mentally and emotionally.
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You have that space.
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Own it.
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Yes.
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Own it.
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Don't make
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anybody make you feel less than.
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Exactly.
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I don't know where our tangent just went, but it just went all over, whatever.
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Now
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we're back.
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Let's go through now and answer our have you evas.
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So Jess, why is letting go so?
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I
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think it's so hard because it's so deeply intertwined with our emotions and our memories and our hopes and dreams.
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It's so much part of our lives that we've invested in significantly.
