Navigating Summertime Struggles

0:00 Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. I'm Randi. I'm Randi. And I'm Jess. And we're two licensed psychotherapists. This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal and you are not alone.. In today's episode, we're going to share our insights and strategies as therapists, women, and moms as summer approaches and routines go out the window. You're giving me anxiety just saying that. Learn how to survive summer with us. We're going to dive into the challenges of keeping your children and teenagers entertained and engaged during the summer months. Also while you're trying to balance work, family, responsibilities, and most of all, our mental health and sanity.

0:44 Have you ever thought, why am I excited and anxious about the school year ending? I literally just said that. What am I going to do with my kids this summer? How am I going to work and manage my kids? Online, gaming, iPad, whatever during summer. I don't want it to be a babysitter, but I do want it to be a babysitter, but like, how am I gonna manage this so I don't mess up my kid? Why do day camps and summer camps end at age 10? Seriously. And why are they so expensive for all day away camp, half a day, whatever it is. I even noticed I was signing up my son for the local, resident, day camp and it's even gone up.

1:27 I think in the last two years, double what it was. And I was like, what it's only like a couple hours a day, like two hours a day for four days during the week. And I was like, okay, I just need to get back to work to pay for summer camp. And then you're like, why is it only half a day? I gotta work all day. That's the part where I'm like, do I even send him? Because how am I supposed to stop in the middle of my work day and go get him? And it's then I need to pay a nanny or like somebody else to pick him up. And then that's even more expensive. Here's the other one. What the hell did my mom do with me during summer? I think I just drank out of a hose in the backyard and I was on my own. I think I watched cartoons or soap operas or something. I have no idea.

2:08 I was talking about watching soap operas with my grandma the other day. Probably where all my messed up ideas and relationships came from. Guiding light as the world turns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this summer shift or this summer transition from school to summer? What exactly is it? I have seen this come up for the last couple of weeks Not just in our home, in other homes where the kids are burnt out, school's almost out, we have another couple of days before school is done. Yeah. We finally got summer here and it's like all of the, yeah. The weather, yeah, is warming up, you want to be outside, yeah. There's this excitement. Oh, thank God we're done with our routines.

2:50 And then there's this freak out because there's this unstructured and super flexible summer break happening. it just really messes up the entire house. this transition can be a total challenge for not just kids, but us as caregivers, as workers, it has come up so many times that people are like, I guess we're not going to have sex now because the kids are home all summer because you're like, Oh, we got two more Friday. Yeah, yeah. So it's like your whole routine changes and That can be really hard on your mental health and your kids mental health because they don't see their friends they don't have the structure A lot of us, especially us who are ADHD rely on structure and when we don't have it and we're left to our own devices.

3:42 We can get squirrely out there and make bad decisions and impulse control. That can happen with kids too. They get bored and they're just like, Oh, I'm just going to try to dye my hair or dye the dog like purple or, or like your son did cut his hair, right? Yeah. Or color on the wall and it's, I swear, I just turned my head for a second, but also a lot of us work from home, so it's like having our kids home And being that role of a provider, a full time worker, and a full time parent. We don't get a break from that during the summer. No, because they find you. I don't know what it is. I have even gone and stretched in the closet. I'm just going to go lay and do some stretching in the closet because I need a break.

4:25 And they're all still, Hey, what are you doing? Yeah, I'm hiding in my closet. Yeah, I'm trying to be away from you and it's like my office doors I have two glass french doors So they can see me and I actually used to have my desk faced the opposite way So they could just walk in behind me and I switched my desk to face the door so I could be like Stop. Pause. Don't come in. Even my teenager, too like, she's the worst. She wants to come in, have a full conversation right in the middle of whatever I'm doing and it doesn't matter what I'm doing. And I'm just like, okay, let's learn to knock on mom's office door. I don't know how you have glass doors. I would have put some curtains. I would have put that Elmer's glue trick going around on TikTok right now.

5:08 Oh my gosh, I haven't seen it. Oh, you haven't seen it? Oh, we're gonna have to do that to your office door, right? You can just, Frosted with Elmer's glue and do designs on them. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I couldn't do it. That's not happening, but you can buy that stuff on Amazon. But, so how does this impact our kids? So the disruptions to the routines is the big one, right? These are, there are abrupt changes and it just leads our kids to feeling disoriented a lot of times and anxious, right? And we would think why would they be anxious, right? But it's this absence, a consistent schedule. It doesn't give them a sense of stability. Think about it. Some of these kids, they, Eat not they eat at school. Yeah before the government ended the free lunches for everybody.

5:49 I know stupid so annoying anyway But some of these kids they go to school and that's where they get their lunches So for some kids it can cause like food insecurity Yeah, or the it's taking away their safety space, like if that's a safe space, like if they have a traumatic home life, but just in every day to like regular kids, it's hard to make a huge transition. And like my son is on the autism spectrum and he has a super hard time with transitions. Yes. Like any type of change in his schedule, like he has a very rigid like thinking pattern. And so it's always like a huge shift for us. So that's why I'm very anxious about this. It's I can try to prep and prepare. Prepare and do as much as I can, but it's always like a little dicey, like a couple of weeks.

6:34 And then it also with mine, right? She has this idea that school is ending. So are the routines at home, right? So it's like a free for all. Yeah We're not gonna shower anymore and we're not gonna do dishes and we're not gonna clean up after. No, no Okay, so what are some of the, we were just talking about challenges, what are some additional challenges and why do these kids freak out? Yeah, so boredom, like we talked about maybe social isolation, if they're not seeing their friends as much, lack of stimulation, like education wise too, like they're not reading as much, they're not engaging in math, they're not engaging like in their core functions too, like their handwriting, their hand eye movement and things like that. Yeah, when we used to own the tutoring.

7:16 center. We would call it the summer slide. And these kids would lose so much during the summer because they sat and just watched YouTube videos all day long. And this, this contributes to feeling of loneliness in kids and that affects their overall wellbeing if they feel lost. And it's so interesting. In the last state we lived in, kids wouldn't go play. Here, you see these little kids. Like just playing by themselves. And you're like, where are the parents? Where are the parents? And people are like, yeah, yeah, just go play. And it's such an interesting thing to see state by state and city by city, how we look at kids playing, right?

7:58 Like we have that busy road down the way that is considered a 55 and up. And there's kids that jump off the bridge into the river. And we're like, is that safe? What's happening? It's very interesting too. There's a lot of those like TikTok videos too, that are like in Asian culture, young kids take themselves to school. Like they ride the bus, like they go and do like chores, like on, they go down to the store and get stuff for dinner. Like they cook and people are like, what's wrong? Or people talk about their experience of going to live over there and seeing children. And they get all anxious and worried until they start realizing like, That's normal for their culture over there. I love that one video of the Asian, there's two little boys.

8:39 One's really tiny. One looks like he's four and he's like cooking with oil and he's frying like eggs and stuff. People are freaking out, right? Everybody in the U. S. is what? And it's, he's got to burn himself. I think so. a lot of the times we like overcompensate for our kids and baby them like in our culture in a way and that can hold them back from learning responsibilities. And I don't want to say we need to push all this responsibility on them, but giving them more responsibility, giving them age appropriate chores and things and tasks can be like so beneficial. I find like my son will be like, I can't do this. I can't do this. But then when I'm like, Hey, do this, Hey, do this. Hey, show me you can do this. He like gets so excited.

9:20 I'm like, follow me around, like helping me around the house. Also because I'm spending time like engaging with now. And so I think it's important to maybe give our kids a little bit more freedom and a little bit more responsibility at the same time during summer. And that might help us in a way. Yeah, maybe. You see my kid in the backyard cooking. With some hot oil. With some hot oil. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. Yeah. Okay. But all of this can also heighten like stress and anxiety in kids, right? With the transition, the uncertainty, adapting to a new routine, adapting to a new schedule. And same here too, like where we live in our state. It stays a light out until 11 p. m. at night. At night. Yeah, at night. So it's so hard to get a good routine going during the summer because it's like, it's light outside.

10:04 And I even lose sense of time because of that. And so does my kid. And he's, it's light outside. I don't need to go to bed. And I'm like, it's 9 p. m. Our first year here. We were out, it was still like May or something, and our first year here, we were out in the front yard playing soccer at 10 o'clock at night, screaming and yelling. And then I realized it's 10 o'clock at night, crap, everybody else is sleeping, go run in the house quick. It wasn't us being jerks. Yeah. So how does this transition from school to summer impact caregivers and parents and grandparents and things like that? It's crazy. It is the it's the impact, right? It's this adjusting responsibilities.

10:45 It is trying to figure out how do you get the kids ready before your eight o'clock meeting? If you're leaving for work, what are they doing? It is trying to balance all of this. And we've talked about it in our kin keeping series, right? This mental load that us as moms, that we're trying to. Navigate them. It's stupid things controlling the fricking wifi password. Or finding extra daycare or childcare or setting up summer camps. I was just thinking that the other day, like, why am I the only one signing him up for summer camps? Why is my partner not doing research on this? Like why? And I was like, here, help me find stuff. It's not help me. No, yeah. It was just like, here, do this too.

11:25 Like not asking for help. Yeah, yeah, but it is also it is there's so much that we do as moms to make sure that this happens So it's hard when you have little ones And then when you have older ones, you want to make sure that they're not up till three in the morning or they're not sleeping till noon. And so who's going to take care of that? Yeah, exactly. It's my daughter quit her job. She's a teenager and I'm like, now you need something else to do. She's like laying around the bed and I'm like, Oh no, I don't think so. We're not going to do this. This summer, but like all of this can really take an emotional toll on us as women, as caregivers, as parents and cause burnout. And that affects our, yeah, that affects our relationship with our kids.

12:07 It affects our relationship with our partners, our friendships. Oh, and then the whole mom guilt thing, which I think is complete crap, but we all get this feelings of guilt or inadequacy or I don't know how these people take off and go camping all the weekends and how they can either a of. All of that how can they take the time to go do that? It's just so hard to try to rein in and provide this stimulating activity Or even better is when you think it's going to be a stimulating activity and they fucking hate it Oh my god, I paid this last weekend I did this amazing art thing. That's so cool.

12:48 I'm gonna take you next time. Yeah, she was like no Did she complain the whole time? That's what my kids She sat there and looked like I told her she had to go pick up the dog poop. It was torture. She hated it. It wasn't her thing. Oh, okay. And I'm like, I just paid. Almost 200 for this really cool art experience. We were like hammering copper and enamelling it with glass and putting it in a kiln. And she's no thanks. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, I was like, you can go sit in the car and I'll just do yours and mine. Seriously. But so that's really frustrating because I took the time to do that. And I was like, What am I going to do with you this summer then?

13:28 What are we going to do here? Okay. Okay. So how do we support our mental health? And that's going to be like some strategies for our mental health, our kids mental health. And then we're going to give some tips here, guys, on what we do, because I've got some things I recommend. Yeah. So strategies for supporting our mental health as parents and women is start setting up a new routine. Like creating a summer routine. Can provide your child and yourself a good form of consistency. So like mealtime, sleep schedules, daily activities, and that helps me too. I like to stress plan. And so if you saw like my itinerary I made for when we went on a family vacation, you'd understand.

14:12 It doesn't mean you have to hold to it stringently, but for me, just. Outlining the day so I know that we have a plan in place helps me if I feel if I'm spinning out of control or if I don't know what's going on that day and then my kids too can look at the schedule and if they're younger I always suggest too like making like a visual schedule and stuff too so they can be like okay it's time for cartoons or it's time for snack or it's okay now I can have iPad time or whatever. So in, in our laundry, in our pantry, I have a big board where I have Monday through Friday weekend, and what I'll do is I will check in with my spouse and be like, okay, what's the plan? What are we doing this week? What do we want to cook?

14:53 Because we got to put it on the board. It's always Or we forget. Or we forget. It's a rough idea. Okay. And. Who's cooking? That way, okay, great. We put on who's cooking and we might put on for the weekend if we have activities or something going on. And I take that on and that's fine, but it helps my daughter go, okay, I'm hungry. Ooh, dad's going to make his meatloaf tonight. So I'm not going to eat a bunch of crap. I want to eat that. Okay. Yeah. And so that helps her kind of figure out that. Yeah. The other thing we do is we, I call it buttoning up the house. Because it does stay light here till 11 o'clock, we start after dinner, we I close the blinds even though it's still light out.

15:39 I turn on my soft lamps. Yeah, so creating that kind of dark and quiet dampened environment. Yeah. Just signaling that it's time to slow down and relax. And, and I call it button, putting the house to bed. I like that. And that way they get the idea because it's so hard, even if you have blackout curtains to be like, Okay, go to bed. You need a time to unhook, unwind. Same thing, like they say, like you're supposed to put down like your electronics like an hour before bed. Good luck with that. Okay. Yeah, but that and what can also help with this is encouraging like physical activity to during the day, engaging your kids in outdoor activities, social interactions, like going to the park or things like that and hobbies to combat that boredom, that isolation and promoting positive mental health and like getting all that wiggle out and that thing.

16:30 So when it is at the end of the day, and like Jess said, like she's buttoning down the house, like your kids aren't like all of a sudden amped up because they haven't gotten their energy. They get the zoomies out and they're like running around the house. I realized I just need to walk my kid 10 miles every day at Disneyland for him to sleep at night. Yeah, no, no problem. You should just have him walk here and then we can just walk back. I recently got one of those outdoor hammocks. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I also totally fell out of it and it was really hilarious. That's why I'm laughing. Sorry. Okay. So with the hammock, I was gonna think maybe I should get another hammock and then we can sit outside and read. Yeah. Because I could read and she can read and it's engagement. It's something different.

17:11 Yeah. It's outdoors. It's getting some sunshine. I did that too. I got some loungers for outside because I wanted to lay out in the sun. vitamin D. And I forced the kids to go out there with me and at first they're like but like just laying out there in the sun and just like hanging out and then they'll start like playing on playing with the dogs and getting on the playground equipment and stuff. And it's so it works like having that. Forced time outside. We call that forced family fun in our house. It's forced family fun. Yeah, like we have all of the gigantic tic tac toes for the yard. We've got the huge jingas. We just need to actually move it out there. Go outside and use it. Yeah. And I think with that, like actually getting outside and setting down electronics and stepping out and changing like your scenery like that also helps promoting communication with your kids.

18:01 And that's So talk to you. About things that they're feeling or if they are feeling. Or lonely or having anxiety or bored. And then maybe you can have that conversation and talk about ideas and maybe what they want to do too. And I always do that to ask my kids what do you want to do for summer? What's your summer bucket list and things like that. And maybe we can do a few of these. We'll do one for you and one for your sister. And that makes them feel included in the conversation. That'd be so fun to write a summer bucket list and actually have a bucket.

18:42 And then every time you do it, put Put that little piece of paper in the bucket. That's cute. I like that idea. Yeah, that'd be really cute to actually be like, okay, maybe a jar. Yeah, like a physical thing where you could see it, though, and implement it. If you're gonna actually do it, because if you're not, then it looks like it sucks and you gotta hide it. But if you're gonna do it right, you're gonna be like, Ooh, I don't know what happened to that thing, man. Okay, so let's now talk about how are we gonna give our students Take care of our own mental health as caregivers. Self care is so important and we've talked about this time and time again, but it's very hard to implement it. Even Jess and I as therapists have a hard time taking time for ourselves and implementing self care because we do take on those roles as kin keepers and the mom guilt and things like that.

19:25 And we need to shake it off. And encourage ourselves and our friends to take care of our well being through our own activities that we enjoy doing, like making time if it's, if it's a brunch with your girlfriends, or if it's just reading a book in a hammock, or if it's taking a night away and staying in a hotel down the road, whatever that looks like, and having support from whether that's your friend, your sister, your brother, your family, whoever that is, but that they are also checking in with you to during the summer. And I think that's an important too, for us to say to our partners, we need to be checking in with each other during the summer and making sure we're both Taking care of these children that are ours together as well as taking care of our relationship Yes, because I was joking earlier, but it really has come up several times this week that I have so many parents are like Great.

20:22 Now we're not gonna have sex for three months because, A, I'm too tired at night and we always when the kids go to school, but they ain't going to school. And so it's one of those taking care of each other to make sure that, are we getting a date time? Because my husband and I, we do date times on a Friday morning, right? We'll take off and go have breakfast or, Go see movie. We'll do something that's just us. A couple times a month. We've done that since she was little. So it's like during the summer. It's what are you gonna do? Do you need a babysitter? Do go over to a friend's? Are they going to grandma's? What's happening so you can still get that time in? We send her across the street to her friends and then we're like All right, let's go.

21:03 This is all the time we got. Let's get it. And I think they do the same thing They're like, hey, why don't you come over here? And we just swap kids or something without actually saying because you don't get time with your spouse Yeah, and especially a lot of us that live away from our families and stuff like that's very hard I have some friends who are very fortunate they have like family and friends nearby and or family and grandparents like on both sides and they're just like We just went on vacation together by ourselves. And I'm like, what's that? I haven't done that in 15 years. But, yeah. And some, and a lot of people who don't have neurodivergent children, it's as they get older, it's easier. But when you have a neurodivergent child, something on the spectrum, or a special needs child, leaving them behind is not usually an option.

21:48 No, they go with you everywhere. And so you're like, eh, okay, fine. Here we go. We're just going to keep. So that's why it is important to find those little pockets of time for yourself and your partner to keep that relationship healthy because there's so many ways that can burn you out. Yeah. One of the trips, tick, trips, ticks, trips, what is it? Tricks and tips and life hacks. There you go. Oh my gosh, that was so hard We have our child do steps before she can get online. Oh, I Got her It's like a generic one Amazon for 25 bucks.

22:29 Yeah, and she has to do a certain amount of steps in the day before she can jump online. Because otherwise, that kid was getting up at five in the morning to start her morning to get online. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, mine, my eight year old will too. And so I have her do 5000 steps, right? Because literally, you can get that just go walk the dogs. Now you've got some exercise, go jump on your trampoline, you've got some exercise. And I think that's good when you establish those Let's call them boundaries because they are and they and rules that they have to be met. Then they know what is it is expected of them. And you can go back to that too. If there's an argument or they're pushing against it, listen, we agreed on this.

23:10 We decided on this. This is what needs to be done. And so you do have that structure in place. So you're not. hitting heads over and over again because I can find, I find that when my kids are home I'm just like, Oh, like I said this I'm just going to be like, refer to rule number. That is a very love and logic way of doing a contract. Yeah. But there's nothing wrong with saying, okay, this is how it's going to look, get their buy in 5, 000 steps. We try to do an hour on an hour off. Fine. After your 5, 000 steps, do an hour on, and then go do an hour off of Legos or whatever it is that you want to do, and then you can do an hour on. And that way, I don't have a kid who's been online for 14 hours a day, because that's just going to melt her brain.

23:53 And then I get a cranky kid. And the other thing is making sure, have you eaten? Because man. Kids will not eat if they're online. Oh, no. And I forget to eat too during the day. So now I got to remind my kid to eat. Well, I'm better at feeding my kids than I am at feeding myself. Also the same thing that goes for us too. Are we getting enough water? Are we getting enough nutrition? Are we getting enough protein? And same thing for our kids. My kids are snackers. They like to snack. So I have to make sure like that there's healthy options in the house. So it's. It's just not just like carbs and sugar because that makes my ADHD kid go, whoo, it makes me do the same. And so for that one, I always learned that if we have grapes, wash them, put them in a colander, leave them on the counter.

24:34 Those little suckers disappear if you wash them and put them in the fridge, give I find healthier options. The kids will take them. I always do. Do that like at birthday parties and stuff too. I always get like a fruit tray and like a vegetable tray and I am always so surprised the kids usually go for it and eat it like they will pick that option. It's just like you have to make it like appealing like in a way too and we'll do charcuterie boards and stuff too like for the kids and they'll be like, Oh, this is so cool because I have some different options, but they end up eating it all. Yeah, and it's just really putting it out for them. It's so simple that yeah, the apples are there, but the minute I cut the apple up, the apple gets eaten. It is setting up some healthier snacks and things so they will eat healthy, and they will, and you do too, because otherwise they all go for the fruit snacks, which really aren't fruit.

25:19 And so it is setting up for success. Exactly. And it is planning and it is. And if you don't have time to cut the apples, ask your spouse, can you cut the apples? Or buy the pre cut apples? Like I've learned to do, I used to be like, I don't want to pay the extra for this. I know I can do it. I can cut it up and put it in little bags. I can meal plan. No, I'm not going to do it. Okay. I understand. I'm not that type of person. I'm not going to do it. So it's okay. I'll be like, I will buy the pre done snacks so that they have the smaller portions, the easier options. They can grab it. out of the fridge or out of the basket in the pantry and go and that has helped me being like, okay, and I'm okay paying a little bit more for that snack and just letting it help me like along the way.

26:02 And that works. It is setting stuff up. If your kids are going to be home, right? Setting up some rules and some boundaries. Also parents, please don't be afraid to. Use the Wi Fi like I've got Google Wi Fi. We have set up the family network We have ours that turns off like at a certain time And my son still melts down every day when it goes off and i'm like, that's just the way it is. Someday you'll learn And the thing is that It takes the power away from you telling them to get off. It's just done. It's just done. 10 o'clock, sorry, it goes off. I was in the middle, I'm sorry, it's set up that way, I can't change it. Yeah, my 8 year old, he doesn't understand time as much as some of the older kids, but I'm like, for the older kids, I'm like, let's type.

26:45 Time management that you have to learn that look at the clock and you only have X amount of time to either finish a show or finish a game or whatever and If I have to hear I'm almost done with this round one more time, I might actually just start pulling out my eyebrows Oh, yeah. No, the little one was yelling the other day, but this round I can't pause it. I'm fighting a boss I don't even know what that means. Okay Yeah, you're going to fight a boss in a minute. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We're going to have a showdown right now. But when you set up the time on your wifi, if you set it up and set up all of their stuff on that, you don't have, I don't have a fight anymore because she got mad the first couple of times I warned it was coming.

27:27 I warned her and I didn't want to have to, I was like, I can do this parenting thing. And guess what? It's on there. It's another boundary. It is what it is. But then, like you said, you've taken it off of yourself and you're like, that's just our rule for the house and this is what it is. So be mad at the Wi Fi being off, but yeah, sorry. That's just what it is. Sorry, not sorry. Yeah. Yeah. And then another important factor too, is to seek professional help. If you are recognizing that you are having a really hard time or your kids are having a hard time, Reach out to somebody that you can talk to. Give yourself that space. safe space, even if it's just a vent, it's not, don't think it needs to feel like the end of the world.

28:08 Don't get to the end of your rope before you talk to somebody. And the cool thing is with telehealth now, you can go sit in your closet while your kids are on their iPad out in the living room and you can talk to your therapist to say, I'm going to bed. Bonkers with that. Do you know how many moms would either get in their car or call me like from their closet and stuff just to talk to me? I have seen so many closets. I have seen so many cars as long as you're clothed and you are Just like their kids are coming in and they're like, hold on mom's on a call, right? You know they're playing a game in the other room and they're like 15 more minutes and it's like Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and that is a okay. It is a okay So it is okay to be anxious that school is ending And that summer is coming.

28:53 It is okay to also be excited, right? It is, is just try to do the best you can breathe, stretch, go hide in your closet if you can. Yeah. Utilize these tips and tricks and strategies to navigate this summer with self awareness and hopefully less meltdowns for you and your kid and Feeling great during the summer and reducing your anxiety about feelings, about having your kids home. And am I good enough? Am I doing enough? And try to maintain your boundaries and your consistency. Make that routine so you can rely on it. Everybody can rely on it.

29:34 Jess said, she made that the schedule on her pantry. We have one on our fridge. We have a whiteboard on our fridge. We're very visual and it's like we can all check in with it and see what's going on. This helps communication and your sanity. It does. All right guys, we'll see you next week.