Overcoming Stonewalling for Stronger Relationships

Randi: 0:14

Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast with Randi and Jess. We're two licensed psychotherapists and we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges and how it's all normal.

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You are not alone. In today's episode, we're going to tackle a topic that is quite challenging in most relationships and impacts our mental health, stonewalling.

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We'll define what stonewalling is, trace its origins, discuss how it affects women's mental health, and most importantly, share some empowering techniques to cope with

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it. Plus, we'll explore ways to support friends and family members dealing with

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stonewalling. Find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com.

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Have you ever had these thoughts? What is stonewalling? Why do people stonewall in relationships?

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How can I recognize stonewalling when it's happening?

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Is stonewalling a form of emotional

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abuse? How can I address stonewalling with my

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partner? Can stonewalling be

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fixed? Is there any alternative communication techniques to replace stonewalling? How

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can I prevent stonewalling from happening in the first place?

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How does stonewalling impact other areas of my life?

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Is stonewalling ever justified? Before we dive in, let's first start with the basics. What is stonewalling?

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So stonewalling is a communication behavior where one person in the relationship refuses to engage or participate in a conversation. This often happens during conflicts or difficult discussions, so we will often call this the silent treatment. Or freezing somebody out. Yeah. And a lot of times, somebody's phone or social media will come into play. They will use it to dissociate and distract themselves.

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this also is when they avoid eye contact or they'll just shut down emotionally. it's like trying to have a conversation with a wall right, is why we call it stonewalling. it can be frustrating. It can be hurtful. But where did this behavior really come from, Randy?

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So stonewalling has deep roots in human communication and psychology. It can be traced back to our primal instincts for self preservation. So like we were talking about like a fortress or a wall It's a way for individuals to withdraw and protect themselves from either like a trigger or emotions that they're feeling, but it can really be detrimental to relationships and mental health.

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it seems like it comes from fear of vulnerability or an inability to handle conflict. It could even be past unresolved issues that have been swept, under the rug, Which is what the triggering

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does. Right. So exactly. It's like a defense mechanism that is either triggered by fear. Like you said, vulnerability, anxiety, a sense of being overwhelmed, or even a sense of being out of control or

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flooded. That's another one to be

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flooded. in today's relationships, it can be very destructive and abusive

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It is a form of abuse. Yes. stonewalling them, shutting them out, ignoring them. Right.

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Dissociating from what's happening. And it just leads to unhealthy communication and toxic behavior.

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So who coined? stonewalling where did it come from?

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there's a very prominent couples therapist, Dr. John Gottman. And he first talked about this thing, called the four horsemen. Which are behavioral predictions of divorce or breakup. And those are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. these are really destructive natures that got their name from the four horsemen of the apocalypse because they can just come in and reduce a relationship to ash.

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So it does reference the Christian religion but it is not a Christian based theory. No. Often women place a really high value on emotional connection and communication in their relationships. Whether these are friendships, these are significant others, We place a high value on these.

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So when we experience stonewalling, it triggers feelings of rejection, emotional pain, or even heightened anxiety, which can lead to increased depression and self doubt. And it really can take a toll on your self worth and your Self

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esteem. Self esteem. Thank you. She's like, what is that word called?

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What's that word? I don't know. And so that's why it's important to recognize when this is happening, because all these things can kind of snowball into this effect when stonewalling happens, because we do value what our partners think.

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And if we're ADHD or anything else that has rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and we've talked about that before, this is going to be a huge trigger because let's repeat what Randy just said, that it leaves us feeling unimportant, dismissed, and questioning our own worth. And if we already have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, that's just going to knock it out. We're just going to be like, Oh, that's it. Even if it's only for two

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seconds. And if this is something that happens daily, weekly, even monthly with somebody in your life, this exposure over and over again to this toxic type of behavior can really erode a woman's self esteem and confidence. so that's why we are talking to address.

Jess: 5:52

And again, stonewalling is a form of abuse and it's really hard when I'm working with people to say, well, what this behavior is, is abusive. This is emotionally abusive behavior. Nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that. And nobody wants to say, oh, my partner's abusive. the behavior that your partner is doing right now, or the behavior that your friend is doing. The stonewalling is abusive. Does that make them abusive? Abusive. Abusive. Not necessarily if we can say their behavior is abusive and sometimes when you can point that out to the other person then we can learn or show them different coping skills. And so what kind of coping skills can we do, or how can women cope when they're getting

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stonewalled? Importantly is communication. So encouraging that open dialogue about feelings and needs with your partner and then setting boundaries and boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And it's one of our most downloaded episodes. It's. So important. And to not only have the other person understand where you're coming from, but also hold yourself responsible for what you want in your life. And so this sets up how you prioritize your mental health wellbeing. One, setting boundaries and communicating your needs assertively. Yes.

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It is okay to say that doesn't work for me. It is okay to say that behavior is not okay. No is a complete sentence. I've always telling people that even though it's so hard for us to say no.

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And it's not your responsibility to justify somebody else's behavior. It's not your responsibility to take on somebody else's behavior. You do not own their behavior towards

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you. I will say unless you're being a dick. Well, okay, if you're being a dick, then okay, maybe your behavior, how they respond is still on them. It does

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take two to tango, right? It takes two to communicate. So you also need to look at what you're doing. But if you are trying to bridge that gap, and you are trying to take these steps, and you're hitting that wall again and again, What can you do in

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going back to you are not responsible for their behavior? You're not responsible for how somebody responds to you. It's important to focus on building your own self worth and your own Self confidence, go through and surround yourself with a supportive network of friends family Professionals therapists you know, we love therapists Sometimes. people who can uplift and validate your experiences that's the huge piece is when you can talk about this and get validated

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you can ask your friends. I will often ask am I in the wrong in this am I the one being a dick? Am I the one being an a hole because sometimes you can't see clearly so I will ask my friends level with me Don't tell me what I want to hear. You know, Am I being a jerk? Okay. Well, maybe yes or totally no Okay so I did take the right path with this, or maybe I need to communicate this differently, or maybe I need to try this instead. So ask people objectively, too, if you feel like you are not seeing the whole picture sometimes.

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Exactly. Don't post it on Facebook that your partner's doing this. We're not trying to throw people under the bus, but we want to teach you how to be assertive and advocate for yourself. And of course, what Randy and I are always talking about is self care. It is so It's important when you're going through these challenges to use self care, go and engage in activities that bring you joy. I don't know what that is for you, whether it's going to take an art class or it's going on a walk. It doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't have to be something that's this huge event.

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when you feed yourself with care, when you take care of yourself, it makes you a better person. It makes you a better friend. It makes you a better partner, makes you a better worker, whatever it is. When you fill that cup, you're able to cope with these things in a healthier way.

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You really do deserve to prioritize your own mental health and well being above everything else. The other part too is also remember to seek professional help as a couple and an individual when you go to therapy for couples, if you have a good couples therapist, Randy's rolling her eyes already, but if you have a good couples therapist, they can provide you valuable insights and strategies to help break the stonewalling cycle. And it really does help to have a professional point out what's happening. they can go, yes. That's abusive behavior. The partner who is being abusive or using stonewalling can look at it and go, Oh, okay, and they can make that choice to make those changes.

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So how can we support a friend or family member who we might see is dealing with stonewalling in their relationships?

Jess: 10:54

I really think we should approach them with what we call empathy and understanding, Being kind is so huge in this world. They're already struggling. And if we point out that their partner is being abusive, that may turn them off.

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They may get defensive. Because

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they love him. He's great. This is great. Or they love her and she's great. That's true. But the behavior, and that's what we want to say, is the behavior of stonewalling is abusive. They

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might have 50 other great... Characteristics, but this one is dragging you down and it needs to be addressed. And that's the thing. It's not the whole person. It's not their whole being. Sometimes it is usually, like you said, it's one thing that's happening that is just triggering all these other things. And. It's okay to address it but to let your friend or family member know that you're there and support them You don't always have to point that out that this is the thing that's happening and I think you need to fix this You know right now Just be like i'm here for you if you're going through anything or if you need a safe place to talk or a safe place to land. So be a listening ear without judgment.

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Be there and just listen to them and really just open up a safe space for them because as we can educate them about what's happening and give it a word, sometimes they don't understand it and it can be really eye opening if we can gently open up the dialogue of this is stonewalling. This is what it's doing. This is where it comes from. Let's talk about how to have a healthy communication and a healthy connected relationship.

Randi: 12:35

Yeah. And it's good to, to encourage your friends, like it's okay to go to therapy. I go to therapy. Therapy is cool. Whatever you want to say. You know, The funny shit my therapist said or go to a support group or even just going out with your friends and talking about things or what I always love to do is. offer assistance and finding resources. If I can't be there for somebody or I have a friend or family member that lives on the other side of the U. S. I will be like, what can I research for you? Can I get you a book that will help? Can I find a website that will help you? Anything that might make them feel like they can be a little bit more educated and in control of the situation.

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And always remind them that they are not alone, that they deserve healthy, respectful communication in their relationships.

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And that includes friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships. I

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was just thinking like even relationships with your

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boss, like your peers. Yeah. They can. And it's like mean girl mentality. And who wants to deal with that? a lot of people use this as a form of communication and it's very toxic.

Jess: 13:46

Well, because it's manipulative and that's really what it is, is that stone walling is a form of manipulation. And that's why it's abusive because you're saying, I'm not going to talk to you. because either I don't like what you're saying, I don't want to hear it, but if we can look at it as also a form of this is how they're protecting themselves. They're again, not all of these people who use stonewalling are abusive people, but it is an abusive behavior.

Randi: 14:11

Yeah. But also, like you said, also having Empathy for maybe why is this person triggered when I want to talk about this or we get in this argument and this is their behavior. So if you can go back and understand that person's triggers or their trauma and have a deeper understanding of maybe why it's happening from the other side and a different perspective, it also makes you a more effective communicator. Exactly.

Jess: 14:39

And so one tip would be like sometimes I'm like, let's go, let's have this conversation right now. I want to have this conversation right now. And my spouse is like, I need a minute. Let me think about what you're saying. so if you're going, I need it now, now, now, and your partner is like, uh, I can't process. this or I need time to process

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this. Right, And you're pushing them in the corner and for an answer, you're going to get that kickback. Mm hmm. You know, So it's like understanding, too, like how do you both communicate, whether that is a boss, a friend a partner, and meeting each other where you're both at. Okay, I understand you want to talk about this right now, but how about you give me 30 minutes and we'll.

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And you have to come back in 30 minutes. And here's the thing. Even if you come back in 30 minutes and you're like, I'm still mad, I can't talk about this or I still need to think about it. It's okay to come back and say, I know we said 30 minutes, however, I still need some more time. Can we talk about this tomorrow night?

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And again, communicating. Yes. That's what communicating is. So even if you can't meet that partner or friend's needs right then, at that very moment, you're expressing, I cannot do this. Let's pause this and come

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back to it. And that is how you have a healthy communication versus, I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to shut down and ignore them and not

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make eye contact. And also respecting your own boundaries with what you can handle in the moment and knowing, I know if I talk to them right now, this is going to blow up or I'm not in the right head space for this.

Jess: 16:14

Or I might say something that I'm going to regret. Right. Sometimes when we're angry or they always say Oh, when they're drunk and they say the truth. It doesn't come out very well. It may be a true statement, but it doesn't come out very nice. thank you for joining us on another episode of Women's Mental Health Podcast. Remember, you are strong. You deserve love. And you are capable of creating healthy and fulfilling relationships.

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The journey of overcoming stonewalling may not be easy, but you have the power to reclaim your voice and find healing. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, share it with friends who may benefit and leave us a review. We're here to support you on your journey to improve mental health and wellbeing. And join us next time for another empowering discussion on topics that matter most to you. Until

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then, take care of yourselves, be kind to one another and prioritize your mental well being. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. We're here cheering you on every step of the way.