Transcript
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Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast, where Randy and Jess, two licensed psychotherapists, and we talk about women's mental health, well being and strategies for coping with all of life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal.
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This
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episode, we are going to try to explain teenage behavior before leaving home and its impact on women's mental health, and try to provide some insights into strategies for coping with
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this.
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We understand that navigating these challenges of parenting can be so overwhelming.
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Experiencing.
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X.
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Especially when it comes to understanding why our teens are acting out before they're getting ready to leave.
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And we're talking about this time right now, which is second semester of senior year.
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We
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started talking about this because I was talking to Jess about what I was going through and she was like, this is a thing.
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And I was like, it is, I'm not alone in this, like, tell me more about this.
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And then she already knew about it.
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And then I started researching about it and we were like, Oh my gosh, we need to talk about that.
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Yeah.
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So we're going to dive in and explore this whole life phase together and hopefully we can help support you through this.
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Okay.
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So find us and more resources on women's mental health podcast.
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com.
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Have you ever had these
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thoughts?
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Why do some teens engage in such risky or challenging behavior right before leaving home?
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How can I tell if what my teenager is doing is normal or if there's more serious issues?
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What are some strategies that I can use to really address these challenging behaviors in my teen?
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Should I worry if my teen is experiencing with substances?
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How can I support my teenager's mental well being during this super tough
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time?
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Is it normal for my teen to distance themselves from family and spend more time either in their room or with their friends right now?
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And what role does autonomy play in a teen's development?
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And this is very important because I have a hard time with this, like letting go so that they have the choice, but giving boundaries for them too.
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And that's, that's a really important
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question.
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And it is, it's so hard right now at this age, because you're like, I want to give them space, but I don't want to feel like.
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I'm abandoning them.
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And so how do you figure out what you need or don't need with them?
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How can I prepare my teen for the challenges of leaving home and going to college?
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And
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what should you do if your teenager's behavior has really become concerning or they're becoming a danger to themselves or
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others?
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And then how can I maintain a strong, supportive relationship with my teen?
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during this phase, especially because you don't want to enable them and you don't want to abandon them.
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Right.
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All of these things that happen to
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keep that relationship with love.
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But it's like, it's, did
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you do your damn homework?
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Why am I getting another notice saying you didn't turn something
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in?
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Exactly.
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Like, why are you prioritizing like your friends over this or your family?
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And what
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do you mean you're not going to school today?
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Exactly.
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What, what, what are you talking about?
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You have.
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Four months to go.
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Let's do this.
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We're at the finish line.
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Let's not trip at the finish line.
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I actually said that to my daughter this
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week.
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I had a psychology friend because our oldest is already adulthood, right?
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I've already, we did this phase like eight years ago.
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And at the time I had one of my friends say they call it shitting the nest.
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And I was like, what do you mean?
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And I guess that's, there's a better way to say like spoiling the nest.
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She said, no, not what, what he's doing is normal.
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This is called shitting the nest.
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So there's actually a group, I can't remember the birds, but there's these birds.
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And what the babies do is they poop all over the nest to the point where the parents are like, Oh, I'm out.
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You're done.
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You, this is, I can't do this anymore.
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You need to go.
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Huh?
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And that's what the teenagers are doing.
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They're acting out for so many reasons right now because there's this big life change happening.
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Yeah.
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So it's this huge transition and they're just scared and they're fearful.
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So they're acting out.
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Yeah.
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And if it was easy to stay home.
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They would never leave us, right?
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So they're shitting all over us.
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Yes, they're shitting in your nest Right now these behaviors that we're talking about and we're kind of joking.
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Okay, not going to school not turning your homework Sometimes it's the attitude.
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Oh boy.
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Is it the attitude that starts coming out?
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It's it's the you can't tell me what to do and I'm leaving.
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Yeah, I'm almost an adult Pushing the boundaries.
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I'm going to do stuff with my girlfriend or my boyfriend or coming out a little later and let's
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also talk about like hormones, mood swings, their own mental health.
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If they're a female PMS, like all these things coming in to play, their bodies are still developing to their brains are still developing.
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There's all these things that their brains.
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Your child's brains do not stop developing until about 23 to 25.
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Their brains are still trying to grow and develop and figure stuff out.
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But our society says, you're going to be graduating and you're 18.
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You're an adult
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now.
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Yeah.
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We're like, we need to kick you out the door.
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We coddle them now.
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And now we have to like, let them go like that.
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It's not even letting them go.
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It's like pushing them out.
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From a mental health perspective, though, I know a lot of these behaviors, they're influenced by various factors, like you said, the hormones and the peer pressure.
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And I know there's other things that some of these kids have.
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We're not talking about all the kids that have oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder or depression.
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We're talking about just right now, the second semester of senior.
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year.
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So really, it's about the stress and uncertainty of transitioning into this adulthood phase that can also impact their mental health.
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And let's be honest, our parents, the caregivers, whether you're a foster parent, an adoptive parent, a teacher or two, I'm sure that they get pushed back.
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It's really affecting Everybody as a whole.
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And this happens.
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I was so toast and I'll just share.
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I was so done.
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Like, I didn't know if we were going to make it through the end of our senior year.
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I feel like that right now.
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I want to run away.
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Yes.
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Like what?
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Why is this happening?
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I can't handle this.
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Like, I thought life was supposed to get easier.
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Like, my sister has younger kids that are like, she has three And she's like, does it get easier?
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And I'm like, no, there's just new challenges that are different.
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It's just, and that's what I tell parents.
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It doesn't get easier.
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Like after the first year, yes, it gets
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easier.
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Well, you have a better understanding,
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right?
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But it just gets different.
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It's all hard.
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And it just.
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gets different.
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And it's so hard when we're watching our kids go through this really challenging behavior.
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And honestly, they're acting like assholes and really, it's so frustrating to see all this because I wish I could have behaved better, but I was, it was so anxiety provoking for me because I was like, what are we doing?
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Why are we doing this?
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Yeah.
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I've been trying to like temper, like my reaction, but another thing too is like the guilt of it.
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And then I feel like, did I do something wrong?
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Could I have done something different 10 years ago that would have changed this now?
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And then just bringing this up, I'm like, okay, this is normal.
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This is a normal transition.
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It's like teething or learning to walk or something, but yeah, basically they're getting their teeth into adulthood when there's growing pains happening.
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And so we need to be understanding and empathetic of that.
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And I think that's helping me.
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Flip the script in my head and like my expectations of what I expect of my teenager as a senior leaving high school and transitioning.
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And part
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of
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this though is really important to make sure you take care of your mental health.
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And I'm saying because afterwards.
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After this, Randy's I have a massage.
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I was like, good job.
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Good job.
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You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself because they're going to do what they do.
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And I got, we survived.
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We're all three of us.
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Four of us are still here.
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We made it through that challenging time.
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And I do, I will say, I don't know if we would have done it better, but man, night of graduation, we're like, yeah.
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You're driving, we're drinking, and we went and had martinis at this big We're celebrating.
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Yes, we had a big fancy dinner, and I was like, you're driving us home.
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Yeah.
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And dad and I were like, okay, we're gonna have a martini here because man, we made it.
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We were like, oh my god, we made it to the end of
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senior year.
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You've got to prioritize, like, self care in some ways, and Okay, so
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that's not exactly self care.
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That was a celebrating, but that
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wasn't self care.
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Well, okay, so celebrating self care, but Not that part, but another way is really, we have to learn how to help our teenager cope and cope ourselves.
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So what does that include?
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Communication?
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Yes.
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Open communication.
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It's not taking it personal.
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That's actually the huge piece
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as parents.
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And I, being ADHD, I'm very like, I have reactive sensitivity dysphoria, which you guys can search that up on our website because we have talked about it and it's actually one of our most popular podcasts.
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So we tend to jump to conclusions.
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I'm thinking of the office movie to jump to conclusion map and we go straight to the emotional side of it instead of taking a step back and being like, what's really happening here?
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I had a heart to heart with my daughter to like sat down.
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What's really happening here?
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And then she was able.
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We were both crying.
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She's able to tell me what she's frustrated with, how she's feeling.
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And I told her how I'm feeling and why I'm reacting the way I do and reacting out of a place of love and wanting to support her and push her, but understanding to maybe what I was doing was too much because then she was having this.
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Anxiety about not only her own thoughts, but then my reactions too.
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And it's so
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hard because as parents, when they're little, they come to us and we fix it.
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We get a bandaid.
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We do hugs.
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We have the right answers when they're little.
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At this age, we still want to fix it.
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Yeah,
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but we need to teach them how to fix it for them.
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Selves
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and we wanna just do it.
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Like it's just, oh, I wanna wrap my kid in bubble wrap every day is what I say.
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Mm-Hmm.
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I just wanna put her in bubble wrap and protect her Always, all my friends, everybody.
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And it's just so hard because they have to learn some of this stuff.
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And let's face it, some of us have kids that have to learn the hard way.
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I'm one of those.
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mm-Hmm, I have to learn the hard way sometimes.
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My kids are the same
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way.
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Yeah.
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And I tell my teenager too, like I was a late bloomer.
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It took me a while to get things going for myself.
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That's because you're not a late bloomer.
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It's because you're ADHD, right?
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Well, I learned that later.
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Yeah.
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We're not late bloomers.
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We're just, our brands are a little different and they develop different.
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And we do things the hard
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fucking way.
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Right.
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And so that's why.
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Again, it's so important to communicate this with our kids, teach them to communicate with us and also have boundaries, like they need to have boundaries with us, but we also need to have boundaries with them and learning to compromise on
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that.
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I wonder, Randy, if you went through and you validated it with her and you said, hey.
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We just did a podcast on this because we're talking about it and this is a really normal phase to go through.
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Oh, yeah.
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Do you think that she would be like, oh, I'm this is normal for me?
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like I wanted to talk to her about this because I was gonna tell her like we did all this research and like this is Normal and just went through it and then you're not alone And so your friends are probably all going through it and I noticed too like I want to say this is probably true for myself Self.
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And I want to say, I noticed it with my daughter and her friends group.
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They kind of like are pulling away from each other a little bit.
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And I think that that is also a protective thing.
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Like you're losing the support system and you don't have a support system already or you don't know what that's going to look like and changing and there's grief over that.
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There's grief over.
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Losing this phase of childhood, going
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to school every day, knowing exactly how it's going to be laid out.
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Right.
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We've been doing this for 12 years.
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Yeah.
