Feb. 12, 2025

Soiling the Nest: Why Your Teen is Pushing You Away

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Season 4

Is your college-bound teen suddenly moody, defiant, or picking fights? Welcome to soiling the nest—a real and natural part of their transition to independence. In this episode of the Women’s Mental Health Podcast, licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, break down why this happens, how it impacts your mental health, and what you can do to cope. Whether you're feeling hurt, confused, or just plain exhausted, this conversation will help you navigate the messy emotions of this stage with self-care and confidence.

While this shift can feel personal, understanding the psychology behind soiling the nest can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster with empathy and patience. Beyond the household, this behavior also has social and economic impacts, influencing family dynamics, financial planning, and emotional well-being. Learn practical tools to manage your own emotions, strengthen your parent-child relationship, and find resources to help guide you through this transformative stage with confidence.

Whether you're a parent navigating this emotional phase at home or a business leader looking for solutions to prevent disruption in your company, we’ll provide expert insights, actionable strategies, and preventative measures to help you adapt and thrive. Stay tuned for practical tips, professional advice, and real-life examples that bring clarity to this complex topic!

Questions we answer!

Why do some teens engage in challenging behavior before leaving home?

How can I differentiate between normal teenage behavior and more serious issues?

What are some strategies for addressing challenging behavior in teens?

Should I be worried if my teen experiments with substances?

How can I support my teen's mental well-being during this challenging time?

Is it normal for my teen to distance themselves from family and spend more time with friends?

What role does autonomy play in a teen's development?

How can I prepare my teen for the challenges of leaving home?

What should I do if my teen's behavior becomes concerning or poses a danger?

How can I maintain a strong, supportive relationship with my teen during this phase?

#SoilingTheNest #TeenIndependence #ParentingTeens #EmptyNestSyndrome #TeenBehaviorExplained #ParentingChallenges #MentalHealthForMoms #CopingWithChange #FamilyDynamics #RaisingTeensRight #collegebound #collegeboundkids #CollegeBound2025 #NervousSystemSupport #ProtectYourPea

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.


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If this episode resonated with you, we warmly welcome you to explore more empowering conversations on the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Each episode is designed to connect, educate, and uplift our strong and resilient listeners, just like you.

Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.

#Empowerment, #MentalHealth, #BreakTheStigma

Transcript
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Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast, where Randy and Jess, two licensed psychotherapists, and we talk about women's mental health, well being and strategies for coping with all of life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal.

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This

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episode, we are going to try to explain teenage behavior before leaving home and its impact on women's mental health, and try to provide some insights into strategies for coping with

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this.

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We understand that navigating these challenges of parenting can be so overwhelming.

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Experiencing.

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X.

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Especially when it comes to understanding why our teens are acting out before they're getting ready to leave.

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And we're talking about this time right now, which is second semester of senior year.

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We

00:00:46.234 --> 00:00:52.755
started talking about this because I was talking to Jess about what I was going through and she was like, this is a thing.

00:00:52.765 --> 00:00:56.965
And I was like, it is, I'm not alone in this, like, tell me more about this.

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And then she already knew about it.

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And then I started researching about it and we were like, Oh my gosh, we need to talk about that.

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Yeah.

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So we're going to dive in and explore this whole life phase together and hopefully we can help support you through this.

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Okay.

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So find us and more resources on women's mental health podcast.

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com.

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Have you ever had these

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thoughts?

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Why do some teens engage in such risky or challenging behavior right before leaving home?

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How can I tell if what my teenager is doing is normal or if there's more serious issues?

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What are some strategies that I can use to really address these challenging behaviors in my teen?

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Should I worry if my teen is experiencing with substances?

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How can I support my teenager's mental well being during this super tough

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time?

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Is it normal for my teen to distance themselves from family and spend more time either in their room or with their friends right now?

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And what role does autonomy play in a teen's development?

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And this is very important because I have a hard time with this, like letting go so that they have the choice, but giving boundaries for them too.

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And that's, that's a really important

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question.

00:02:12.664 --> 00:02:18.824
And it is, it's so hard right now at this age, because you're like, I want to give them space, but I don't want to feel like.

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I'm abandoning them.

00:02:20.090 --> 00:02:22.889
And so how do you figure out what you need or don't need with them?

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How can I prepare my teen for the challenges of leaving home and going to college?

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And

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what should you do if your teenager's behavior has really become concerning or they're becoming a danger to themselves or

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others?

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And then how can I maintain a strong, supportive relationship with my teen?

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during this phase, especially because you don't want to enable them and you don't want to abandon them.

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Right.

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All of these things that happen to

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keep that relationship with love.

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But it's like, it's, did

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you do your damn homework?

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Why am I getting another notice saying you didn't turn something

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in?

00:03:00.764 --> 00:03:01.354
Exactly.

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Like, why are you prioritizing like your friends over this or your family?

00:03:05.504 --> 00:03:06.094
And what

00:03:06.094 --> 00:03:07.685
do you mean you're not going to school today?

00:03:07.735 --> 00:03:08.634
Exactly.

00:03:09.205 --> 00:03:10.875
What, what, what are you talking about?

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You have.

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Four months to go.

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Let's do this.

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We're at the finish line.

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Let's not trip at the finish line.

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I actually said that to my daughter this

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week.

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I had a psychology friend because our oldest is already adulthood, right?

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I've already, we did this phase like eight years ago.

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And at the time I had one of my friends say they call it shitting the nest.

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And I was like, what do you mean?

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And I guess that's, there's a better way to say like spoiling the nest.

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She said, no, not what, what he's doing is normal.

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This is called shitting the nest.

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So there's actually a group, I can't remember the birds, but there's these birds.

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And what the babies do is they poop all over the nest to the point where the parents are like, Oh, I'm out.

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You're done.

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You, this is, I can't do this anymore.

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You need to go.

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Huh?

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And that's what the teenagers are doing.

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They're acting out for so many reasons right now because there's this big life change happening.

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Yeah.

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So it's this huge transition and they're just scared and they're fearful.

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So they're acting out.

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Yeah.

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And if it was easy to stay home.

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They would never leave us, right?

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So they're shitting all over us.

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Yes, they're shitting in your nest Right now these behaviors that we're talking about and we're kind of joking.

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Okay, not going to school not turning your homework Sometimes it's the attitude.

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Oh boy.

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Is it the attitude that starts coming out?

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It's it's the you can't tell me what to do and I'm leaving.

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Yeah, I'm almost an adult Pushing the boundaries.

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I'm going to do stuff with my girlfriend or my boyfriend or coming out a little later and let's

00:04:45.990 --> 00:04:51.660
also talk about like hormones, mood swings, their own mental health.

00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:59.810
If they're a female PMS, like all these things coming in to play, their bodies are still developing to their brains are still developing.

00:04:59.819 --> 00:05:02.569
There's all these things that their brains.

00:05:02.769 --> 00:05:08.269
Your child's brains do not stop developing until about 23 to 25.

00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:13.170
Their brains are still trying to grow and develop and figure stuff out.

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But our society says, you're going to be graduating and you're 18.

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You're an adult

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now.

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Yeah.

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We're like, we need to kick you out the door.

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We coddle them now.

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And now we have to like, let them go like that.

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It's not even letting them go.

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It's like pushing them out.

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From a mental health perspective, though, I know a lot of these behaviors, they're influenced by various factors, like you said, the hormones and the peer pressure.

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And I know there's other things that some of these kids have.

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We're not talking about all the kids that have oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder or depression.

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We're talking about just right now, the second semester of senior.

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year.

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So really, it's about the stress and uncertainty of transitioning into this adulthood phase that can also impact their mental health.

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And let's be honest, our parents, the caregivers, whether you're a foster parent, an adoptive parent, a teacher or two, I'm sure that they get pushed back.

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It's really affecting Everybody as a whole.

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And this happens.

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I was so toast and I'll just share.

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I was so done.

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Like, I didn't know if we were going to make it through the end of our senior year.

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I feel like that right now.

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I want to run away.

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Yes.

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Like what?

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Why is this happening?

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I can't handle this.

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Like, I thought life was supposed to get easier.

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Like, my sister has younger kids that are like, she has three And she's like, does it get easier?

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And I'm like, no, there's just new challenges that are different.

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It's just, and that's what I tell parents.

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It doesn't get easier.

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Like after the first year, yes, it gets

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easier.

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Well, you have a better understanding,

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right?

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But it just gets different.

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It's all hard.

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And it just.

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gets different.

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And it's so hard when we're watching our kids go through this really challenging behavior.

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And honestly, they're acting like assholes and really, it's so frustrating to see all this because I wish I could have behaved better, but I was, it was so anxiety provoking for me because I was like, what are we doing?

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Why are we doing this?

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Yeah.

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I've been trying to like temper, like my reaction, but another thing too is like the guilt of it.

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And then I feel like, did I do something wrong?

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Could I have done something different 10 years ago that would have changed this now?

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And then just bringing this up, I'm like, okay, this is normal.

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This is a normal transition.

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It's like teething or learning to walk or something, but yeah, basically they're getting their teeth into adulthood when there's growing pains happening.

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And so we need to be understanding and empathetic of that.

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And I think that's helping me.

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Flip the script in my head and like my expectations of what I expect of my teenager as a senior leaving high school and transitioning.

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And part

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of

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this though is really important to make sure you take care of your mental health.

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And I'm saying because afterwards.

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After this, Randy's I have a massage.

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I was like, good job.

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Good job.

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You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself because they're going to do what they do.

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And I got, we survived.

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We're all three of us.

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Four of us are still here.

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We made it through that challenging time.

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And I do, I will say, I don't know if we would have done it better, but man, night of graduation, we're like, yeah.

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You're driving, we're drinking, and we went and had martinis at this big We're celebrating.

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Yes, we had a big fancy dinner, and I was like, you're driving us home.

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Yeah.

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And dad and I were like, okay, we're gonna have a martini here because man, we made it.

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We were like, oh my god, we made it to the end of

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senior year.

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You've got to prioritize, like, self care in some ways, and Okay, so

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that's not exactly self care.

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That was a celebrating, but that

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wasn't self care.

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Well, okay, so celebrating self care, but Not that part, but another way is really, we have to learn how to help our teenager cope and cope ourselves.

00:09:03.750 --> 00:09:05.570
So what does that include?

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Communication?

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Yes.

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Open communication.

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It's not taking it personal.

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That's actually the huge piece

00:09:13.220 --> 00:09:13.690
as parents.

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And I, being ADHD, I'm very like, I have reactive sensitivity dysphoria, which you guys can search that up on our website because we have talked about it and it's actually one of our most popular podcasts.

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So we tend to jump to conclusions.

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I'm thinking of the office movie to jump to conclusion map and we go straight to the emotional side of it instead of taking a step back and being like, what's really happening here?

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I had a heart to heart with my daughter to like sat down.

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What's really happening here?

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And then she was able.

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We were both crying.

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She's able to tell me what she's frustrated with, how she's feeling.

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And I told her how I'm feeling and why I'm reacting the way I do and reacting out of a place of love and wanting to support her and push her, but understanding to maybe what I was doing was too much because then she was having this.

00:10:02.764 --> 00:10:07.544
Anxiety about not only her own thoughts, but then my reactions too.

00:10:07.605 --> 00:10:08.284
And it's so

00:10:08.284 --> 00:10:13.524
hard because as parents, when they're little, they come to us and we fix it.

00:10:13.894 --> 00:10:14.924
We get a bandaid.

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We do hugs.

00:10:16.044 --> 00:10:18.225
We have the right answers when they're little.

00:10:18.465 --> 00:10:21.404
At this age, we still want to fix it.

00:10:21.514 --> 00:10:21.855
Yeah,

00:10:21.894 --> 00:10:24.825
but we need to teach them how to fix it for them.

00:10:24.894 --> 00:10:25.585
Selves

00:10:25.825 --> 00:10:27.235
and we wanna just do it.

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Like it's just, oh, I wanna wrap my kid in bubble wrap every day is what I say.

00:10:30.700 --> 00:10:30.940
Mm-Hmm.

00:10:31.100 --> 00:10:34.705
I just wanna put her in bubble wrap and protect her Always, all my friends, everybody.

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And it's just so hard because they have to learn some of this stuff.

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And let's face it, some of us have kids that have to learn the hard way.

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I'm one of those.

00:10:44.340 --> 00:10:46.784
mm-Hmm, I have to learn the hard way sometimes.

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My kids are the same

00:10:48.149 --> 00:10:48.590
way.

00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:48.919
Yeah.

00:10:48.919 --> 00:10:52.940
And I tell my teenager too, like I was a late bloomer.

00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:56.860
It took me a while to get things going for myself.

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That's because you're not a late bloomer.

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It's because you're ADHD, right?

00:11:00.250 --> 00:11:01.620
Well, I learned that later.

00:11:02.200 --> 00:11:02.340
Yeah.

00:11:02.340 --> 00:11:03.320
We're not late bloomers.

00:11:03.570 --> 00:11:06.509
We're just, our brands are a little different and they develop different.

00:11:06.509 --> 00:11:08.269
And we do things the hard

00:11:08.269 --> 00:11:08.860
fucking way.

00:11:09.090 --> 00:11:09.409
Right.

00:11:09.419 --> 00:11:10.559
And so that's why.

00:11:10.774 --> 00:11:22.485
Again, it's so important to communicate this with our kids, teach them to communicate with us and also have boundaries, like they need to have boundaries with us, but we also need to have boundaries with them and learning to compromise on

00:11:22.485 --> 00:11:22.985
that.

00:11:23.115 --> 00:11:28.004
I wonder, Randy, if you went through and you validated it with her and you said, hey.

00:11:28.455 --> 00:11:33.985
We just did a podcast on this because we're talking about it and this is a really normal phase to go through.

00:11:34.125 --> 00:11:34.774
Oh, yeah.

00:11:34.845 --> 00:11:38.195
Do you think that she would be like, oh, I'm this is normal for me?

00:11:38.845 --> 00:11:53.909
like I wanted to talk to her about this because I was gonna tell her like we did all this research and like this is Normal and just went through it and then you're not alone And so your friends are probably all going through it and I noticed too like I want to say this is probably true for myself Self.

00:11:53.940 --> 00:11:56.830
And I want to say, I noticed it with my daughter and her friends group.

00:11:57.090 --> 00:11:59.929
They kind of like are pulling away from each other a little bit.

00:11:59.950 --> 00:12:04.929
And I think that that is also a protective thing.

00:12:04.980 --> 00:12:15.019
Like you're losing the support system and you don't have a support system already or you don't know what that's going to look like and changing and there's grief over that.

00:12:15.210 --> 00:12:16.090
There's grief over.

00:12:16.419 --> 00:12:19.610
Losing this phase of childhood, going

00:12:19.629 --> 00:12:23.070
to school every day, knowing exactly how it's going to be laid out.

00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:23.470
Right.

00:12:23.529 --> 00:12:25.320
We've been doing this for 12 years.

00:12:25.509 --> 00:12:25.909
Yeah.

00:12:25.929 --> 00:12:27.279
We pretty much know.

00:12:27.860 --> 00:12:29.070
And now it's all unknown.

00:12:29.490 --> 00:12:33.309
And the kids right now, these are kids that four years ago.

00:12:33.690 --> 00:12:36.250
Started school when a lot of schools

00:12:36.250 --> 00:12:37.039
were shut down.

00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:37.850
When COVID happened.

00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:38.279
Right.

00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:38.639
Yeah.

00:12:38.789 --> 00:12:40.110
That was my daughter.

00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:46.710
Her first year of high school was In N Out, In N Out, In N Out, hybrid, really mostly online.

00:12:46.710 --> 00:12:50.240
So, and who knows what's going to happen in the future.

00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:55.820
So they have this also, we don't know if something could happen again and it could throw us off course again.

00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:57.049
Exactly.

00:12:57.080 --> 00:13:02.299
A lot of people just started getting a routine this last year, maybe the year before.

00:13:02.830 --> 00:13:04.769
We're still seeing all these illnesses and stuff.

00:13:04.789 --> 00:13:13.929
I'll get off my soapbox, but people are so sick this last couple of months because we're still adjusting after such a interesting time.

00:13:14.320 --> 00:13:17.558
And I know every state was different and everybody has different beliefs.

00:13:17.558 --> 00:13:21.315
We're not getting into that, but our kids are still not

00:13:21.315 --> 00:13:21.657
normal.

00:13:21.657 --> 00:13:22.340
Mm hmm.

00:13:22.669 --> 00:13:29.470
I think another way too that I've had to think differently about this is having kind of growth mindset about it.

00:13:29.610 --> 00:13:31.399
This is a period of them to grow.

00:13:31.429 --> 00:13:33.799
This is a period of them to find themselves.

00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:40.330
This is a period of self discovery and letting them fail.

00:13:40.914 --> 00:13:44.335
And I like to tell my kids, we've talked about this before, that it's not failing.

00:13:44.465 --> 00:13:46.225
No, it's not failing forward.

00:13:46.865 --> 00:13:50.095
Mistakes are part of life and you learn so much from them.

00:13:50.105 --> 00:13:59.024
So also reminding myself that these mistakes, even though I want to protect her from them, they're essential for her growing into who she is.

00:13:59.034 --> 00:13:59.184
And

00:13:59.184 --> 00:14:01.335
let's be honest, you also want to strangle her for them.

00:14:01.705 --> 00:14:02.024
Come on.

00:14:02.245 --> 00:14:03.975
There are these times where we just like, really?

00:14:04.054 --> 00:14:05.034
And that's really, this

00:14:05.044 --> 00:14:05.565
is what we're doing.

00:14:06.044 --> 00:14:06.544
It's okay.

00:14:06.544 --> 00:14:16.784
Call your friends, your sister, your mom, bitch about it, let it out, vent it, and then go back, talk about it, research it, and then take care of it from yourself.

00:14:16.804 --> 00:14:22.825
Put on your oxygen mask first, find what you need to do to center yourself and then go to your kids and help them work through it.

00:14:22.865 --> 00:14:23.044
Yeah.

00:14:23.134 --> 00:14:26.274
Our oldest was just so angry.

00:14:26.294 --> 00:14:26.715
It was.

00:14:26.914 --> 00:14:31.284
And we were the biggest a holes ever as parents.

00:14:31.544 --> 00:14:32.884
We were holding him to the line.

00:14:32.884 --> 00:14:33.455
This is the rule.

00:14:33.465 --> 00:14:34.804
This is what we were doing.

00:14:35.065 --> 00:14:38.715
Going back, I think I would have been a little softer.

00:14:39.404 --> 00:14:39.794
Yeah.

00:14:39.845 --> 00:14:45.004
A little softer, maybe, but it was just like, we had to just contain this.

00:14:45.394 --> 00:14:47.384
Oh, and that's amazing concept, right?

00:14:47.855 --> 00:14:49.004
Think about containment.

00:14:49.134 --> 00:14:52.065
When we have them as babies, we literally hold them.

00:14:52.085 --> 00:14:54.664
Like I'm holding like an infant, my arm rocking them.

00:14:55.024 --> 00:14:56.754
We're containing them as they get

00:14:57.154 --> 00:14:57.264
older.

00:14:57.264 --> 00:14:59.225
Swaddle them and wrap them

00:14:59.225 --> 00:14:59.884
up.

00:15:00.164 --> 00:15:05.585
And then as they get older, our containment field, our arms get bigger and bigger and bigger.

00:15:05.585 --> 00:15:08.004
So that way we can open up for them.

00:15:08.004 --> 00:15:16.085
And there are times in our lives, nine, 10, whatever that we have to close that circle and contain them more.

00:15:16.674 --> 00:15:25.784
And now We're telling them, peace out, wide open space, see you later, you're 18, what are you going to do?

00:15:26.024 --> 00:15:33.815
But really, it's a time to provide containment with them, but to give them a little bit more, I want to say freedom, that's not it.

00:15:34.195 --> 00:15:36.495
Let them make the choices or the direction.

00:15:36.514 --> 00:15:38.215
Yeah, the autonomy over their

00:15:38.215 --> 00:15:38.845
choices.

00:15:38.855 --> 00:15:41.384
Yeah, and be like, okay, what do you think you want to do?

00:15:41.394 --> 00:15:42.605
What do you think is this?

00:15:43.995 --> 00:15:45.294
Instead of trying to fix it.

00:15:45.495 --> 00:15:46.184
It's hard.

00:15:46.195 --> 00:15:47.154
This is the hardest.

00:15:47.154 --> 00:15:47.294
It's hard.

00:15:47.455 --> 00:15:51.424
Like Bob the Builder, I'm here, just let me tap tap and it's gonna fix it.

00:15:51.434 --> 00:15:53.924
Two, like teachers reach out and their counselors reach out.

00:15:53.934 --> 00:16:00.575
And I have had to tell her teachers and counselors, I am letting her figure this out on her own.

00:16:00.845 --> 00:16:01.585
I have to step

00:16:01.585 --> 00:16:01.985
back.

00:16:02.424 --> 00:16:09.105
We probably, right when they get to be like right before high school as parents, we should probably start having some of our own life.

00:16:10.575 --> 00:16:15.534
So many parents are so still wrapped up in their kids that we don't have our own hobbies.

00:16:15.565 --> 00:16:16.794
And then what happens is we're

00:16:16.934 --> 00:16:18.205
friendships or support

00:16:18.745 --> 00:16:19.075
systems.

00:16:19.274 --> 00:16:23.975
And then what we're worried about is as a parent and moms is that they're going to leave

00:16:23.975 --> 00:16:24.225
us.

00:16:24.434 --> 00:16:24.735
Yeah.

00:16:24.774 --> 00:16:28.394
And empty nest syndrome too on the opposite side.

00:16:28.590 --> 00:16:29.100
It's true.

00:16:29.340 --> 00:16:32.340
And it's also a huge time for people getting divorced.

00:16:32.450 --> 00:16:32.809
Oh yeah.

00:16:32.809 --> 00:16:34.320
You're like, Hey, the kids are out.

00:16:34.330 --> 00:16:36.200
I don't actually like you anymore.

00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:36.623
I don't

00:16:36.623 --> 00:16:37.399
know who you are.

00:16:37.909 --> 00:16:38.220
Yeah.

00:16:38.340 --> 00:16:39.980
I don't know who I am either.

00:16:40.070 --> 00:16:42.759
You have no sense of self.

00:16:42.980 --> 00:16:44.289
That's a whole other podcast.

00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:49.210
So when you have to create distance too, and if you start it earlier on, it's not as

00:16:49.210 --> 00:16:49.820
hard.

00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:51.539
It's not like the slap in the face.

00:16:51.549 --> 00:16:54.500
I'm not saying abandon them and go get a whole hobby and new life.

00:16:54.620 --> 00:16:54.919
Right.

00:16:54.929 --> 00:16:55.480
But I'm saying.

00:16:55.710 --> 00:17:08.440
When you have been, some of these moms who are like, I've been running the sports and driving on travel teams and we've been, you know, club and you're like, wait, who, what, what's my Facebook group now?

00:17:09.420 --> 00:17:13.319
I think it's great if you can find other things to do and still support them.

00:17:13.430 --> 00:17:13.900
Yeah.

00:17:14.339 --> 00:17:16.650
So here's another important point.

00:17:16.829 --> 00:17:22.960
How do we differentiate between this normal average second semester slump and.

00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:25.750
More serious mental health issues.

00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:28.480
Ooh, I like the second semester slump.

00:17:28.779 --> 00:17:30.710
I think it needs, yeah, yeah.

00:17:30.710 --> 00:17:32.210
Second semester slump.

00:17:32.299 --> 00:17:33.329
It's not even pregnancy.

00:17:33.339 --> 00:17:35.920
It's just, oh dear gosh, here we go again.

00:17:36.519 --> 00:17:38.069
So like normal versus.

00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:46.279
When it's concerning, when you should talk to somebody, a therapist or a psychiatrist, or they need more help and support than you can give them.

00:17:46.859 --> 00:17:53.250
Anytime you're concerned, I want everyone out there to follow their gut, really, truly, your mama gut.

00:17:53.250 --> 00:17:56.829
You know, your child better than anybody else out there.

00:17:57.180 --> 00:17:58.809
I want you to follow your gut.

00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:04.279
If you're worried, reach out to their school counselors, ask them, how can I help support

00:18:04.569 --> 00:18:04.650
you?

00:18:04.650 --> 00:18:07.680
Do you have resources I can use things like that?

00:18:07.869 --> 00:18:10.509
Or talk to your kids and say, I'm concerned.

00:18:10.509 --> 00:18:11.839
What is going on?

00:18:12.109 --> 00:18:15.029
And a lot of parents forget that, like, they're still kids.

00:18:15.430 --> 00:18:17.380
And they don't want to look at you like an adult.

00:18:17.460 --> 00:18:18.980
I don't know if y'all remember dating.

00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:24.029
When you went on dates and you're sitting across from a restaurant talking to somebody, it feels like an interview.

00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:24.750
Mm hmm.

00:18:24.799 --> 00:18:25.779
That feels crappy.

00:18:25.829 --> 00:18:34.519
The one that feels better is like when you're next to them walking, strolling along, and you have these like nice fluid kind of organic conversations.

00:18:35.009 --> 00:18:36.480
Your kids are still like that too.

00:18:36.974 --> 00:18:38.105
So bribe them.

00:18:38.125 --> 00:18:39.654
Hey, I'm going to Starbucks.

00:18:39.944 --> 00:18:40.904
Why don't you come with me?

00:18:40.904 --> 00:18:41.174
Yeah,

00:18:41.174 --> 00:18:42.214
I'm going to Target.

00:18:42.224 --> 00:18:43.345
I want to go shopping.

00:18:43.394 --> 00:18:44.585
That's my daughter's love language.

00:18:44.855 --> 00:18:45.345
Okay, so

00:18:45.345 --> 00:18:46.065
say mine is Starbucks.

00:18:46.285 --> 00:18:46.545
Yeah.

00:18:46.545 --> 00:18:50.815
And with your boys who don't want to leave the house, play a game, get some food.

00:18:50.865 --> 00:18:52.714
No, take them to drive somewhere and get food.

00:18:53.025 --> 00:18:53.674
Be like, Hey.

00:18:53.980 --> 00:18:54.549
Are you hungry?

00:18:54.549 --> 00:18:58.220
Let's go here and pick something that's more than five minutes from the house

00:18:58.250 --> 00:19:02.009
or, you know, so you have that time to talk with them and drive in the car.

00:19:02.009 --> 00:19:04.440
And like you said, it's not such a sterile environment.

00:19:04.450 --> 00:19:07.339
It's not, Hey, look me in the eyes and talk to me about this right now.

00:19:07.339 --> 00:19:10.390
It's Hey, let's just, you know, we're just hanging out, just

00:19:10.390 --> 00:19:10.890
hanging out.

00:19:10.890 --> 00:19:12.750
It's called windshield time for a reason.

00:19:12.900 --> 00:19:14.589
I mean, just have that windshield time.

00:19:14.789 --> 00:19:15.970
And if you're concerned.

00:19:16.365 --> 00:19:17.214
Take it up a notch.

00:19:17.265 --> 00:19:22.815
I would rather you be like, I'm worried and let's take a look at it versus ignoring it all the time.

00:19:23.394 --> 00:19:28.025
So what are some other strategies that we can address for these challenging behaviors?

00:19:28.184 --> 00:19:29.355
Well, I think you said it before.

00:19:29.355 --> 00:19:30.474
Randy is empathy.

00:19:30.924 --> 00:19:32.994
You talked about setting boundaries.

00:19:33.244 --> 00:19:37.085
Being empathetic, having this open communication.

00:19:37.285 --> 00:19:39.194
The other part is, what can you do?

00:19:39.204 --> 00:19:40.825
Let's do therapy with Randy for a minute.

00:19:41.855 --> 00:19:43.055
What can you do?

00:19:44.744 --> 00:19:45.654
That's kind of cute actually.

00:19:46.894 --> 00:19:53.724
What can you do right now to encourage something like a healthy coping skill for your daughter without calling it that?

00:19:53.744 --> 00:19:55.335
Because she'll know you're doing therapy.

00:19:55.724 --> 00:19:56.055
She's

00:19:56.085 --> 00:19:56.974
going to be like, don't.

00:19:57.190 --> 00:19:58.089
Don't therapeutize me.

00:19:58.390 --> 00:19:59.670
Yeah, don't therapeutize me.

00:19:59.670 --> 00:20:00.470
Don't therapeutize me.

00:20:00.529 --> 00:20:01.460
I'm not your client.

00:20:01.849 --> 00:20:02.829
I'm your daughter.

00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:09.000
Well, for her too, I usually go to her and I ask her, What can I do to help you?

00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:11.079
What do you need right now?

00:20:11.609 --> 00:20:16.454
And then whether that's like a movie or I say, Do you want to go do one of our things together?

00:20:16.454 --> 00:20:23.105
Like her and I, even though I have other children, her and I one on one time is important for me to take with my kids.

00:20:23.134 --> 00:20:24.285
So I'll be like, let's go.

00:20:24.295 --> 00:20:25.484
We like to do crafts together.

00:20:25.484 --> 00:20:26.914
We like to go to the movies together.

00:20:26.924 --> 00:20:28.234
We'd like to shop together.

00:20:28.494 --> 00:20:33.255
So I'll ask her to do that stuff so that we do have that one on one time.

00:20:33.505 --> 00:20:36.265
And then it's like casual and it's not forced.

00:20:36.275 --> 00:20:40.015
And then I ask her things about her friends and what she's doing right now.

00:20:40.015 --> 00:20:40.954
She likes to game.

00:20:40.954 --> 00:20:41.944
So I ask about that.

00:20:41.964 --> 00:20:43.894
And then I work in.

00:20:44.134 --> 00:20:48.204
Those other things that are important for her to develop.

00:20:48.234 --> 00:20:51.625
And I also let her know, you need these coping skills.

00:20:51.724 --> 00:20:54.575
And I often use myself as an example too.

00:20:54.615 --> 00:20:58.605
I did or did not have this support structure when I was your age.

00:20:58.944 --> 00:21:00.565
And this is why I'm trying.

00:21:00.605 --> 00:21:02.724
I don't talk to her like a baby.

00:21:02.805 --> 00:21:07.204
I talk to her like she is a capable woman, an adult.

00:21:07.615 --> 00:21:10.065
And I think that she respects that more too.

00:21:10.335 --> 00:21:13.884
Well, because she is, and my daughter, she asks for dates.

00:21:14.125 --> 00:21:14.755
She'll do mom.

00:21:14.755 --> 00:21:15.654
We need a date soon.

00:21:15.734 --> 00:21:16.855
Okay, cool.

00:21:16.875 --> 00:21:17.724
What do you want to do?

00:21:17.835 --> 00:21:26.365
And that's just her and I getting out and doing some one on one time, but it's usually just walking around cause we're doing that windshield non direct eye contact

00:21:26.924 --> 00:21:27.595
talking.

00:21:27.805 --> 00:21:29.964
And I think it's important to.

00:21:30.220 --> 00:21:35.420
No, when you said that she's asking you and you're hearing her Mm hmm.

00:21:35.420 --> 00:21:46.589
I think a lot of the times we tell our kids not right now later Busy, I'm overwhelmed I'm stressed and they learn not to come to us then

00:21:46.769 --> 00:21:51.140
and they also learn that that's a really crappy coping skill because that's what They do I'm stressed right now.

00:21:51.329 --> 00:21:54.424
And all they're doing is mimicking what you've shown them They're not

00:21:54.424 --> 00:21:58.454
really getting to the root of why they're stressed or why it's like this blanket.

00:21:58.805 --> 00:22:02.095
So hear your kids when they say, Hey, I want to go.

00:22:02.490 --> 00:22:06.700
Do this or I need this look for the ways that they are reaching out for you.

00:22:06.720 --> 00:22:09.259
It might not sound like that in a certain way.

00:22:09.269 --> 00:22:11.839
It might be like, Hey, can you watch me play Minecraft?

00:22:12.140 --> 00:22:15.589
Hey, can you drive my friends and I to the movies?

00:22:15.589 --> 00:22:27.130
Hey, can you, these are opportunities that you can take to help these behaviors and to help them build coping skills and to build that relationship with your teens so that it's not so explosive.

00:22:27.355 --> 00:22:29.734
Yeah, mine is, we're hosting her friends again.

00:22:29.974 --> 00:22:33.884
She wants, I don't know, five or six of her friends to come over, which is great.

00:22:34.204 --> 00:22:38.224
And they just take over our living room, dining room area and play games that are loud.

00:22:38.224 --> 00:22:39.694
And she's like, can you do that?

00:22:39.694 --> 00:22:40.984
Do you mind providing sandwiches?

00:22:41.164 --> 00:22:42.704
I was like, sure, that's fine.

00:22:42.775 --> 00:22:43.585
We'll be around.

00:22:43.615 --> 00:22:44.775
We'll give you some space.

00:22:44.775 --> 00:22:45.573
We're still within your distance.

00:22:45.573 --> 00:22:46.414
And though it might

00:22:46.565 --> 00:22:48.144
inconvenience you.

00:22:48.509 --> 00:22:51.009
at certain times or be stressful at certain times.

00:22:51.210 --> 00:22:52.349
What is the alternative?

00:22:52.349 --> 00:22:56.339
If you kept saying no, no, no, like, where are they going to go and do these things?

00:22:56.339 --> 00:22:59.940
Where are they going to look for other ways to entertain themselves?

00:22:59.990 --> 00:23:01.309
I think of these things.

00:23:01.430 --> 00:23:03.809
So I've always been like the, yeah, sure.

00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:05.430
Like all your friends can come over.

00:23:05.430 --> 00:23:06.549
Your friends can stay here.

00:23:06.549 --> 00:23:06.880
You're fine.

00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:07.650
You can eat our food.

00:23:07.650 --> 00:23:13.359
I will buy all the snacks because I would rather that than the alternate.

00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:14.240
This way

00:23:14.309 --> 00:23:18.619
at least I can pay attention to what's going on and I know the friends and I can be like, Oh, okay.

00:23:18.619 --> 00:23:21.150
And then you meet the parents at this age because mine don't drive yet.

00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:26.819
But let's talk about what you were leading to is what if they're experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:31.680
And it's really hard because we have so many different states with so many laws.

00:23:31.990 --> 00:23:34.450
Obviously where we are, we're like the last three to

00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.259
not be having, oh my gosh, we live in the backwoods.

00:23:37.309 --> 00:23:37.579
Anyways.

00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:38.589
Yeah.

00:23:38.599 --> 00:23:40.519
We're like the last, by the end of this year, there's going to be like.

00:23:40.684 --> 00:23:48.345
three states that don't have some form of either CBD, marijuana usage, recreation, medical.

00:23:48.355 --> 00:23:49.065
And it's us.

00:23:49.194 --> 00:23:49.674
It's us.

00:23:49.755 --> 00:23:49.954
Yeah.

00:23:49.954 --> 00:23:50.305
We're here.

00:23:50.525 --> 00:23:52.434
A lot of this stuff is legal.

00:23:52.434 --> 00:23:54.674
And I've always said, Hey, are you 18?

00:23:54.674 --> 00:23:55.494
Are you 21?

00:23:55.755 --> 00:23:56.795
Whatever your law is.

00:23:57.055 --> 00:24:02.434
If at 18, if you can smoke pot, that's great at 18, you're legal at 21.

00:24:02.444 --> 00:24:03.974
If you can drink, then you're legal.

00:24:03.994 --> 00:24:07.464
But let's talk about what are the household rules,

00:24:07.765 --> 00:24:08.154
right?

00:24:08.174 --> 00:24:10.285
And also, what are the risks?

00:24:10.355 --> 00:24:12.755
To not only your physical health, but your mental

00:24:12.964 --> 00:24:15.704
health and your brain, the growth, the development.

00:24:15.714 --> 00:24:15.974
So

00:24:15.974 --> 00:24:21.964
being supportive and holding up your rules and boundaries, but also while being not non judge.

00:24:22.644 --> 00:24:26.795
I can't say the word non judge mental, non judge today.

00:24:28.085 --> 00:24:28.555
Real quick.

00:24:28.575 --> 00:24:33.075
I want to go back to say, what are you showing them as your example?

00:24:33.474 --> 00:24:40.494
If you're a smoker, your kid is more likely to smoke if you're a drinker and they've grown up around alcohol and it's been normalized.

00:24:40.509 --> 00:24:42.059
They're more likely to drink.

00:24:42.069 --> 00:24:44.750
And so what are you showing them?

00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:48.599
Some kids grow up and they're like, they've seen you drink and they're like, I'm never drinking.

00:24:48.700 --> 00:24:49.509
You're like, okay, cool.

00:24:49.710 --> 00:24:50.250
That's great.

00:24:50.509 --> 00:24:55.009
And some kids, they just still their parents alcohol and water down the vodka.

00:24:55.259 --> 00:24:55.990
I mean, whatever.

00:24:55.990 --> 00:24:56.900
We're not pointing fingers.

00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:04.569
You have to look at yourselves and what example you've also been showing them and making sure it's not the pot, column and kettle black.

00:25:04.579 --> 00:25:05.529
Is that, can you say that?

00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:08.730
Yeah, because if you are showing them.

00:25:09.130 --> 00:25:11.339
Something and then saying something else.

00:25:11.805 --> 00:25:13.835
They're not going to have any respect for you.

00:25:13.855 --> 00:25:15.355
And you're like, why don't they respect me?

00:25:15.365 --> 00:25:20.045
Well, if you're being a hypocrite, I mean, nobody's going to listen to you.

00:25:20.184 --> 00:25:21.365
Would you listen to yourself?

00:25:21.664 --> 00:25:22.105
Oh yeah.

00:25:22.174 --> 00:25:23.285
We would talk shit in a heartbeat.

00:25:23.454 --> 00:25:24.134
Exactly.

00:25:24.734 --> 00:25:26.964
You are also talking about how do we support.

00:25:27.259 --> 00:25:33.269
Our children's mental health right now, this is so challenging for us, but it's not about us.

00:25:33.289 --> 00:25:34.170
This is about them.

00:25:34.509 --> 00:25:37.849
So how do we support them creating

00:25:37.869 --> 00:25:39.279
a safe space for them?

00:25:39.339 --> 00:25:40.589
Uh, safe space.

00:25:40.619 --> 00:25:44.490
You that is your job as parents to create the safe space

00:25:45.069 --> 00:25:49.500
and then giving them creative outlets to express themselves.

00:25:49.500 --> 00:25:51.279
Whatever that looks like.

00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:53.505
If that's gaming are journaling.

00:25:53.855 --> 00:26:06.144
time with you, whatever it is that they love, that's kind of like puts a spark in them, support that and let them know that my daughter doesn't want to take the traditional route of going to college right away.

00:26:06.464 --> 00:26:08.805
And I am a very academic person.

00:26:08.815 --> 00:26:12.430
So at first I was like, Then I was like, no, this is not me.

00:26:12.430 --> 00:26:13.170
This is her.

00:26:13.170 --> 00:26:15.640
And I want to support her and where she's at.

00:26:15.660 --> 00:26:20.700
And a lot of other people who have no influence in our life have decided to make comments about it.

00:26:21.480 --> 00:26:22.769
Opinions are like assholes.

00:26:22.829 --> 00:26:24.359
We all have them and they all

00:26:24.380 --> 00:26:24.940
stink.

00:26:24.950 --> 00:26:25.539
Exactly.

00:26:25.539 --> 00:26:30.525
And I don't want that to deter her from doing something because I've always taught my kids that.

00:26:30.944 --> 00:26:34.734
When you do something you love, that is finding true success.

00:26:35.204 --> 00:26:36.174
It's not a paper.

00:26:36.174 --> 00:26:37.384
It's not a degree.

00:26:37.384 --> 00:26:41.674
It's not making sure your mental health is good and making sure you can

00:26:41.674 --> 00:26:42.375
take care of yourself.

00:26:42.375 --> 00:26:42.924
You gotta be honest.

00:26:43.095 --> 00:26:43.964
You gotta eat and pay

00:26:43.964 --> 00:26:44.714
your rent.

00:26:44.954 --> 00:26:45.164
Yeah.

00:26:45.164 --> 00:26:52.775
And still that there are still financial things that you need to do, but you can find success with things that you love as well.

00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:54.839
But it doesn't have to be the traditional

00:26:54.839 --> 00:26:55.309
route.

00:26:55.829 --> 00:27:04.839
And that's why in our house, we did it with our oldest and we still say with our youngest is, you know, there are three things you can go get a trade.

00:27:05.019 --> 00:27:08.109
Those sometimes pay higher than a college degree, right?

00:27:08.170 --> 00:27:12.390
You can go to college, you can go into the military.

00:27:12.615 --> 00:27:14.694
You can get a job right away.

00:27:15.035 --> 00:27:16.515
Our thing is we don't need a roommate.

00:27:16.615 --> 00:27:17.194
We're good.

00:27:17.825 --> 00:27:21.785
But for us, if you want to live at home, you have to do one of the three things.

00:27:22.144 --> 00:27:26.664
You can go to trade, you can go to college, you can go into the military.

00:27:26.785 --> 00:27:28.795
Our oldest chose the military route.

00:27:29.164 --> 00:27:30.085
That's great.

00:27:30.144 --> 00:27:31.394
Not what we were expecting.

00:27:31.724 --> 00:27:33.615
And now he's ready to come back.

00:27:33.894 --> 00:27:34.785
He's getting out.

00:27:34.795 --> 00:27:35.394
He's done it.

00:27:35.714 --> 00:27:36.384
So guess what?

00:27:36.394 --> 00:27:38.474
Now he can go to college.

00:27:38.994 --> 00:27:39.944
And the military pays for it.

00:27:39.944 --> 00:27:40.525
Fantastic.

00:27:40.595 --> 00:27:41.035
Yeah.

00:27:41.154 --> 00:27:41.615
Awesome.

00:27:41.744 --> 00:27:42.154
I know.

00:27:42.154 --> 00:27:43.494
We're like, all right, good job.

00:27:43.555 --> 00:27:46.595
And you can come back and live at home and go to college.

00:27:46.755 --> 00:27:47.765
We're okay with that.

00:27:48.474 --> 00:27:51.724
Some parents are like, you're 18, you're out, but it's so hard out

00:27:51.724 --> 00:27:52.085
there.

00:27:52.394 --> 00:27:52.984
It is.

00:27:52.984 --> 00:28:07.795
And not just like the world as it is, but also like financially, I know I used to live in a, Jess and I come from a very expensive state where we used to live and grew up and a lot of.

00:28:08.065 --> 00:28:15.875
People I know still live with parents or family and friends because it's really expensive.

00:28:16.365 --> 00:28:19.055
And now it's their parents are living with them because it's really

00:28:19.055 --> 00:28:19.775
expensive.

00:28:19.825 --> 00:28:26.855
Or I have friends that have never, they make really damn good money, but they still can't afford to buy a house.

00:28:27.585 --> 00:28:28.275
And that's okay.

00:28:28.474 --> 00:28:29.654
And, and that's okay.

00:28:29.684 --> 00:28:34.325
Things don't have to look a certain way that we picture this cookie cutter cutout.

00:28:34.634 --> 00:28:40.365
It can come in various forms and understanding that and having the empathy for that really helps our kids.

00:28:40.724 --> 00:28:50.055
Now, I know this is very hard, but a lot of times we feel like our kids are pulling away and distancing themselves from not only us, but their own friends and their own family.

00:28:50.174 --> 00:28:51.214
And is that normal?

00:28:51.849 --> 00:28:52.180
Yeah.

00:28:52.579 --> 00:28:56.940
That is so normal for them to just want this independence.

00:28:57.039 --> 00:28:58.529
And they're also terrified.

00:28:58.900 --> 00:29:02.410
As parents, we joke that your 13 year old is going to go hide up in their room.

00:29:02.420 --> 00:29:03.089
Ha ha ha.

00:29:03.119 --> 00:29:03.759
Yeah, they do.

00:29:03.779 --> 00:29:04.750
They go hide up in the room.

00:29:04.750 --> 00:29:06.539
They come down if it wasn't for food.

00:29:06.630 --> 00:29:06.970
Right.

00:29:06.980 --> 00:29:08.460
We may not see them sometimes.

00:29:08.865 --> 00:29:15.644
I think that's a normal thing at this age too, is that they're starting to withdraw a little bit and hunker in their corner kind of

00:29:15.644 --> 00:29:16.015
thing.

00:29:16.085 --> 00:29:29.464
And I think what we talked about a little bit earlier is creating that distance to as a protective barrier to losing maybe what they know in their comfort zone and trying to prepare themselves, like putting up their walls.

00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:29.769
Yeah.

00:29:29.769 --> 00:29:38.160
And they just need to find a balance and we have to find the balance between their need for independence and really maintaining the family rules and bonds.

00:29:38.539 --> 00:29:39.309
You still live here.

00:29:39.309 --> 00:29:40.670
You still got to unload the dishes.

00:29:40.710 --> 00:29:41.430
I'm sorry.

00:29:41.430 --> 00:29:42.109
That's just part

00:29:42.109 --> 00:29:42.640
of the rules.

00:29:42.910 --> 00:29:45.589
That leads into what really does.

00:29:45.859 --> 00:29:50.549
Autonomy have to do with a teen and young adult's development.

00:29:50.750 --> 00:29:52.140
These are life skills.

00:29:52.470 --> 00:29:56.940
My oldest used to get so mad because his mom would always be like, these are life skills.

00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:00.609
You have to learn how to do this stuff because you got to learn how to pump your own gas.

00:30:01.259 --> 00:30:03.640
You have to learn all these different things.

00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:09.255
These are the things that we want them to be able to make decisions and be responsible.

00:30:09.255 --> 00:30:12.164
Responsible and rely on themselves for things.

00:30:12.575 --> 00:30:13.055
Let's

00:30:13.055 --> 00:30:13.984
go back a little bit.

00:30:13.984 --> 00:30:16.595
Let's define what autonomy is.

00:30:16.625 --> 00:30:23.365
'cause I feel like that's one of those words that gets thrown around, but people might not understand specifically what it is.

00:30:23.365 --> 00:30:30.414
And it means the right to govern yourself, like your body, your decisions, your mind, and owning that.

00:30:30.654 --> 00:30:34.434
So this is giving your teens the right to self govern.

00:30:34.555 --> 00:30:34.974
It's like when

00:30:34.974 --> 00:30:36.174
they were little and they're like.

00:30:36.494 --> 00:30:39.464
Put their hands on their hips and say, you can't tell me what to do.

00:30:40.134 --> 00:30:40.805
You remember that?

00:30:40.884 --> 00:30:41.234
Well, I

00:30:41.295 --> 00:30:42.325
used to say, yes, I can.

00:30:42.345 --> 00:30:43.424
Yes, I can.

00:30:45.167 --> 00:30:51.907
Some of the things I'll say with the oldest is that if you are not relying on us financially, you're not living in our house.

00:30:51.907 --> 00:30:53.298
We're not paying for your cell phone.

00:30:53.667 --> 00:30:56.228
We're not paying for college or your car insurance.

00:30:56.798 --> 00:30:59.768
You have a hundred percent control over what you do.

00:30:59.867 --> 00:31:00.258
Yeah.

00:31:00.617 --> 00:31:01.798
I'm not saying that.

00:31:01.863 --> 00:31:04.643
Yeah.

00:31:04.643 --> 00:31:05.752
It's not pay to play.

00:31:05.803 --> 00:31:06.042
Yeah.

00:31:06.063 --> 00:31:06.833
No, it's not that.

00:31:06.843 --> 00:31:08.282
But if you're going to live in our house,

00:31:08.623 --> 00:31:09.512
there's boundaries,

00:31:09.843 --> 00:31:13.012
responsibilities, there are responsibilities and rules and boundaries, right?

00:31:13.063 --> 00:31:16.153
As an adult, if you're not going to come home, can you let us know?

00:31:16.153 --> 00:31:17.843
So we're not worried about you being in a ditch.

00:31:18.202 --> 00:31:19.202
I don't need to know what you're

00:31:19.202 --> 00:31:19.482
doing.

00:31:19.492 --> 00:31:26.272
I just had a friend or really she, she was struggling with that because she was like, I just want her to tell me that she's safe.

00:31:26.313 --> 00:31:26.502
Yeah.

00:31:26.682 --> 00:31:29.292
I don't care like about anything else.

00:31:29.323 --> 00:31:30.373
I just want.

00:31:30.682 --> 00:31:33.663
Her to be like, I am here and that's okay.

00:31:34.472 --> 00:31:36.303
We just told him, be a good roommate.

00:31:36.343 --> 00:31:40.393
This is what you do with when you have roommates in your twenties, Hey, I'm going out and not coming back.

00:31:40.403 --> 00:31:40.692
Cool.

00:31:40.702 --> 00:31:41.143
Thanks.

00:31:41.502 --> 00:31:43.663
So they don't go, Hey, I haven't seen her in four days.

00:31:43.663 --> 00:31:44.492
What happened?

00:31:44.502 --> 00:31:45.262
Should I call somebody?

00:31:45.633 --> 00:31:48.792
This is just being a good roommate as they get older.

00:31:49.032 --> 00:31:52.782
And that's what you want them to do and learn how to balance a checkbook or at least their account.

00:31:53.123 --> 00:31:53.323
And

00:31:53.442 --> 00:32:00.972
that's, that comes with these skills that we need to teach them about being prepared.

00:32:00.992 --> 00:32:01.962
So like age.

00:32:01.962 --> 00:32:02.083
Yeah.

00:32:02.383 --> 00:32:06.843
appropriate responsibilities and important decision making.

00:32:06.853 --> 00:32:09.982
Like, how do I balance a checkbook?

00:32:09.982 --> 00:32:13.303
Like, how do I pay attention to my account balance?

00:32:13.313 --> 00:32:18.182
Like, how do I divide a dinner with friends or something like that?

00:32:18.192 --> 00:32:20.252
These things that we don't think about.

00:32:20.303 --> 00:32:20.442
Well,

00:32:20.442 --> 00:32:21.913
that's a hard one even as adults.

00:32:21.932 --> 00:32:22.242
Right.

00:32:22.242 --> 00:32:23.542
They even have apps for that.

00:32:23.603 --> 00:32:28.153
Like how to split like apps and like vacations and things like that.

00:32:28.153 --> 00:32:28.613
Because.

00:32:28.853 --> 00:32:30.923
This is something that people have struggled with.

00:32:30.962 --> 00:32:33.613
It is a struggle because everybody handles money differently.

00:32:34.173 --> 00:32:42.542
And like how to talk to their teachers or their professors or at their job, like how to handle certain situations.

00:32:42.823 --> 00:32:53.163
These are important life skills that a lot of us had to learn or still haven't learned and they should teach in high school, but they don't.

00:32:54.077 --> 00:32:59.948
And budgeting things like that, that nobody ever sat down and did that with me.

00:33:00.407 --> 00:33:05.488
And so I struggled with budgeting and finances until I was much older struggle because you're ADHD.

00:33:05.577 --> 00:33:07.738
Well, yeah, that's that's what that is.

00:33:07.738 --> 00:33:10.307
But yeah, but still, I didn't have any skills to.

00:33:10.462 --> 00:33:13.853
Back up my brain that was all by this,

00:33:15.232 --> 00:33:26.663
but with, with that, I like one of the points you just made was that don't wait until you're the second semester of senior year to all of a sudden throw all of these things onto your child.

00:33:27.182 --> 00:33:28.772
Let's do all these life hacks right now.

00:33:29.232 --> 00:33:29.492
Yeah.

00:33:29.492 --> 00:33:30.462
That's not going to work.

00:33:30.782 --> 00:33:34.373
We started in eighth grade.

00:33:34.593 --> 00:33:35.803
This was eighth grade this year.

00:33:35.803 --> 00:33:41.742
I said, you need to every year at the beginning of the year, I've sent an email saying, this is my child.

00:33:41.762 --> 00:33:43.363
My child is ADHD.

00:33:43.363 --> 00:33:46.292
These are her, what she needs, what she excels at.

00:33:46.303 --> 00:33:49.212
These are the accommodations per 504.

00:33:49.272 --> 00:33:49.692
Right?

00:33:49.752 --> 00:33:51.133
Let me know if you have any questions.

00:33:51.133 --> 00:33:52.623
Well, this year I said, you're eighth grade.

00:33:52.623 --> 00:33:53.542
Now you need to send it.

00:33:53.728 --> 00:33:54.307
Wait, what?

00:33:54.478 --> 00:33:54.637
Or

00:33:54.637 --> 00:33:56.968
have that conversation with your teachers.

00:33:56.978 --> 00:33:57.137
I

00:33:57.137 --> 00:33:59.147
wanted an email and a conversation.

00:33:59.157 --> 00:34:01.627
So we sat down and she sent it.

00:34:01.817 --> 00:34:03.218
Why do I have to do this?

00:34:03.248 --> 00:34:08.467
I said, cause in four or five years, you'll be in college and you're going to have to learn to advocate for yourself.

00:34:08.637 --> 00:34:11.208
I can't be your mommy on your college campus.

00:34:11.688 --> 00:34:12.427
Exactly.

00:34:12.518 --> 00:34:15.117
Or at your job or whatever happens, you have

00:34:15.117 --> 00:34:15.768
to learn.

00:34:15.777 --> 00:34:20.177
I can't tell your boss he's a jerk and that this, I said, you have to learn to do this.

00:34:20.208 --> 00:34:22.117
And so start earlier.

00:34:22.128 --> 00:34:23.498
And that's empowerment.

00:34:23.568 --> 00:34:24.117
Yeah.

00:34:24.128 --> 00:34:25.128
Start earlier.

00:34:25.128 --> 00:34:29.858
So you're not dumping all of this senior year going, well, you're going to be 18 in three months.

00:34:29.887 --> 00:34:30.637
What are you going to do?

00:34:30.668 --> 00:34:30.838
Yeah.

00:34:30.838 --> 00:34:33.347
And adding more fuel to the fire and their anxiety.

00:34:33.827 --> 00:34:35.918
But that's just going to make it worse.

00:34:36.148 --> 00:34:36.538
Speaking

00:34:36.538 --> 00:34:41.958
of anxiety, if you're worried about their behavior, what do you do?

00:34:41.958 --> 00:34:46.307
I know we talked about it a little bit before, but Randy, what do you do when you're worried about your daughter's

00:34:46.398 --> 00:34:47.657
anxiety or you're worried?

00:34:47.657 --> 00:34:49.458
I trust my intuition about it.

00:34:49.458 --> 00:34:52.268
And then I reach out to people that can support me through this.

00:34:52.297 --> 00:34:59.268
And that's usually a doctor, therapist, counselor, a school counselor, a teacher.

00:34:59.538 --> 00:35:07.197
Or a psychiatrist that can help guide me to the right things that she needs that I might not be able to give her.

00:35:07.577 --> 00:35:07.847
Yeah.

00:35:07.847 --> 00:35:13.188
Or maybe you just need to get your own Xanax and you can not have the anxiety that she's bringing up.

00:35:13.228 --> 00:35:13.538
Exactly.

00:35:13.547 --> 00:35:14.307
I'm kidding guys.

00:35:14.347 --> 00:35:14.788
I'm kidding.

00:35:16.597 --> 00:35:16.657
Kind of.

00:35:17.248 --> 00:35:22.608
So with all these things, the most important thing is keep that communication open.

00:35:23.608 --> 00:35:28.268
And empathetic listening and really validate how their feelings.

00:35:28.307 --> 00:35:31.657
We all need to have our feelings validated.

00:35:31.668 --> 00:35:35.958
That doesn't change whether you're 5 or you're 55 or you're 105.

00:35:36.557 --> 00:35:45.148
And when it comes down to it, our jobs as a parent or caregiver is to show support and to love unconditionally.

00:35:45.197 --> 00:35:46.438
Unconditionally means.

00:35:48.177 --> 00:35:48.797
Conditions.

00:35:48.818 --> 00:35:49.527
Conditions.

00:35:49.547 --> 00:35:49.967
Yeah.

00:35:50.327 --> 00:35:51.407
You don't want to gaslight.

00:35:51.418 --> 00:35:52.867
You don't want to be a narcissist.

00:35:52.907 --> 00:35:57.228
You don't want to say, I always tell my daughter sometimes, I don't like you, but I love you.

00:35:58.717 --> 00:36:03.947
And I would rather her say, I don't like your behavior right now, but I love you no matter what.

00:36:04.027 --> 00:36:05.398
And I love you no matter what.

00:36:05.398 --> 00:36:05.657
No buts.

00:36:05.907 --> 00:36:06.648
And I love you.

00:36:06.887 --> 00:36:11.447
Cause remember your kids right now are scared and terrified.

00:36:11.617 --> 00:36:13.547
They have been working so hard.

00:36:13.902 --> 00:36:18.552
So hard to get to this point and, oh my gosh, it's so much to do still.

00:36:19.103 --> 00:36:23.793
And then there's these expectations and they're not, like you said, your daughter's not doing the traditional route.

00:36:24.222 --> 00:36:26.853
She couldn't be comparing herself to other kids.

00:36:27.092 --> 00:36:29.413
Well, they're going to college and I don't want to.

00:36:29.443 --> 00:36:29.952
Exactly.

00:36:29.952 --> 00:36:35.492
That's another thing is they have their own peer pressure from this.

00:36:35.992 --> 00:36:42.813
Their friends are doing certain things or so and so is going to Ivy league or so and so is not, or so and so is going to trade school or so and so is.

00:36:43.422 --> 00:36:43.992
Whatever.

00:36:43.992 --> 00:36:46.202
And comparing, am I doing the right thing?

00:36:46.233 --> 00:36:47.373
Am I doing the wrong thing?

00:36:47.393 --> 00:36:48.682
Am I, do I want to do this?

00:36:48.682 --> 00:36:52.063
Do I want, and let's be honest, our minds change all the time.

00:36:52.063 --> 00:36:57.103
So maybe that path you started on isn't the path you want to take the day of graduation.

00:36:57.333 --> 00:37:00.623
And maybe they're fearful to tell you, Hey, I decided I don't want to do

00:37:00.672 --> 00:37:01.163
that.

00:37:01.213 --> 00:37:02.043
I'm telling you.

00:37:02.172 --> 00:37:07.112
I am telling you, ours, he was going to go to a four year college.

00:37:07.123 --> 00:37:08.233
He was going to do this.

00:37:08.592 --> 00:37:11.362
And then all of a sudden he said, I'm going to go in the military.

00:37:11.413 --> 00:37:12.402
And we were like, wait, what?

00:37:12.452 --> 00:37:12.782
What?

00:37:13.052 --> 00:37:13.393
You don't like

00:37:13.402 --> 00:37:13.693
our rules?

00:37:13.922 --> 00:37:14.932
360, what just happened?

00:37:14.943 --> 00:37:15.123
You don't like

00:37:15.413 --> 00:37:17.313
our rules, but you want to go to the military.

00:37:17.382 --> 00:37:17.932
Okay.

00:37:17.952 --> 00:37:29.422
And then the next thing you know, we had a Marine person showing up in our driveway and he calls me and he's like, Jess, Jess, the Marine was in my driveway, in the driveway when I got home today.

00:37:29.943 --> 00:37:31.688
And, and I was like, The recruiter.

00:37:32.057 --> 00:37:32.358
What?

00:37:32.728 --> 00:37:34.918
I was like, you're not even 18 yet.

00:37:35.038 --> 00:37:36.458
He was like, can you help?

00:37:36.597 --> 00:37:37.577
I was like, yeah.

00:37:37.577 --> 00:37:38.557
And we talked about it.

00:37:38.557 --> 00:37:39.797
I said, how can I support you?

00:37:40.307 --> 00:37:41.777
He was like, I'm not ready.

00:37:41.777 --> 00:37:44.038
I don't need him showing up at my house.

00:37:44.077 --> 00:37:47.827
So I called him up and I was like, dude, he's not 18 yet.

00:37:47.938 --> 00:37:48.538
Too much.

00:37:48.557 --> 00:37:49.858
Don't show up at my driveway.

00:37:50.182 --> 00:37:53.293
If we want you, we will reach out to you, which I get it.

00:37:53.293 --> 00:37:57.163
They're recruiters, but he was like, that freaked him out.

00:37:57.922 --> 00:38:00.932
I was like, yeah, it wasn't the thought.

00:38:00.943 --> 00:38:02.822
We thought you were going to go that path, but

00:38:02.882 --> 00:38:03.222
Hey.

00:38:03.733 --> 00:38:08.322
And so just being able to pivot with what they decide and go with.

00:38:08.563 --> 00:38:12.253
I changed my mind 500 times about what I'm going to eat for the afternoon.

00:38:12.253 --> 00:38:16.143
So it's let alone a life, what can feel like a life altering decision.

00:38:16.152 --> 00:38:17.913
And did I take the path?

00:38:17.952 --> 00:38:20.333
I, I was one of those people that planned out.

00:38:20.623 --> 00:38:24.693
Every aspect of my life, and I have this 5 year, 10 year, 15 year plan.

00:38:24.873 --> 00:38:25.932
Didn't any of that happen?

00:38:26.422 --> 00:38:27.123
F no.

00:38:27.393 --> 00:38:27.693
I know.

00:38:27.702 --> 00:38:32.282
If anybody told me that I would be sitting here doing a podcast in Idaho, I would have been like, oh, what?

00:38:32.563 --> 00:38:32.762
Right.

00:38:32.762 --> 00:38:34.943
Or that I would be a psychotherapist.

00:38:35.012 --> 00:38:37.452
I would have probably, well, I wanted to be an art therapist.

00:38:37.452 --> 00:38:38.773
So it's not like that far off.

00:38:38.773 --> 00:38:48.893
But I ended up having to take my mom got ill and I ended up having to take a huge gap between college and I didn't get where I wanted to go until probably 10 years later.

00:38:48.913 --> 00:38:51.012
And I was so hard on myself.

00:38:51.282 --> 00:38:52.592
And that's the thing you have to understand.

00:38:52.612 --> 00:38:59.652
Our kids are probably having this inner dialogue in their mind and they're probably beating themselves up over things.

00:38:59.882 --> 00:39:02.313
So we don't need to probably beat them up too about

00:39:02.313 --> 00:39:02.572
it.

00:39:02.788 --> 00:39:05.237
No, just hug them and tell them you love them,

00:39:05.478 --> 00:39:18.577
celebrate their achievements, whether they're small or big, just the little things to, to let them know that you're not just harping on things that are like negative, but find the positive in that and really cherish those things that make them unique,

00:39:18.728 --> 00:39:20.688
find other things to talk to them about.

00:39:20.898 --> 00:39:22.427
Besides, did you take out the trash?

00:39:22.427 --> 00:39:23.268
Did you do the dishes?

00:39:23.268 --> 00:39:24.617
Did you turn in your homework?

00:39:24.648 --> 00:39:25.077
Yeah.

00:39:25.157 --> 00:39:28.097
Find something else to have conversations.

00:39:28.097 --> 00:39:30.748
Pull them out of their room or go join them in their room.

00:39:30.748 --> 00:39:31.057
Mm hmm.

00:39:31.117 --> 00:39:31.277
Yeah.

00:39:31.277 --> 00:39:35.097
Sometimes I'll just go and I'll sit on my daughter's bed and she's like, what are you doing?

00:39:35.097 --> 00:39:36.188
And I'm like, it's so weird.

00:39:36.188 --> 00:39:40.947
And I'm like, I'm here, but they can come in our room all the time and just hang out.

00:39:40.958 --> 00:39:41.987
She'll steal our makeup.

00:39:42.268 --> 00:39:42.987
She comes in my room.

00:39:43.552 --> 00:39:47.523
Night and we have these full conversations and her dad is like, what is happening right now?

00:39:47.523 --> 00:39:52.862
And why is she and I'm like, I, I never dissuade that because I love it.

00:39:53.083 --> 00:40:03.322
I cherish that time and it helps this period when we're struggling and frustrated as a parent or as a caregiver, I just am like, okay, I look forward to that

00:40:03.333 --> 00:40:03.902
stuff.

00:40:03.952 --> 00:40:05.632
I think my daughter gets weirded out too.

00:40:05.632 --> 00:40:10.172
When I go and lay in her bed, she's got all these squish mellows all over and it's so comfortable.

00:40:10.182 --> 00:40:10.557
And she's like.

00:40:10.717 --> 00:40:11.208
What are you doing?

00:40:11.217 --> 00:40:11.447
Yeah.

00:40:11.547 --> 00:40:12.568
Why are you laying on my bed?

00:40:12.577 --> 00:40:13.708
Why are you touching my stuff?

00:40:13.708 --> 00:40:14.617
I'm like, I just want to be here.

00:40:14.947 --> 00:40:15.197
Cause it's

00:40:15.358 --> 00:40:16.427
soft and it's great.

00:40:16.438 --> 00:40:18.788
And I said, this is really fun.

00:40:18.797 --> 00:40:19.097
Yeah.

00:40:19.318 --> 00:40:23.438
Cause your room's super cute and mine doesn't have a bunch of cute stuffed animals and things all over the place.

00:40:23.438 --> 00:40:24.777
No, I'm an adult.

00:40:24.807 --> 00:40:25.128
Yeah.

00:40:25.157 --> 00:40:25.538
Boring.

00:40:26.362 --> 00:40:38.793
Remember that when your teen is navigating this last semester of high school and all of these challenges that they are throwing at you, this is a very natural process.

00:40:39.282 --> 00:40:39.932
It's normal.

00:40:39.932 --> 00:40:41.322
We're normalizing

00:40:41.322 --> 00:40:41.373
it.

00:40:41.373 --> 00:40:42.722
It is normal.

00:40:42.762 --> 00:40:43.742
They are not.

00:40:44.182 --> 00:40:51.202
Trying to be a holes, they really are just having all of this, like Randy said, these inner dialogues,

00:40:51.213 --> 00:40:54.353
all these feelings and hormones and stress.

00:40:54.362 --> 00:41:00.762
And I just want to say, I hope that this normalized it for you, because when Jess talked to me about this.

00:41:01.012 --> 00:41:11.603
I took such a big sigh of relief and was able to step back and also give myself perspective about it and my teenager as well.

00:41:11.603 --> 00:41:15.342
And it helped as a whole, just being able to talk about that.

00:41:15.373 --> 00:41:16.822
I wasn't alone in this.

00:41:16.842 --> 00:41:20.643
And yes, even us as therapists, we still struggle with that on the daily.

00:41:20.793 --> 00:41:21.952
You're not alone.

00:41:22.003 --> 00:41:27.813
This is a very normal process and it's going to kick up some anxiety in the house.

00:41:28.052 --> 00:41:30.432
Even the dogs are probably acting out at this point.

00:41:30.443 --> 00:41:30.913
Right.

00:41:31.242 --> 00:41:32.552
This is just normal guys.

00:41:32.833 --> 00:41:33.672
You get through this.

00:41:33.672 --> 00:41:34.163
You will.

00:41:34.422 --> 00:41:36.523
And we hope this episode has helped you today.