The Gift of Self Acceptance: Embrace Your Unique Journey

Ep 17 Selfs Full Episode

[00:00:00] Randi: Hi friends. It's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the bullshit and let's get into 

[00:00:08] Jess: women's mental health.

Welcome to the podcast unapologetically All over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. In this 

[00:00:22] Randi: episode, we're gonna talk about how to learn and also how to practice self-acceptance, which is different than self-care and self-love, 

[00:00:31] Jess: right?

We'll be exploring the differences between self-love and self-esteem, and self-acceptance and self-compassion, even though they all sound alike. All of these 

[00:00:42] Randi: things go hand in hand. They are very subtle differences between them, but they can have perma profound impacts , um, on your life and your self-acceptance and working on those goals to accepting yourself.

So 

[00:00:56] Jess: stick with us. We are going to also give you a C B T exercise to help you reframe your negative thoughts and so that way you can increase all of the four that we just talked. 

[00:01:08] Randi: So, have you ever had these thoughts running through your head? How 

[00:01:12] Jess: do I know if I love myself? How do 

[00:01:15] Randi: I accept the things about myself that I do not like?

[00:01:19] Jess: How do I grow and accept others when I can't even accept 

[00:01:22] Randi: myself? Am I ever going to be good enough? 

[00:01:26] Jess: I'm so dumb. And this is when you forget, like something 

[00:01:29] Randi: totally simple, right? Like the negative self talk in your head. Blaming yourself when things go wrong or joking 

[00:01:36] Jess: about yourself in a negative way.

That's so 

[00:01:39] Randi: tough. Yeah, it's so tough. And we do it a lot. The self, uh, depreciation. Depreciation. Um, so just what is the difference between self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-love and self-compassion. That was a mouthful. . 

[00:01:53] Jess: That is a. Full. Yes. Okay. So there is a subtle difference between each one. Self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves.

It's based on the opinions and beliefs about ourselves. Some people think of this as like self-confidence. It can affect whether you like or value yourself as 

[00:02:14] Randi: a person. Okay, So our value that we put on ourselves or how we perceive to value ourselves, sometimes the way we just think about ourselves based off of opinions and beliefs that we have created about ourselves.

About ourselves. Yeah. And then self-acceptance. That's the, your acceptance of all of. Attributes features positive and negative, and embracing both of those pluses and minuses unconditionally with yourself. 

[00:02:46] Jess: Right. Right. And that's recognizing and accepting your limitations or weaknesses, and those should not interfere with your ability to accept yourself fully.

Right? Yeah. So self-acceptance is good, bad, everything. 

[00:03:00] Randi: Everything. The whole shebanging, the whole shebang. So that's when you like have kind of, that's like really the peak, right? Of like self acceptance. 

[00:03:09] Jess: Do we ever get there? I hope, man, I hope. I mean maybe we can 

[00:03:13] Randi: like get maybe like 90% like Yeah. Or like most days rather than not.

So like maybe take that as a one. Right. 

[00:03:22] Jess: I mean, there are days where you're like, Yeah, and there's days where we're like, Mm. Yeah. And I think this is where we go into the toxic positivity, right? Mm-hmm. , we, we talked about that. Oh my gosh, I already forgot what episode that was. . Um, 

[00:03:35] Randi: we'll link it in the notes, right?

[00:03:37] Jess: But we talked about the toxic positivity, and so sometimes that can interfere with the self-acceptance piece. Mm. 

[00:03:44] Randi: So this is bringing the good and the bad together and being okay 

[00:03:47] Jess: with it. Right. And accepting that is your who you are. Yourself. Yourself. Yeah. 

[00:03:53] Randi: That's who you are. What, um, is self-love? Ooh.

[00:03:56] Jess: Okay. So self love is defined as a state of appreciation for one's self. One that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, spiritual growth, right? Mm-hmm. , that is an appreciation, like, you know, I love myself, 

[00:04:12] Randi: or you like yourself, or you like something about yourself. And we talked about that too in body positivity.

Like you can like one part of yourself and not another. And 

[00:04:21] Jess: that's okay. Yeah. This is a self love girl. This is not self-like . This is self love, not self love yourself. Dammit. Love yourself. Right? It means having a high regard for your own wellbeing and happiness, right? Taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your wellbeing to take care of others.

[00:04:39] Randi: Yeah, so not making yourself small, not diminishing yourself, putting yourself firstly, loving yourself and taking care of 

[00:04:48] Jess: yourself. Self-compassion. Hmm. I see a lot of women that do not have. So 

[00:04:53] Randi: lack of empathy towards oneself, Lack of compassion when we stumble, when we fall, when we fail, when we mess up.

Feel inadequate, feel dumb. Yeah. So we can be like very abusive towards ourselves 

[00:05:07] Jess: mean? 

[00:05:07] Randi: Yeah, like we would talk, We would never talk to like a friend. The way that we talk to 

[00:05:12] Jess: ourselves. No, we don't. And that is not having compassion. Having compassion for yourself looks like when you are having a hard time or you are suffering and being kind to yourself, it is being like, Hey, I know we're having a rough day.

I know you're trying your best. It's okay. Yeah. Hey, I know you were, had a lot on your mind and you totally forgot to pick up your kid. And it's okay. 

[00:05:36] Randi: The more kind. And compassion and empathy you can give yourself also can help like reduce like the anxiety that you can induce and create those thoughts and like help alleviate depression and things like that too, when you add in that component of self-compassion, right?

And, and 

[00:05:54] Jess: this story I just told was totally true. Um, I, my brain was going a million miles the other day. Uh, I was coming back from the gym. My mom was on the phone, in the car with me. I was talking to her and I swear an hour before I had said, Sure kid. I'll totally pick you up. And guess what? I got home.

I'm in the house with my husband or in the kitchen talking and the phone rings. And I was like, Who's that? And she's like, Mom, are you coming to get me? And I was like, You're like, what? Oh my God. I'll be right there. I mean, I was five minutes away and I, and I could have beat myself up the entire way, but I was like, No, no, I'm not a bad mom.

I'm not a bad person. I just happened to totally forget what I said I'd do an hour ago, which is the ADHD part. But I got there and she was just laughing. I thought she was crying. She's like, No, this is kind of funny, mom. And I was like, Well, I apologized. You know, this is, this is not my, That was having self-compassion for myself, cuz I could have been like, worst mom ever.

Right? 

[00:06:50] Randi: Like this is a total fail. Like how could I do this? Like, oh my God, like my kids. I don't even deserve to be a mom. Yeah. My kid's gonna hate me forever. So how are these all connected to love yourself? You need 

[00:07:03] Jess: to what? This one's hard. This is like a, like a one equals two equals three equals four.

Right? Okay. We don't math . Yeah, we don't math. So, to love yourself, you need to explore what parts of yourself that you are not willing to accept. Mm. Loving yourself is all about accepting yourself a hundred percent. But this is only possible when you stop judging yourself. And when you stop judging yourself, you raise your self-esteem.

So it's complicated. it is. Okay, So this is the equal part, right? Self-acceptance leads to self love, which leads to higher self-esteem. Okay? So that's a 

[00:07:40] Randi: little bit easier. Think of it kind of like as like a little circle with arrows and like self-acceptance. Self love, higher self-esteem so you can like skyrocket it.

It's 

[00:07:51] Jess: almost like instead of arrows, imagine like circles, three circles overlapping each other and then each circle ha has one area that they overlap with something else. Yes. Cause they all share a piece. Yeah. But in the middle of that is the one thing all of 'em share, which is So like a 

[00:08:11] Randi: diagram. Is that, Oh, is that, I don't know.

Is that what it's called? ? I don't know. 

[00:08:15] Jess: But that, that is what it sounds good. Sounds good. But the very middle piece is the self love. It's kind 

[00:08:23] Randi: of like Venn diagram. I was right. Sun. Good job. Where everything convenes in the center. Yeah. And creates that right impact. 

[00:08:31] Jess: All of these are totally connected, and that's when, if you can have, even if you have a little piece of each one, you're working towards self-love, You're working towards, They all are connected.

Yeah. And 

[00:08:44] Randi: you don't have to be like a hundred percent at everything. Gosh. Now, like even if it's just like you're trying, like, okay, bring in that self-compassion. Like I'm trying bitch, I'm trying to love myself right now. I'm trying to like myself, I'm trying to be kinder to. It doesn't have to be like a hundred percent all the time.

[00:09:00] Jess: No, and it doesn't. It's not false. It isn't. It isn't something that you're trying to fake it till you make it. You hear her say that a lot. It's not fake it till you make it. It is just if you're having a hard time in the other areas, pull more of your self-compassion. Mm-hmm. . Right? If you can't love yourself today, then pull more self-compassion towards 

[00:09:19] Randi: yourself.

That's why it's so hard to accept yourself. Yes, because we have been in. Cyclical cycle of we start school and we're measured by performance. We're measured by our performance of how we act in class. We're measured by our emotions in class. We're measured by our numbers in class, like the tests we take, the grades we take.

Everything is measured and weighed, and so we learn to constantly compare ourselves against this almost 

[00:09:51] Jess: invisible grade. And you're right. And in school we are forced to be one way. And us being neuro divergent, we have neuro divergent kids. Right? They want us, they want our kids and us to assimilate to how they are.

And I always use the example of to be 

[00:10:06] Randi: mainstream. Yeah. 

[00:10:07] Jess: Mainstream, normal. Normal. Mm. So if people who are left-handed, they're forced in a right-handed handed world, everything is right-handed and left you unless you go to a 

[00:10:19] Randi: lefty. Yeah, my son was left-handed, hit, left-handed, started writing lefthanded.

Now he's writing right? Just because they put a pencil in your right hand and like his handwriting is shit 

[00:10:30] Jess: because of it. And there's things that you do when you're lefthanded. I had someone tell me that when they go to dinner, they have to sit a certain way, otherwise they're always bumping elbows.

Mm-hmm. 

[00:10:40] Randi: with the righties and they live in a right-handed world. And that's the same when. Neuro divergent and adhd, or you're on the autism spectrum, like you're expected to follow these invisible rules that have been made up for a certain percentage of the population. 

[00:10:56] Jess: I think that's why I see so many women who have a hard time accepting themselves and having self love and self-compassion, and just regarding themselves as being worthy because.

They have been comparing themselves right to these peers that they have been told they have to be like, mm-hmm. , and they're not like that. Mm-hmm. . And so that's what's really hard is when you work with them to say, No, no, no, let's, let's focus on some self-compassion and let's think of your brain a different way.

Right? 

[00:11:29] Randi: Well, and when we think about family dynamics and that layer too, a lot of times siblings can be compared, paired, pitted against, you know, each other. Triangulated. Yeah. Like, why are you not like this? Or even like a cousin or like a friend's kid, like why is so and so getting a grade in this? Or why is so and so good at this sport and you're not like, why are you, how are you from like the same family?

Or how do you have the same genes? Or how are you even related? Like, you know? Right. It's like, why do we need to be the 

[00:11:58] Jess: same? Why are we comparing to find the things that we need, which is self-compassion and self love and self-esteem and self-worth and Yeah. And all of that. 

[00:12:09] Randi: So that, that can be hard to achieve that with things like that, with family, um, depending on where you live, like the diversity, like the culture, like we live in a.

Uh, kind of like bubble, you know, here too, like culturally, like where we live and we don't really fit into that bubble and we've had to fight against that, like mainstream, like ideology too, you know? So like that those things are working against like your self-acceptance, you know, because you're like, Wait, I don't think like that person, like, should I like assimilate to them, like, and hide?

Like, no. We were 

[00:12:41] Jess: talking about that the other day, uh, my husband and I, and he was like, I can't believe, you know, they think blah, blah, blah, blah. And I. And we don't think like that. Are we the ones at wrong, right? Mm-hmm. , like are we the ones that are thinking wrong and they're thinking this way? No, no, no.

We just think differently, right? And if we don't compare ourselves, then that's great, right? Yeah. But it can be hard for all, a lot of us to accept ourselves, like what you're talking about. If we're living in an area where diversity or e you know, equity or inclusion are low, think of people who are l g. L G T Q I A.

Right. If if they're living in an area where there isn't a bigger community, then they're not going to think highly of themselves. Right. Or as highly as if they had peers who are very similar to 

[00:13:27] Randi: them. Yeah, and like bringing in that equality piece too. I mean, it's the same thing, like if you're like a.

Female, like in a male driven industry? Mm. Yes. It's gonna be hard to accept some things because you're like, Well, I don't have a dick. How am I gonna compare it with this boy's club? 

[00:13:40] Jess: You know, I hate when I have to pull out my husband's penis just to get a point across. That is like my biggest pet peeve, right.

But I see that a lot with like, you know, people who have the same degrees. Mm-hmm. , right? You'll have two psychologists, you'll have two doctors, and one of 'em will have, the woman will have lower self-esteem than the man because, And lower pay. And a lower pay and lower self-acceptance and lower acceptance from the community.

Right? Because they have to, they, they don't have a penis, 

[00:14:08] Randi: but it's never too late to work on accepting yourself. You. You can start right now. It doesn't matter how old you are, how young you are, where you're at in life. You can learn to love yourself where you are right now. Mm-hmm. . And you might need to do work on it again down the road because we are constantly changing and evolving.

[00:14:27] Jess: Right. You know, and part of this I wanna go back is we talked about imposter syndrome back in episode 11. A lot of that comes from not having a connection between these things that we're talking about. Mm-hmm. not feeling as if you belong. When you can start working on these, then that imposter syndrome will start to be less and less.

[00:14:47] Randi: Yeah. So you start bringing all these puzzle pieces like together. Yep. To form, um, the whole of who you are, you know, as you work on. Deeper and deeper, and sometimes you might need to take a piece out. Piece doesn't fit anymore, you know? And you need to like resolve the jigsaw puzzle of your life and that's okay.

It can be ever evolving and changing. When you have worked on that self-compassion com piece, it becomes easier and easier to find that acceptance as you grow and become older. 

[00:15:15] Jess: Exactly. And especially with people who are adhd, especially like us who have been diagnosed late in. If anyone's engaged in any kind of like, you know, harmful behaviors.

They were, you know, they've done drugs when they were earlier. They, you know, took forever to get through school. They, they have a lot of trauma. Trauma slept around. They made poor choices. Right. A lot of that's really hard to accept cuz you're like, oh crap, I did that in my twenties. 

[00:15:41] Randi: Oh yeah. Like, cuz I had no impulse control like in my twenties because I was unmedicated adhd and I'm think.

Holy crap, how did I survive in my twenties? But yeah, like, I mean, I've learned to accept it because now I understand it. But like, yeah, but that's why, you know, things like this podcast and talking about it is so important because with that knowledge comes power. Yes. And with that power, you can find the empathy and the compassion that you need towards yourself.

Like, oh my gosh, it all makes sense why I was acting this way or doing these things, or acting out this way, or I was. Pulse or I was, had risky behavior. Like now all the dots are connecting 

[00:16:19] Jess: and it does, it gives us better self-compassion and self-acceptance because you're like, Oh, I'm not a complete screw up.

Right. This is why I did this. And even if um, you know, you did, you aren't ADHD and did those things, it's still okay to have self-compassion for yourself. Yeah. And 

[00:16:36] Randi: it's not. Dick, let's just explain that because people can be like, Oh, you're putting yourself first. Like, you know, me, me, me. Like, it can sound like that.

Mm-hmm. . But this is just important component of learning about yourself, learning about your emotions, like. Learning who you are, understanding it and accepting it. Because when you're narcissist, what does that look like? Oh 

[00:17:00] Jess: my gosh. So like traits of a narcissist. They have a very strong sense of self-importance.

That's different than what we're talking about, right? Self importance means they are the most important, right? Which is different than taking care of myself. They have no empathy, , no empathy, right? . This fame and glory that they have. Right. They're so amazing. Fantasy life fantasies. Yes. 

[00:17:22] Randi: And they exploit others with like their needs and wants and stuff.

So that does not go hand in hand with this. That's separate, 

[00:17:30] Jess: right? Yeah. Craving admiration. Um, lacking, like I said, lacking empathy. The difference those we're saying take care of yourself. It's okay to put yourself first to have all of these things to get those boundaries. Yeah. Yes, because when you do that, you can take care of.

What are some ways we can learn to accept ourselves? 

[00:17:49] Randi: Forgive yourself for those what? Yeah, for those what? Like I had to come to terms with that. Like I was saying, like with the way I acted out, like in my twenties, like I was like I, my brain wasn't developed and I wasn't diagnosed correctly, and there was a lot of things happening in my life.

I needed to be kind and understanding to Randy 20.0 or whatever, you know, it was, And that led me to understand how to practice, uh, what we lead into. Self-compassion. 

[00:18:17] Jess: In self-compassion. Again, it sounds things like, you know, even if you're like, Oh, I can't believe I completely screwed up that job. It could be things like, it's okay that there was a mistake made.

You can still fix it. It's okay. You, you had a lot going on. Mm-hmm. , there was a really. Day, right? You didn't get a lot of sleep cuz the kids had you up. They're not excuses, but it's acknowledging why you 

[00:18:43] Randi: are where you are. And that moves into another point to accept yourself is. Using that present moment to be aware and mindful of like what's happening, like you said.

Okay. So in this moment I, the kids cut me up all night. Yep. So I am gonna need to be kinder with myself throughout this day and also communicate to others. I am not gonna have like the wherewithal or the patience, you know, to meet maybe your needs or my own needs. Like, or I might need help like meeting my needs today because of that.

And then that flows into you're acknowledging what you are 

[00:19:20] Jess: capable of, right. And loving your abilities. Mm-hmm. , Um, it is really saying today I am capable of this. I can get through this. I can have another cup of coffee. Mm-hmm. , I'm going to maybe withdraw a little bit or be a little bit more quiet. . But because I've already been mindful of where I'm at, I can accept that and I can acknowledge that this is where I'm at.

Yeah. 

[00:19:43] Randi: And I think a lot of times too, like we can downplay to like our abilities and the things that we're good at because we're not good at everything and we kind of have like this culture, like we need to excel like at everything. Cause like interest, right? Cuz like women were like the caretakers. The workers, like the nurses, like the carpool, like the sport, like everything, like we, we have our hand in everything and so we feel like we need to be like a thousand percent and all these things.

And it's like, no, okay, let's just, What 

[00:20:08] Jess: are you good at? Hey, my kid got to school today, think that is just winning. And she got two hugs out of me and she left in a better mood than she woke up. Yeah, so it's 

[00:20:18] Randi: like love your abilities. And that's very hard, especially. When you're dealing with your mental health, your mental illness, or you have like ADHD and stuff, we can tend to be like perfectionist driven.

Mm-hmm. . And that's gonna drive you insane. Right, Right. You know, doing that. So be Yeah, like that inner critic. Tell 'em shut up. Um, Well, 

[00:20:36] Jess: I'm gonna say instead of telling 'em to shut up, tell 'em that they no longer serve a purpose. Yeah. They have no home here. They have no home here. And it's okay that they go.

They can go knock on somebody else's 

[00:20:47] Randi: door, just throw up the peace sign and say, peace out. Inner critic, critic, peace. 

[00:20:51] Jess: The other thing is connecting with a loved one. If it's a friend, like I have a friend, when I'm having a day or I'll call her, I'll be like, I need 90 seconds. Or she'll call me and go, I need 90 seconds, and we're like, Da, da, da.

Okay. All right. Good. Okay. I can do the rest of the day now. Yeah. And it, it is really just being able to talk with somebody who can make you laugh. Yeah. Or like 

[00:21:11] Randi: can like pump you up and stuff. Yes. And be like, um, I know one of my good friends the other day was like so stressed out because she has like a interview for like nursing.

For her first nursing job. And I was like, Do not doubt yourself. You are a badass. They need you. Like, yep, you've got, that was it It, You know, like that's all the time I had. That's all the time she had. And I was like, you know, send off that text to her. And I was like, Quit stressing kick ass. And sometimes that's all we need is that one second of somebody to be like, You got it.

Like get outta 

[00:21:40] Jess: your head. A good reminder to say you're amazing. You are amazing. And you are worthy just for 

[00:21:45] Randi: being. And another, um, important component I feel is learning to accept disappointment and move on from it and, uh, don't ruminate. Yeah. Not letting it like drag you down because sometimes disappointment can cause like this horrible.

Weight around like your neck and it can like pull you down into a deep, dark place. Kind of learning the signs that might trigger you. You know, when you disappointment can come and like, how can I manage that? Like, what does that look like for me? Maybe I need to do, have a little self talk. Maybe I need to schedule like a little girl time, like.

Or make a list like, Okay, if this happens, I need to reference this to like pull myself out of 

[00:22:24] Jess: this funk. And the other one I, I really work with people on is understanding like what's going on and what you're not so great at. Let's say birthday parties, right? We all have limits, right? I can bake cupcakes.

I can put together snacks, I can put together a party. I don't know if I can do all of it at the same time. Right. I am not ashamed to be like, you know, aunt Store down the street, baked my cupcakes and I got my sandwiches from this place and yeah, I'm gonna stick 'em on a pretty plate, but I am not, I don't have to do all of it because those are my limitations and I'm not gonna hang streamers, but we're gonna buy balloons.

Yeah. 

[00:23:01] Randi: I used to like stress myself out to the max. Do every single little thing myself, and I'm like, No. Or simplify it. Simplify it, simplify it. Your kids aren't gonna remember, like they had like a 20 foot whatever birthday balloon. They're gonna remember that you were there and that you showed up and that you loved and cared for them.

It's like my best hack was like once I just bought Lunchables for the whole birthday, like 20 Lunchables. That was. Birthday 

[00:23:29] Jess: party. They love Lunchables. Loved it. 

[00:23:31] Randi: Yes. Do you know how freaking excited that was? The best birthday party ever. They got Lunchables and it was like cost. It was cheaper than like having it catered all this, whatever, you know, I was doing, spending hours, cutting up tiny little sandwiches.

So it saved time. It saved money and the kids. 

[00:23:47] Jess: Loved it. Part of it is really if, if you know your limitations mm-hmm. work with them. Yeah. And, and to make things successful. 

[00:23:54] Randi: Yeah. And then it's easier to accept, you know, why you did it. And that now everybody's like, Wow, damn Lunchables, that was a good idea, Randy.

Like, I'm gonna do that and steal that. And it's like, now it's Pinterest. Cool. But like, it wasn't like before I did that 

[00:24:06] Jess: Well, and you know, I won't buy my kid Lunchables. I'm like, No, no, no. That's not healthy. Don't do that. You're only gonna eat the cheese in the Oreo. Oh yeah, I know kids. You're only gonna eat the cheese in the Oreo.

Why 

[00:24:15] Randi: are there always crackers 

[00:24:16] Jess: left? For a party. I'm like, Sure. Just eat the cheese and the Orioles, Whatever y'all can trade. I don't care what you do. I think there's also a key that we need to exercise just like we would our, our bodies, our minds. We really need to exercise so we can really have self-acceptance.

[00:24:34] Randi: Yeah. It's like anything. It takes practice. Ooh. It takes practice intention. It takes time, which we don't freaking have Being deliberate. Yeah. And, and. This is important because a lot of us don't have examples of what this looks like. We've never seen it done. We've never seen, like our mothers do it. We've never seen our grandmothers do it.

We've never seen our friends do it. So it's like, what does this look like? How do we do this? How do we reframe it? So I love that we're gonna walk through this exercise that you guys can do for yourself to like work on this at. , 

[00:25:08] Jess: and I do this with my daughter unknowingly. She'll, she'll reframe all the time.

Mm-hmm. , and she's so good at it, but I'm like, She must have learned that somewhere, right? Yeah. And I was like, You . Yeah. She learned that from me. Yeah. By reframing what we mean is taking your negative thoughts or beliefs about yourself. and changing those. Mm-hmm. . And so the first one would be to write it down.

I don't mean do like a slam book about everything you hate about yourself, book to yourself, . There's not a mean goal book for yourself. Right. But what we do want is we want the one I think I see. Well, you need 

[00:25:40] Randi: to acknowledge that you are actually, I think a lot of times. We think these thoughts, but writing them down and seeing that you're saying that to yourself is 

[00:25:49] Jess: powerful.

Yes. And the big one most people will not do is I am unworthy of love. Mm-hmm. , right? People think that they're unworthy 

[00:25:58] Randi: of love. Right. Or like, I'm not smart enough for this. Or like, I feel like I'm not enough for my partner, or like, I am not a good mother. Things like, Writing that down, even though you're gonna feel probably like horrible and icky in a way, it gives you power back.

Let's reframe that. Horrible thought. You're inducing into your mind. 

[00:26:22] Jess: Okay, so let's do the first one. So now that you've written this list, and again, it's a list, it's not a slam book. Start with like some small, like five don't, we don't need Yeah, like three to five things. We don't need like 50. Okay. Don't go down a deep dark hole.

No, no, no. Like three to five things that are really bugging you. Now go through each, we're gonna call those beliefs cuz that's truly what you believe about yourself. Mm-hmm. start by challenging each statement, um, each thought and go, you know, asking yourself, is this a hundred percent true? Right. Okay. So, like 

[00:26:53] Randi: example, I say I am not a good mother.

Okay. 

[00:26:57] Jess: Is that a hundred percent true, Randy? I mean, I'm the one that forgot my kid like two weeks ago. My gosh, , right? But okay, so that is not a hundred percent true, right? You're gonna say no. So then what I want you to do is once you've said yes or no to each one, it can't be true all the time, right?

Mm-hmm. . So replace each one. Let's go for that one with a positive self-talk, not toxic positivity. 

[00:27:23] Randi: Woo. That was hard. I'm a terrible mother, or I'm a horrible mother. I would reframe that. I am a good mother. I am human. I make mistakes. 

[00:27:36] Jess: Okay. I might say I am a loving mother. Mm-hmm. , because trying to say I'm a good mother.

Yeah. Can be overall. Yeah. That can be hard cuz you just got done singing on decent. I'm horrible. 

[00:27:46] Randi: I'm like 50 50. I'm okay. right. I'm okay. 

[00:27:49] Jess: I say I'm okay. I'm okay. But I am a very loving mother. Or I 

[00:27:53] Randi: like to say I'm breaking cycles, so it's like I'm aware mm-hmm. , you know, of these things that I might be doing that are wrong and I'm trying to change them for my kids.

I'm 

[00:28:04] Jess: an aware mother. Yeah. Okay. So that, that would be it for me. I would say I am a loving mother. Mm-hmm. , right? I don't do anything out of harm. Nothing is malicious. Yeah. I am loving. And so that is part of the, the positive. So that's part of the C B T is being able to do that and say that. Now, what I tell people do is I take it a step further, is I say, either every time you brush your teeth, more than likely, I tell people every time you start your car, I want you to do your reframe.

I am a loving mother. I am a good person. 

[00:28:42] Randi: Right? And this is why too, you can attach that too. You're worried that you're a good mom. So that's a sign that you're probably a good mom, , right? Because you're actually worried if you are not, or if you are harming them or you're not harming them. And like this can also play hand in hand with some other types of therapy too, like emdr.

Um, I did this personally too around, um, reframing thoughts about my mother's death and passing mm-hmm. , that I felt responsible for her dying. And let me tell you, walking through that shit with some of the hardest shit I've ever done telling myself, when my therapist and I sat down and she said, Randy, do you have the power to be a hundred percent responsible for your mother's death?

And I had to say, No, I'm not God. 

[00:29:30] Jess: No, you and you did not cause it. Right? So you were not a hundred percent 

[00:29:35] Randi: responsible. I was making myself a God in that situation. Mm-hmm. that I was all powerful, all knowing, and I could control the outcome and I a hundred percent could not. And then I walked myself down from that for like a year of like therapy, like.

I am not that powerful. This is what I did. This was what was in my control. Mm-hmm. , this is what I did and didn't. And that's how you can reframe your thoughts and your patterns and give yourself compassion and a new life. I was able to walk through so much grief and do a lot of healing with this simple.

[00:30:13] Jess: Technique. I think as women, I'm like, I do, I do. I think as women, we just, we own too much. We carry it all. We carry it all. We, we accept it all as our responsibility. We accept everything. Cis, lay it 

[00:30:28] Randi: down. It's not yours to carry. 

[00:30:30] Jess: No, it's not. And having, it's not makes me wanna 

[00:30:32] Randi: cry. Right. Cause we all, we're all carry too much.

Yeah. 

[00:30:36] Jess: Caring, carrying too much. I mean, part carrying 

[00:30:39] Randi: other people. Yeah. Their emotions, their baggage, 

[00:30:43] Jess: their shit. Yeah. And, and part of this is really just reframing and owning what yours to own, accepting it, being aware, having self-compassion and self love. Mm-hmm. , I mean, all of these. They're, they're different.

They're very similar, right? Yeah. But it's almost like you have to have all of these to really feel connected and, and be with yourself. I'm making like little hearts, little heart hands. I'm making little hands with my heart. You could see little heart with my hand. 

[00:31:13] Randi: Like, Love yourself. Love yourself. A little heart.

No, but it's true. Like there's just different pieces, and when they all come together, it can help you. It can be so healing, empowering, and give you. A new breath of fresh air into things that you can be struggling with. So we hope you guys have learned something this episode and can take our tips and be a little bit kinder to yourself this week.

Yeah, 

[00:31:36] Jess: reframe and reframe and reframe. Have a great week. Talk to you later. 

[00:31:43] Randi: Oh, Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. Feel 

[00:31:47] Jess: free to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically randy and jess.com 

[00:31:53] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.