Transcript
WEBVTT
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
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I'm randy.
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I'm And I'm Jess.
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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.
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Today's topic is something we've all encountered and for many it's causing a lot of stress and sometimes confusion.
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Tipping.
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That's me.
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I get so confused and so stressed about it because I'm going, why has it become so overdone?
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When and where is this expected?
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And how much There's so much pressure.
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And if you're standing with friends, you're like, I don't want to look cheap, but at the same time, I also don't want to just hand over money that I don't feel I should have to.
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And it's so confusing when you have a partner who tips differently than you do.
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I've heard so many stories and seen so many polls.
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We even did one in our group about where people tip and it's so
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crazy out there.
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So we're going to get into what's appropriate to tip in different situations and how to help friends and family and yourself cope with tipping stress because if you've ever felt confused or overwhelmed at the tip, or the screen or wondering what is right,
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you are definitely not alone.
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You're not.
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So find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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Have you ever had these thoughts?
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Why has tipping become so expected in so many industries now?
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How does tipping contribute to workers livelihoods?
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What is the standard tipping rate for dining out?
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Should I tip if I receive bad service?
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Is tipping customary in
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all countries?
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How should I approach tipping for services outside the food industry, like hair salons or Uber, yeah Lyft, all those things.
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What about tipping for coffee or counter service?
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Ooh, I'm going to tell you about a reel I saw that is that thing just changed my brain.
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Okay.
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Should I tip on takeout or delivery orders?
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Especially if you're the one taking it out.
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How can I navigate situations where a service charge is already included?
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What if I can't afford to tip generously like I want to?
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Yeah, or, the other question we probably should have done is, Do I tip differently during the holidays?
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What do I, wait, is there a different Yeah, extra
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tipping?
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Is there a Oh gosh, we could, there's a whole rabbit hole into this.
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Tip on the tip, oh that sounds disgusting,
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sorry.
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Just the
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tip.
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Just the tip, please.
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That's what we'll call this one.
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Okay, so what exactly is tipping and why has it become so overdone and so overwhelming?
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Tipping is the extra payment given to workers, usually in service jobs, to show appreciation for their work.
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It used to be that tipping was expected in certain industries like restaurants for services or hairdressing, but recently I am seeing it expanded to like everywhere.
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Like I saw everything and you know what actually started this was I referred our housekeeper to a neighbor Because I was like, okay, cool.
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And the lady calls me and goes, Jessica, is it normal for them to require a tip?
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I was like, I'm sorry.
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Require.
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Require.
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It's in the contract.
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I was like, A, I don't have a contract and B, no, I have never heard of anybody tipping a housekeeper and I was blown away and I was actually kind of embarrassed because, I referred this person and I'm like, okay, so I'm not going to refer them, but I have never heard of a weekly tip for a housekeeper.
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I
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didn't know about that either.
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And then, and it might be too it varies.
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Like in areas or, states or I don't know.
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But I had a cleaner at the house one day and she started talking about how this other, client never tipped her.
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And I also never tipped her.
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So I was like, okay, she's doing this on purpose, but I didn't know that it was a thing, but I did give them like gifts and stuff during the holidays and an extra bonus.
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Yes.
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I gave a bonus during the holiday.
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And then I'm like, she's like talking about me, like where I can hear her like on purpose.
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And I was like, she's probably talking about me cause I don't tip my housekeeper.
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And I was like, that's, is that a thing?
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I didn't know that was a thing.
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Cause I'm already paying like such a high fee for this service.
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And I was quoted for this service.
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And it was already like over the average.
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So I was Okay.
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I even had somebody on the poll we did say that they had some mint work done and when they went to pay, there was a spot for them to put a tip.
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And she was like, and it was for the owner of the company.
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She was like, but I don't understand if we were quoted this, why am I putting a tip for you who owns the company?
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And I was like, oh crap, am I supposed to be tipping my landscaper now?
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Because I don't tip my landscaper.
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He sends me a bill, I pay it.
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So we're seeing this everywhere.
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Fast food counters.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Self checkouts, it feels like every interaction has become a transaction.
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Yes.
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And then they look at you like you're guilty.
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Or you're rude or Yeah.
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Or they look at you like, well, are you going to tip now?
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And you're like am I supposed to?
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And I think, honestly, I think a lot of this started back with COVID.
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I think in COVID, we were trying to show people that we are so thankful for the work that they're doing, that it just all of a sudden blew up.
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I don't know.
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And I think a lot of it too has come into maybe like our digital payment systems, our Apple wallets and the screens, they just give it to you and it says, do you want a tip?
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it just prompts you to do these things.
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So maybe it's, since it's more visible, I don't know.
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Or.
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what about, like, when you have Target or Walmart delivered?
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For Target, if I have it delivered, they won't let me back into their online app Into the app without choosing a tip.
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I have to give a star and choose a tip if I want to get back.
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It's super annoying.
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So I just, honestly, I don't order for them very much anymore.
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Because I'm like, either tell me in the beginning.
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I
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feel guilty if I don't, and then I'm like, but they didn't even fill half of my order, and I feel like Still need to, and it was like
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two weeks ago or three weeks ago, and I
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don't remember.
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And it's I understand that a lot of workers rely heavily on tips to make up for their low wages, but at what point does it become the responsibility of us as middle class?
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It doesn't even matter about class, but why?
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But instead, why is it not going back to the corporation that should be paying them?
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Why isn't Target paying them more?
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Why isn't, Walmart paying them more?
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Why isn't, the fast food restaurant paying them more that owns millions of dollars in franchises?
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Like, why is it coming down to the direct consumer and the guilt that we feel over it?
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And I was actually talking to a neighbor recently, a male, and he was like, Oh, and then look at you and you feel guilty.
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So you end up tipping him even though they didn't do anything.
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And he goes okay, so it's not just us.
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It's not just women who are looking at this.
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So I feel like they're not paying them a livable wage, especially in service jobs.
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They expect.
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I did hear that next year, either candidate who wins, this isn't political, okay guys, but either candidate has said they're no longer going to tax people on tips.
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let's define what a living wage is.
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Oh, okay.
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So that's the minimum.
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income or salary you need to cover your basic needs like food, shelter, healthcare, with also having some room for emergencies and savings.
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the goal is with a living wage to ensure that people can earn enough to live a healthy life.
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I'm not saying caviar, wishes and dreams, but.
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Enough to cover your essentials.
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And most people do not earn that.
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No.
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Do
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you remember the guy who did supersize me?
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He did nothing but eat McDonald's for a month and then he got sick.
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And then he got sick.
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Well, he also did another one where he and his partner, I think it was his wife.
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They went to say, okay, can we live on a living wage?
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And they started with nothing.
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They had no money, no nothing.
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And they were earning minimum wage.
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And he was like, we can't even eat.
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They're living in like bare bones and she couldn't document.
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And she couldn't like, she was like, how do I buy my tampons?
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She couldn't afford
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medical care and she couldn't get it.
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She couldn't buy her tampons
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because
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they're so expensive.
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This is honest to God.
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What most households face day in and day out.
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When I worked with.
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Clients at the homeless shelter, most of them could not afford tampons, sanitary pads, toilet paper, anything.
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I kept items, essential items in my office for them to just take out of a basket.
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They didn't have to ask me if they needed them because they could not even, I remember just crying at my desk one afternoon because a client told me she was so excited.
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She had found a dollar in the parking lot so she could buy herself pads.
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And I was young at the time and I had no idea about this huge, this gap and I was like, Oh, like my heart was just breaking inside and from that moment on, I always kept essentials because I was like, nobody deserves to feel like they have to choose between food and their hygiene, at what point has this burden shifted to us as women?
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Consumers and customers.
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Exactly.
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That's the story I tell about my dentist where he now supplies tampons for all of his hygienists, they're all females.
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He had no idea because the office manager was buying him and he was like, Oh, am I paying for that?
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And she was like, yes.
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You are you have women that work here and we will be putting them in the bathroom.
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Obviously, if somebody starts their period, you don't want them to leave.
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He was like, okay, cool.
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Just keep doing what you're doing.
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I just didn't realize that was part of the Costco run, but all right, cool.
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And I think that's great that, he does that.
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But so let's look at tipping, It really went back.
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If we go into like the roots of where did this start?
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It didn't start in COVID.
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Okay.
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That was just my gripe, but it originated back in Europe and it was adopted in the U S after the civil.
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War.
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So when was the Civil War?
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Eighteen something?
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According to my kids, I was born in the 1800s.
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So you should know.
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But originally it was seen as a gesture of generosity.
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Just being able to think being so thankful.
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Exactly.
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Overwhelmed with joy.
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But what happened was over time it became embedded into certain industries as a way to avoid paying fair wages.
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And
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this is huge in the U.
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S.
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A lot of other countries do not have a tipping culture.
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This is very heavily, U.
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S.
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based.
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I have a friend who was over in Berlin.
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She was stationed in Germany way back when, Like back when the Berlin Wall came down.
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She's got a piece of the Berlin Wall.
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They were allowed to go Over into the, was it the east side?
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That's really strict.
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I can't remember anymore.
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I'm so like history is not my thing guys.
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History and geography and math and anything else.
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But anyway, okay.
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But what happened was she said they can go over there.
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They couldn't ride the bus.
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They weren't allowed to do certain things.
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And they had to exchange the money.
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And so she said, as they're coming back, cause I guess comforters.
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I don't know.
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That's what she, I remember her telling me that.
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So what was happening is when they came back, they stopped and nobody tipped, but they had all this extra change.
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And for them as Americans okay, whatever, they left it on the table for this person.
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The waiter started to cry because what they threw down was like a month's salary for him or a year's salary.
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It was huge and they were just like, whatever, no big deal because nobody tips over there.
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And for them, they're like, I don't want to have to exchange it and blah, blah, blah.
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that stuck with me.
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And anytime I've gone over to Europe, we don't tip.
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It's the weirdest thing.
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You just get the customer service because that's what their job is.
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It's so different.
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That's the expectation.
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Exactly.
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It's very hard.
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Like you said, like he was so overwhelmed.
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He needed that.
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And it's like, how do you know?
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If they do have a living wage, if they are okay.
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So like a couple of years ago, we went on one of those all inclusive, vacations as a family and I saved years for us to go on it.
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But they were like, no tipping, everything's included the food, the drinks you don't tip, but I felt like the workers were so like dissatisfied and were probably not being paid a fair wage.
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And it was.
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Really hard to be like I know we're not supposed to tip and like they would get fired if they accepted a tip But I was like, are they being paid Well, I wasn't getting that feeling.
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So it was like very frustrating, to see that I had spent all this money on this vacation, but it felt like a lot of the, employees were disgruntled because they weren't being treated fairly.
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What's happening is that as our wages, we're staying the same, they're not increasing, but our cost of living and inflation,
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groceries, everything has gone
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up.
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So now tipping is more of a societal norm.
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It's expected.
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It's also more casual in really unexpected places.
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Like I was talking about the concrete person or the housekeeper, it's No longer a reward for service, and that's I think my soapbox is that it's not a reward for service.
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It's an expectation because sometimes it's a necessity.
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For these workers to make their ends meet.
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But is that my responsibility or is it the company's responsibility?
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when you have added expectations like this, and it's unclear whether, you should tip or not, this can create a lot of stress and anxiety for women, because we do internalize things.
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it can create a financial burden too, because we can feel guilty for not doing things that we feel are the norm.
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So when tipping feels mandatory, that can add up very quickly.
